Long post, so thank you for your patience reading this.
First off, just to say, I’m not suicidal. I know my mother would be devastated, so I’m not going to harm myself, but honestly, if one morning I just did not wake up, that would be fine by me.
I’m in my early 40s and my life is a mess. I need help and advice to break free from this hell I’m living.
Background: I don’t want to be too specific or outed so I will keep details vague. Growing up we had a charmed life in many ways. After moving cities/countries a few times, my parents returned to our home town and he was something like Mayor. He had had a sort of trailer upbringing, so it was an ‘our boy done good’ sort of thing. He is a clever man, went to fancy universities, think Harvard, and we lived there as he did his Masters. 5 hours sleep, marathon running kind of guy. My mother’s job - think kindergarten teacher. We went to fancy schools, horseriding all that.
University: Again, I don’t want to be too specific, but the country we lived in had a crisis, something like an economic great depression, so I went to University in England where my uncle lived. The plan was to stay for 3 years, then come back home. If you got one of the high paying-jobs you could still get by. I studied Law. Even got an award.
Uncle: My dad’s brother had said he would take care of my expenses when I was in England. My dad had paid for uncle to go to England and for his job training etc. Uncle made a big show of saying, “don’t worry! We will pay for her! You helped me, so now I will help your kid!” and said they would pay the tuition and for accommodation. He even said, don’t ship over any extra luggage.
Reality: When I got to England, uncle gave me a bus ticket to the university, which was in a different city from where they lived. Then he gave me £20 and that’s all I ever got for expenses. £20 total. I bought a duvet from argos for £10 and a saucepan. Then I bought some pasta and had £1 left. At the beginning, I slept on a bare mattress in the halls. I did not need to pay for transport as I could walk to university. I got a job in a restaurant, because I figured I would at least get food there.
Tuition: The second year, my uncle said they wouldn’t pay for accommodation, so I became a nanny for a family near the university, plus a different, care work job to earn money because food was not included in the nanny job, but the restaurant hours would not fit nannying.
Every term I was nearly kicked out for non payment of tuition, uncle would grumble and say he’s taken out a loan. My parents sent some for tuition also, but the exchange rate meant that even my dad’s whole salary would not cover much.
Social life: Even though I was working as a nanny and a waitress I tried to be involved at university. I was elected to the student union. I was very involved in Christian union (I am agnostic now though). I tried a few sports. I was not much good at them, but it was a way to socialise without having to spend money.
Andy: I thought I was in a long distance relationship with a guy back home (Andy). He also used to send me his university assignments by email, saying that he was stressed and didn’t want to be kicked out and I would do them for him. But it turns out that the guy had many girlfriends and it was common knowledge. People didn’t really have facebook then. Years later, I asked my mother why she had never told me this and she just said ‘Oh, I thought you knew.’
Well, before I found out, I had flown home for a visit (money earned from the job. I did not go out, buy clothes. My money just went to food and to a plane ticket). He gave me a ring. He persuaded me to sleep with him, ‘as a sign of commitment’. But then he let everyone know. It is a religious community, and I was the subject of gossip. I eventually found out from a friend that he was engaged to someone else and I ended it. I think a part of me has never recovered. I know it is pathetic, but even thinking about it all now still makes me cry.
Postgrad: In the 3 years in England, the situation at home deteriorated. Some people thought there would be something like a military coup (hindsight: there wasn’t). So it was decided I should not come back right away and try to work in England until there was some stability.
I needed a visa to get a job. I could not even get any interviews. I ended up getting a temporary visa to study and work on a postgrad diploma. To pay for this, I got a job where I basically worked in a shop and lived in a room above it. I had reconnected with someone (Bob) who was also in England from my old neighbourhood.
Bob. Bob fed me lies about ‘we are soulmates’ and all that. We had a pregnancy scare. It turns out that he was just using me for a place to live. I found out that the cash was not balancing, and it turned out that Bob was disabling the security system and stealing from the tills at night. I lost my job, and I had to go to stay with my uncle. It was a terraced house with no room for me. They ended up getting a bunk bed.
