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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not cancel my night out?

24 replies

hesaysimterrible · 21/10/2022 10:12

I had a posh night out last night in London with a group of friends. We had been planning it for 3 months, and I'd been so looking forward to getting glammed up and going to a fancy restaurant and seeing my friends. The only opportunity I get to do nights out or nice things like that is if I go out with friends. Husband just sees it as a waste of money so we never go out just the two of us on a date night or to anywhere nice. I'd saved up a bit of cash each month specifically for the night, I was the main organiser in my group of friends and secured a coveted table at a fancy restaurant with my credit card,

We are due to go on holiday next week. My 12yr son has been struggling with travel anxiety in the months leading up to our holiday so we had made an appointment yesterday morning to take our son to a child psychologist an hour away from our house. But 20 mins before we were due to leave the guy text and said his car had broken down. The only alternate times he could offer was 8pm last night or a day next week while we would have already gone on our holiday.

I said we couldn't do last night because I had my night out which he's obviously known about for ages, but perhaps the guy could do a zoom session. Husband got angry and kept shaking his head and rolling his eyes at me in disbelief because I wasn't willing to cancel my plans. Was calling me a terrible mother and saying I'm selfish. (FYI we have a younger child that I would have needed to stay home with which is why my husband and son couldn't have gone on their own)

I went out on my night out and had a nice time seeing my friends while my son did the session on zoom. But I spent the night feeling like complete shit (I have adhd and emotional disregulation so I feel things very harshly and take things very personally). But the thing is when we were trying to make the initial appointment my husband originally dismissed an 8pm appointment because it was an hours drive there and back and felt it was too late to take my son to something like that so late in the evening as we wouldn't even get home until 10.

So, am I terrible? Was IBU to have gone?

OP posts:
ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 21/10/2022 10:14

Your DH sounds like a d*ck.
Your son did his session in an alternative manner and was fine.

It’s ok to not be a martyr to your kids, no harm was done and you still got to enjoy a long-planned and rare night out.

Your DH sounds like he could suck the joy out of a kids birthday party

OctopusBreath · 21/10/2022 10:18

TBH I would have cancelled. Zoom sessions with psychologists are just not the same- You're still in your own home, without the luxury of seeing someone in a different context. You should absolutely go out as and when you want to, of course, but on this occasion, I think your son should have taken priority.

Hoardasurass · 21/10/2022 10:21

If your son had a session then yanbu
If you going on your night out stopped your son from having his therapy then yabvu in putting your wants before his needs
You need to clarify whether the therapy session went ahead or not

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 21/10/2022 10:22

@Hoardasurass she has clarified it…
while my son did the session on zoom

Badgirlriri · 21/10/2022 10:23

YANBU. Your son still had his session. I don’t see the issue.

Idontevenknow · 21/10/2022 10:23

I can understand both sides to be honest. What age is the younger child, why could your DH not have taken them both to the appointment?

latetothefisting · 21/10/2022 10:25

Hoardasurass · 21/10/2022 10:21

If your son had a session then yanbu
If you going on your night out stopped your son from having his therapy then yabvu in putting your wants before his needs
You need to clarify whether the therapy session went ahead or not

What? Op did clarify if you take the time to actually read the post "I went out and had a nice time with my friends while ds did the session on zoom."

Your dh sounds really miserable. Not just this once incident but the fact he seems to think all socialising is a waste of time.

Hoardasurass · 21/10/2022 10:26

My mistake I misread the op

catandcoffee · 21/10/2022 10:26

Your Husband should have taken both children with him.

Just like many Mothers do.

Don't feel guilty about going out.

dreamingbohemian · 21/10/2022 10:27

If your son still had his session I think it's fine

I think you have a bigger problem though if you never go out and do anything fun with your husband. I'd wonder if this was contributing to your son's anxiety, going on holiday but knowing his father thinks these kinds of things are a waste of money.

XJerseyGirlX · 21/10/2022 10:28

I'm a psychologist and tbh I find that children open up more in their own home than they do in clinic. The hours drive can build anxiety and I always suggest when treating children that it's over a zoom call in the first instance at least.

Your husband sounds like a miserable sod

Y7drama · 21/10/2022 10:28

I think your dh should have taken both children.

Ivyr0se · 21/10/2022 10:29

I would be disappointed if my dh prioritised a night out over my child's appointment with a psychologist.

I think yabu.

TeaStory · 21/10/2022 10:30

Ivyr0se · 21/10/2022 10:29

I would be disappointed if my dh prioritised a night out over my child's appointment with a psychologist.

I think yabu.

Except she didn’t, she did both.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 21/10/2022 10:31

Ivyr0se · 21/10/2022 10:29

I would be disappointed if my dh prioritised a night out over my child's appointment with a psychologist.

I think yabu.

Then you're as bad as the husband

bloodywhitecat · 21/10/2022 10:32

Your son still kept his appointment and you had your night out, sounds like there were no losers in this situation. Your DH is being completely unreasonable.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 21/10/2022 10:32

Your DH sounds like a miserable sod who has taken this as an opportunity to try and scupper your plans. You were right to go out.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 21/10/2022 10:34

8-9pm and an hour to drive home would’ve been too late for mine at that age so soon would’ve been better than in-person

tunnocksreturns2019 · 21/10/2022 10:34

*zoom

boredOf · 21/10/2022 10:50

He is a dick. Your night was important and the zoom was a perfectly fine alternative.
Ltb

TooHotToRamble · 21/10/2022 10:50

ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott · 21/10/2022 10:14

Your DH sounds like a d*ck.
Your son did his session in an alternative manner and was fine.

It’s ok to not be a martyr to your kids, no harm was done and you still got to enjoy a long-planned and rare night out.

Your DH sounds like he could suck the joy out of a kids birthday party

This.

Original poster
hesaysimterrible · 21/10/2022 13:57

Thank you all. Glad it's not just me. I suggested the zoom and we found a solution so no one missed out, but husband wanted to just make me feel like a selfish bitch. Confused

FWIW he does do a lot with both children taking them both to jumping / soft play areas while I've been working over half term and looking after them. But then likes to put me down and feels he has to point out that no other dad does as much as he does. He also runs his own business so answers calls during the day if necessary. I don't always have that option if I'm in the office. But apparently I just don't do enough and don't care about anyone but myself and going out with my friends and getting away from my entire family 😑

OP posts:
mewkins · 21/10/2022 14:02

I don't like the sound of him OP. Controlling and manipulative.

Isithotinhere · 21/10/2022 15:15

You have one life - is spending it with him the best use of it?

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