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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put of this

16 replies

tissueachoo · 20/10/2022 16:10

So I've just started talking to a guy after a long time being single and recovering from my marriage breakup. First one.

He works away two weeks out of four, has a hire car and lives with his mum. He is mid 40s.

He makes me laugh and seems ok but would this put you off. It seems like he has no roots. Im not fussed about the working away

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 20/10/2022 16:31

Only thing that would put me off is that he lives with his mum and is mid forties!

Unless there is an actual valid reason he is living with his mum (recently moved back after a marriage breakdown/caring for his elderly mum/recent financial issues where he needed to sell the house etc) I'd be wary.

if he has never actually left home and looks like he has no intention of doing so I'd be wondering if hes a bit of a mummys boy, and probably not capable of being independant and in an adult relationship.

TerfQueen · 20/10/2022 16:38

It’s not ideal is it? It’s human nature to weigh up potential partners and things like this do stick out for a lot of people rightly or wrongly. Might be worth finding out WHY he’s made these choices and if he has any intention of changing his circumstance any time soon? As long as he does have a plan and that plan doesn’t involve cocklodging in your house then might be worth riding it out for a bit and seeing how it goes?

lentilly · 20/10/2022 16:40

He makes me laugh and seems ok not really a glowing review there tbh.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 20/10/2022 16:50

I can see why he doesn’t want to pay for a full time home if he’s not there half the time. For me it would depend if he lives like a teenager letting his mum cook for him and wash his pants, or if he pulls his weight and is able to cook, clean and take care of himself (and anyone else) like a grown adult.

If you like him it’s probably worth finding out which camp he falls into.

TempName01 · 20/10/2022 16:53

Hire car? Do you mean on lease?

Original poster
tissueachoo · 20/10/2022 16:54

Back at his mums after his marriage went down. Works a way and in no rush to find alternative arrangements.

That on its on doesnt bother me - its the not owning a car either.

OP posts:
Original poster
tissueachoo · 20/10/2022 16:55

TempName01 · 20/10/2022 16:53

Hire car? Do you mean on lease?

No the company gives him a hire car apparently

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2022 17:00

Why would he need to own a car if he has a company car? He can’t drive two cars at once, can he? I’d struggle with him living with his mum in the sense that it would mean we’d always have to be at my place if the relationship went anywhere, but am aware that lots of people end up having to do so temporarily whilst they sort themselves out financially after divorce, including a couple of my friends. The working away would be the biggest problem for me - it’s difficult to develop a relationship with somebody who can’t be very present.

It doesn’t sound like you’re particularly keen, anyway, so best to keep looking.

StillNotWarm · 20/10/2022 17:00

Why would you buy a car if work will give you one?

From the further information, I'd see how it goes and not write him off just yet.

Darbs76 · 20/10/2022 17:04

Don’t blame him staying with his mum when he’s away half the time. I’d give it a go

lentilly · 20/10/2022 17:06

tissueachoo · 20/10/2022 16:55

No the company gives him a hire car apparently

Show quote history

Why would he buy one then? I think you're being a bit silly there.

roses2 · 20/10/2022 17:06

Well he has valid reasons for both choices - lives with him mum to save on rent because he works away so often so renting a separate place is a waste and his company give him a car. Nothing wrong with that?

Bookworm20 · 21/10/2022 08:57

If he moved back after a divorce then tha isn’t so bad. I guess if he’s not been in a relationship since he probably hasn’t felt the need to get his own place, especially as he’s away half the month.
if your relationship progresses, he might start thinking about changing that so I wouldn’t throw the towel in right away.

only time it might start to be an issue if he doesn’t want his own space is if he starts to spend most of the 2 weeks he’s back at yours, and doesn’t contribute to anything, so if keep an eye on that.

OP83 · 21/10/2022 10:03

Why own a car (and pay tax, insurance etc.) when work supplies him with one?

If he's only 'home' 50% of the time then maybe staying at the family home is an ideal solution.

If I was away half the time, a lot of my time off would be spent out visiting people, socialising and doing 'stuff' anyway. On that basis it would be foolish to pay a mortgage (and even more foolish to pay rent) on a house that he probably only uses to sleep in.

Are you more concerned about his lack of 'assets' (not a homeowner, doesn't own his car)? If so then that probably says more about you than him.

shieldmaiden7 · 21/10/2022 11:45

It's the living with his mum thing that would put me off. My ex told me he was living with his mum to help support her when his dad died, when we got serious enough for him to bring me home it turns out he never left, he was 45. The set up was weird and he still acted like he was a teenager. That was one of the main factors for leaving him.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/10/2022 11:50

Him living with his mother wouldn't work for me.

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