Pregnancy. Bob went to live with his cousin. Stupidly, after we broke up, I slept with him and stupidly, agreed to use the pull out method. I couldn’t buy condoms or be on contraception, ‘because I wasn’t that kind of person.’ Yes, with hindsight, I know it is stupid. Also the church I was in was very ‘purity culture’ and you are ‘preparing to commit sin’ if you buy condoms.
A month later Bob called and asked if I got my period. I will never forget the cold feeling of realising I hadn’t. I was admitted to hospital several times for dehydration because I could not stop vomiting over the months. Over the course of the pregnancy I lost so much weight that you could see all my ribs. My uncle would have prayer meetings at his house to pray for my sinfulness. When I started to show too much, I went to Bob’s. I said either we get married, (yes, I know this is a terrible idea, but I was still very religious) or he should tell me what he wanted. He would not say anything.
Mother: My mother came to live in England, she did live-in care work, meaning she did not have her own house. Years later, I discovered there was some scandal with my dad and a beauty pageant runner up. My sister also came with her, but my mom left her at my uncle’s house. She went to one of the worst schools in England but got A levels.
She ended up in a poly situation with a guy who now has 9 children, 3 with my sister and no job. Sister works as a carer.
Dad: Dad is remarried. Half siblings were born before parents separated. During lockdown, I offered to teach them on zoom, as their schools were shut. He just said 'we'll see', and nothing else. Little contact.
Bob, ctd: So I went to live with Bob, but spent half the pregnancy in hospital. Bob lived with his cousin. They had a spare room with a bed, but said that Bob and I needed to sleep on the floor in the box room, so we did. After the baby was born, Bob got a flat, and I went with him. Turns out he was sleeping with someone I used to work with. He got violent and dragged me down the stairs by my leg, scraped my back raw, and banging my head. He also hit me, but his hands around my neck.
I know enough about statistics to know that domestic violence which includes strangulation strongly correlates to eventual homicide, so I left. I went to my mother. She had a studio flat. A friend also from my old neighbourhood growing up, Charlie reconnected. Charlie said that he had always loved me.
Charlie: Charlie knew all about Andy and Bob and what I had gone through. Charlie has a very visual disability that does not actually have physical limitations. Think something like a facial disfigurement, or being born with one hand. Charlie and I had always been friends, talking about books etc. Anyway, because of his disfigurement, Charlie had never had a girlfriend.
We went for premarital counselling together, so that we would make sure we had discussed important issues, etc. We dated for 18 months before getting engaged but did not live together. We were then engaged for a year.
But it turns out that he just said what he thought I wanted to hear. E.g. ‘housework should be shared!’ In the ten + years we have been married he has cleaned the bathroom maybe twice. He hoovers sometimes and he says he has done enough. Pretty much lied about everything that has any importance.
Also, it turns out that from the time he was a teenager, he used sex workers because he would never have the confidence for normal dating. He flew a lot to Thailand. I was too naive to realise what this was, and he just said he liked the beaches there when I asked when we were friends.
All this came out later. He says he thought that no one would ever go out with him, so when I agreed to, he thought it was his only chance to get married, but he doesn’t actually even like me. Some of the escorts were men.
In laws: Charlie's family actually said out loud, 'if I had been a better wife, none of this would have happened.' with Charlie's breakdown.
Kim: The child I had with Bob was ‘Kim’. I really tried my best to do my best for her. After about a year, Bob flew back to our home country. He has never paid child support. Charlie was her stepfather. She is not a happy child. She is now 18. One thing about her is that she never stopped having temper tantrums. She has them even now at 18, but she is lovely and sweet with teachers and friends parents etc. No one believes me. GP hasn’t helped. She has average GCSEs. Is in the last year of school now but only goes about 50% of the time. She consistently refuses to go to therapy.
