To use my head not my heart?

[Colinthecaterpillar35]

DH and I have a DS who is currently an only child and 12 months old. We're trying to weigh up whether to have a second.

My heart says DS may be lonely growing up and when he's an adult without a brother or a sister... he has one aunty on DH's side and 2 cousins but we see them probably once every 2 years. I'm an only child so there's no aunties/uncles cousins for him on my side. So apart from us and grandparents, there's no other close family for him.

My head (and my heart) says I want to give him all our attention and not have to split that attention with a sibling. My head also says the way the world is going could we afford to have another?(We probably could but I like the thought of being able to give DS everything he wants (within reason) and not have to scrimp and save).

I'm just worried that I will regret not having a second... DH and I are not getting any younger so we really need to decide whether to try for a second (and put finances in place for me to take a second mat leave).

I'd really like to know why have the amount of children you do - did you stop at one and why? Did you have more and why? Sorry if that's nosey!!

YABU to think with your head, go with your heart!
YANBU to think with your head!

Dear OP. I stopped at one. I can see downsides and make a big effort to ensure DD has playmates (we live on an estate with lots of similar age kids). I also moved nearer to my sister so that DD could see her cousin most weeks. I think she misses out on not having a sibling though.

On the upside, she has my undivided attention and our relationship is wonderful, as is our family dynamic. We can afford treats and holidays. We can meet her needs both materially and emotionally. My mental health is good, my career is going well.

I think there are upsides and downsides to every family formation to be honest.

We stopped at one. She's six now and I've never regretted it, for very similar reasons to the previous poster. DD needs a happy stable family more than a sibling and two DCs would be too much for me to be able to provide that.

Honestly, I’d have much preferred a childhood with all the things I wanted as a child than two brothers who I didn’t particularly get along with growing up and don’t really speak to as an adult. No particular reason, we just have nothing in common and are very different people: there’s no guarantee of a sibling enriching your DS’s life in either childhood or adulthood.

I wonder how parents of adult siblings who don’t get along or actively dislike each other feel about it, if giving their first child a brother or sister to love and rely on was a key motivating factor?

There's another thread on here at the moment by a really lovely sounding mum who is struggling a bit, and the title is something like I want to be happier for my children. That's how I think I'd find it if I had two, and is why I stopped at one.

I had never thought of it like that so thank you for sharing your situation; I've only ever thought of siblings getting on whereas that it not always the reality.

I have 3. I always wanted at least 2, and then surprise number 3 came along a bit later. It is incredibly hard work sometimes (particularly as one has some SEN), and the two close in age bicker a lot, but they do also have a lovely bond. They play together and entertain each other and on holidays/days out they feed off of eachother in the enjoyment and excitement of whatever we’re doing. I can’t imagine having an only child and having to be “on” all the time (though on days when I only have one child at home for the day, I do breath a massive sigh of relief at how calm and peaceful everything is…).

Financially we’d have been fine with 2, but 3 is really stretching things to a slightly uncomfortable point, and I do feel like they will be missing out on things that we could have given them if there was less of them.

Does it have to be a here and now decision?
I always wanted two children. Had my first and just could not face the idea of having another. My feelings changed again when he was about to turn three and we went on to have a second.
It's ok to decide now that you don't want another. I think it's also ok to reopen the conversation if you feel different later on.

I only have one and agree there are lots of upsides. Many of them are also long term.

To counteract the lack of a sibling I went out of my way to make sure she had plenty of play mates. That meant always being willing to host at my house, and offering to do more than my share of lifts. I didn’t worry about getting reciprocal play dates and we would offer to pay for the majority of costs on days out or holidays.

Its so much easier looking after/choosing activities for two children of the same age who are friends, than two siblings of different ages.

My DD is grown up and we have been able to help her financially. Both because we are better off because of only having one child, but also any help we give her doesn’t have to be repeated. In the future there will only be one set of grandchildren, so we can help out there.

we have accumulated enough assets to fund our care when we are older, and it that’s not needed she will inherit a useful sum.

Lastly, the world is over populated and climate change will lead to difficulties in all sorts of ways for future generations.

My child was an only child for 13 years. I now have a 2 year old as well, I really think it has benefited her, even with the age gap.

I am about to try for a third even though my head says no. I told myself that if I have another one, I will have two.

When my daughter got older it was incredibly hard parenting. Not only are you their mum but you have to be their best friend, confident, play mate. I found it relentless. I also had a set up like PP where we had a lot of contact with other children and her cousins so she was always happy but around age 9 I really noticed a loneliness to her in the house. There is more chaos now and she seems to thrive in it, she is a lot happier to spend time on her own as well (not surprising).

She is a lovely beautiful girl and I wouldn’t change her for the world. Obviously part of who she is is because she was an only child So it definitely benefitted her in ways.

it’s a very personal decision but their are pros and cons for both. I’m now going for the ‘more the merrier’ motto.

Took a while to conceive ds my dh wanted to stop at 1 but we fell pregnant unexpectedly when ds turned 1. We wouldn't of planned it this way but boy are we glad about how it worked out. Watching their bond brings me the greatest joy. I feel like my ds1 is never alone when we need a breather and can't give him 247 attention or play he has his brother. We feel like a rounded family unit now. So far I can only see positives to having a sibling, at this age anyway

I don’t think you can anticipate sibling relationships. I would have another baby because I wanted one.

I always take the view that if you are in any doubt about whether to have a child, you probably shouldn't.

My dh and his sister can't abide each other. Been like that since childhood. I was an only child and loved it. Parents made sure I did loads of activities and play dates so I was never bored. We had lovely holidays which my parents wouldn't have been able to afford if they had more children. When I needed a tutor they could afford it.

I'm pregnant with my second now, and while I'm having a lot of fear about how my DS is going to cope with the change, and the guilt I'll feel about dividing my attention, I know it's the right thing for us in the long term (and DH is on the same page).

Neither me or DH are close to our siblings, but having that person who you grew up with and who knows what it was like with your parents we both really value.

My Dad died last year, and I don't know how I would have got through it without my brother - both sharing memories, but sharing the load of supporting our mum. It was a full time job and if we hadn't been able to tag team w oil have both had breakdowns ourselves.

It's not just about childhood, it's a lifelong relationship (whether good or bad)