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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how to be sensitive to friend struggling with infertility

6 replies

Lavender14 · 20/10/2022 22:15

So I'm currently heavily pregnant and I was recently told by a friend that one of my other friends has been trying for a baby and it's unfortunately not going smoothly for them. I didn't ask for more details because it was second hand info and I figured if they wanted to tell me they would have themselves. They didn't attend my baby shower and didn't contact me about it (which is why the other friend let me know the circumstances) and I fully and completely understand and am not annoyed in the slightest, I really feel for her. However we're both due to attend the same wedding in the next few days and now I'm worried about how to be as sensitive as I can because I don't know who else knows about the difficulties they've had and I'm almost considering bowing out incase me going really upsets her because I'm sure she could do with a good night out with our other friends. I haven't seen a few people going in a while so I know they'll ask lots about my pregnancy etc and I have the perfect excuse not to go but it also feels really unfair on the friend who's getting married because it's a huge day for her. Any advice? Would it be enough to go and just keep any pregnancy chat really brief? We really struggled at the start of this pregnancy with lots of scares so I know what a lonely place it can be so just want to do right by her as best I can.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 20/10/2022 22:19

Would it be enough to go and just keep any pregnancy chat really brief?

Absolutely. It's sad but she is going to encounter many pregnant women, there may be other pregnant women at the wedding. Don't miss out, being sensitive to her is enough.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 20/10/2022 22:21

It would be really unfair to the friend that is getting married for you not to go for this reason, and it seems patronising towards the friend who’s having the difficulty conceiving too.

It’s enough to just politely answer the inevitable questions that you will get about your pregnancy and not initiate baby related conversation right in front of her.

StupidSmallFruit · 20/10/2022 22:24

You sound really thoughtful.

I don’t think don’t go, TBH. It could completely backfire and seem like you’re in a massive strop with her (because she didn’t go to your shower), it could cause drama by drawing attention to her predicament, and basically make her feel a lot worse.

Also, you’re attending for the bride & groom, and to pull out would be unfair to them.

I’d really keep the pregnancy chat on the down low, not in an obvious way - as again, that could make your friend feel worse.

You sound empathetic and discreet, so I’m sure you’ll be able to sensitively change the subject, if it arises. Enjoy the day.

beonmywaythen · 20/10/2022 22:53

Just act normally and keep the pregnancy chat brief. And DO NOT complain about anything regarding being pregnant - "ugh I feel fat!" "I wish I could drink" etc and she would give that up in a heartbeat to have a baby.

You sound nice, you can't help the situation. You'll both do your best xx

Lavender14 · 20/10/2022 23:29

Thanks so much for all your replies, the only reason I was worried about going was her decision not to attend the baby shower because I know she won't have taken that lightly but obviously that's a very baby oriented occasion so wedding might hopefully be easier! I'd hate her to think I was mad at her I hadn't even thought of that so that's a good point. Thanks for all the replies. Going to delete the post now incase anyone reads it and picks up on it being me!

OP posts:
RainbowSlide · 20/10/2022 23:56

You sound like a lovely and considerate friend. I've been in this situation, on both sides actually (secondary infertility), and found that complaining about pregnancy (how you feel, not drinking, not eating certain foods etc) is the hardest to hear. So keep it brief, engage with her if she asks questions or wants to tell you about her struggles, and listen kindly.

Try to avoid sentences starting with "at least" to placate her (or stories about your cousins friend who just went on holiday after years of ttc and it happened etc), as infertility is horrible and its important not to down play it. Your friend is likely feeling a mix of emotions- happy for you on the one side and very envious and sad for herself on the other.

Definitely go to the wedding, have a great time. And congrats on the pregnancy Flowers

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