Child Protection: When it all came out about the escorts, Charlie had a breakdown. Social services were called (Kim was not at home). For several weeks he was an inpatient. And children's services investigated, I think the Thailand business made the possibility of even more unsavoury things be on the table, but Kim said Charlie had never done anything to her.
Uncle part 2: Uncle says he wants his money back for tuition and accommodation, especially since I had wasted it. My dad had given him the title deed to a small property in our country, but uncle said that is not enough.
Bad corp: My dad got me a job with someone he knew based in England. The guy ended up going to prison for tax fraud and I nearly got caught up. I had no idea.
Jobs: I have had a few jobs. Mostly entry level things. At one point, I was working as a cleaner. It turns out that Charlie was taking the money and using it for escorts.
Volunteering: Because I have not been able to get work I thought of doing some volunteering. Sometimes I get brain fog and I have let the people down. I ended up quitting a couple of things.
Leaving: Obviously, I want to leave. I have been so depressed, that I have struggled to work. I just got fired from a remote job for not meeting targets. Sometimes I will just stare at a blank screen for hours. I can’t get benefits because we own our house (just a small terraced house). It has a mortgage still. I could not afford to buy him out.
Fantasy: I keep living in a fantasy that I win the lottery. So that I have enough to by myself a small house. A separate place for Kim to live and get therapy. Travel. Be respected by people.
Therapy: After I found out about Charlie’s cheating, I went for therapy. Over 3 years I saw 3 different ones. One was CBT just saying things like, ‘statements like “I am useless, or unloveable are not true.”’ It’s like just telling me common sense things and I didn’t find it helpful. I tried another one, and most of the time she would just be quiet. Like long stretches of silence. Wouldn’t give me advice. Just asking me about my childhood, and ‘how does that make you feel’. The third was CBT again. Not much help. I’m on antidepressants, but I can’t make myself take them regularly.
Religion: I have left my faith behind. Reading the bible many times, and it no longer made sense. But I feel adrift. All my friends were church people, and I just have not heard from any since.
Skills: I have no skills. The one thing I have is that I know a little bit about everything. My knowledge is a mile wide and an inch deep. The only hobby I have is writing fanfiction. It is not that good. I also edit for others. It is the one escape I have. It feels like trying to get a job which involves editing would take away the one enjoyable thing in my life, as it would turn it into a chore. Also, I know there is huge competition in that field.
Attempts: I tried to do an online IT course. I wasted a thousand pounds. I could not get myself to sign in. Job applications = ‘Overqualified’ ‘No experience’.
Odd: I do not interview well and I think I come across as a bit odd. I might be on the spectrum. I met my half brother (dad remarried). He is clearly on the spectrum, and he reminded me of myself in a lot of ways. I might have ADHD. Can't get an appointment.
Hoarding: I think it comes down to having moved so often as a child, and then leaving everything behind as an adult, plus some other things which means I just can’t let things go.
The house has one bedroom completely filled with things. You can’t get in. But the rest of the house is about 80% a normal house. It’s not like one of those shows. Just one corner of the master bedroom is stacked with boxes. Every month we are paying £300 for a storage unit, but I can’t bear to get rid of the things. Baby clothes, old duvets, christmas decorations, etc.
Untidy: In our house, I am the only one who does cleaning or cooking. Example, in the car, Kim ate a banana in the car. Threw the peel on the floor of the car. It's been there a week. It will only be cleaned if I clean. I feel like a house elf. Punishments like no pocket money have never worked on Kim. Also she sees that Charlie treats me like a house elf and just does the same.
Can’t face anything: I just can’t face doing anything. I don’t have any friends. I am unhealthy. (not overweight, but I do not think I could run a mile). I spend most of my time asleep or on Reddit or mumsnet.
Reputation: I'm a laughingstock. I had thousands spent on me for school, now I can't even get a basic job.
I can't live like this anymore.