To think DS spends too much time with his bf?

[dofiko9022]

Could do with some unbiased opinions here as in my opinion this relationship isn't healthy.

DS has just turned 17, he's in a relationship with a boy also 17, I'll call him J.

DS & J were best friends before they got into a relationship so I knew him quite well and he is a nice, respectful boy. They got into a relationship about 6/7 months ago and at first J would sleep here at weekends, or DS at his. Then slowly, it started being the odd midweek day etc, J then went on holiday with my ex and DS to visit family, this was for a week and after that they'd spend the whole week together and if they spent 1 night away from each other J would constantly tell DS he missed him etc. J then went on holiday and told DS he needed a break from their relationship to sort his MH out, so I thought this issue was fixed.

They've recently gotten back together and again it was weekends only, but this week has been every night, DS has stayed at his every night, except last when J stayed here. Tonight, he's staying at J’s again, so I messaged him and told him tomorrow night DS isn't allowed to sleep at J’s or J here, he's told me he can do what he wants and I don't care about J etc.

J did have a bad childhood and has told DS he has nightmares but he sleeps better and feels safer when DS is with him, obviously I do realise this is probably the cause so I'm wondering if I'm BU, or if this isn't a healthy relationship at their age and they need to spend time apart at night, WIBU?

Not sure you can do much about it… except tell your son J can’t stay at your house on the weekdays or at all.

however you may not see your son so often…

I think you should have a mature talk with your son to discuss the issue and see if there is a halfway you can both agree to?

I don’t think yabu, that is a lot for a young age. I don’t know how you can make ds see that though.

As long as your son is keeping his commitments to school or work I'd leave him to it. He will likely work out if it's too much for him soon enough. It's part of life.

Have you posted about this recently before?

Of course this is too much for your son. Boundaries. Weekend sleepovers only, and only then if schoolwork etc is up to date.

Wow, when I was 17 I had to get permission each time I wanted to sleep at my best friend’s house. Can’t imagine my parents’ faces if I’d announced I was sleeping at a boyfriends house every night and they could just out up and shut up.

OP you need to remind your son that he is still legally a child, that you’re responsible for him and that you only have his beat interests at heart. Then you need to discuss together what is reasonable - for a child. And it can’t be “I do what I like when I like.”

I've not posted about this recently, as I said in my OP, they've only recently gotten back together and there wasn't an issue until this week. I don't see DS very often now if he's staying at J’s, and even when they're both here they're in his room most of the time

I can see your concerns but your ds is almost an adult and you can’t really tell him what to do, obviously you can refuse to have J stay at yours but you can’t stop DS staying at J’s.

All you can do is be there for your DS when it all goes wrong 😬

I think you need to have an unhurried chat with your DS, try to strike a bargain say Friday night is family night (or another day) and a chance for you all to catch up - you expect him to be here for it and for J not to be here. Explain that a night apart every week won't do them any harm and if they miss each other, great, it's a sign of how deep their feelings are etc.

Does he have future plans? I'd say "if you get too used to spending every single night together now - how will you manage if one of you has to go away to study or for work, or even on holiday?"

DS is currently doing an apprenticeship, J was going to college although he wasn't going and told DS they've removed him off of his course so he's not doing anything at the minute, so I'm a bit worried DS might decide not to attend his apprenticeship as in the past DS has sort of ‘copied’ J with what he's doing whilst they were friends.

Personally I think your being unreasonable, you haven’t mentioned any reasons as to how this is an unhealthy relationship. It might be intense but I remember being that age and it being the same for me. When one of them gets sick of the other I’m sure it will cool off. Many couples live together so it can’t be that unhealthy.

I wouldn't be keen on sleepovers in a school night - though admittedly that's partly because we only have one bathroom / toilet and it's difficult enough in the mornings as it is, let alone with a non-family member in the mix!

Yes, many couples live together but most are older than 17 and will have more than likely been together longer than 7 months. I think it's unhealthy at their age spending this much time together.

It isn’t great to be spending so much time together but I think that’s something you son needs to live and learn for himself unfortunately. I don’t think there is much you can do, he is 17. You can talk to him and explain your concerns but ultimately you will just end up falling out if you force the situation. I would say if your son stopped attending his apprenticeship you could be a more harsh about it but at the moment there isn’t really any problem.

this is the bit I'd be worried about "he's told me he can do what he wants and I don't care about J etc"

He's only 17 years old and he's already taking on responsibility for someone else's mental health. He thinks he is J's emotional support animal, and will doubtless feel he should spend every night J wants him with J, or he's being a horrible person. Even if he doesn't fancy it.

It's not easy but I think as he's under 18 and living with you, this is a good time to be the (slightly) "tough mum" and try to make him spend at least one night at home sans J. He needs that time tbh to remember who he is, and to prioritise himself.

I've dated people who sound a bit like J, they often don't care about your MH as long as you're supporting theirs (i.e. being unendingly cheery, loving and supportive - and not having any issues of your own).

I think you need to go about this differently and rather than tell him he needs to stay at yours instead have a conversation that you’d like to spend the evening with him at home and gently suggest a night apart might be nice for them both. The harder you push your DS the more you will push him away.

I spoke to DS and he said i can't forcd him to not see J etc, I do think J can be a bit manipulative towards DS at times

YABU

most see their partners every day and sleep with them, do you consider that too much?

They’re 17, in a matter of months they could be living together and…gasp…seeing each other every day AND night

Aww this reminds me of when I met my husband, within weeks we were inseparable and sleeping at each others houses every night. We were 19 though not 17 so we were finished school. I don't see it being a big problem though, it's a fairly new relationship and they just love being together.

I'd be a bit concerned too. They are both best friends and romantic partners, so very exclusive with little opportunity for outside influence which is not the healthiest set up.
However other than be there for DS I'm not sure there's a lot you can do at that age.
What's J's home set up like? You mention he didn't have a good childhood, so is the environment stable/safe now?
If any doubts, in your shoes I'd rather them staying over at mine than ban J and risk DS all but moving in there.
Tbh even if his home is fine, I'd still rather them be under my roof where I could keep an eye on things and make sure DS was OK should the wheels fall off in this rather intense sounding situation.

I’d advise no sleepovers on weeknights so homework gets done. DS needs to stay focused and do well.