I'm completely lost, mid 30s mum of 3, a wife and dog lover.
Now after a shite childhood, barely educated, first child at 18, twins born in my early 20s, married my childhood sweetheart, been together 18 years! I am/was a stay at home mum and people pleaser for 15 years.
(I stayed home so he could pursue his career, I wanted to stay home and raise my kids also)
the first 10 years I was quite happy with that . Husband has a good job and a good income, we struggle like everyone else financially, but we are better off than those on benefits/lower income.
Now, one of our children is severely mentally disabled, requiring a lot of care. Another child is autistic. It's been really hard, on top of this 6 years ago my parent was diagnosed with a form of demtia in their early 40s, and one year ago my other parent was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
There has been an immense amount of stress from extended family and so called friends and drama that has caused trauma to myself. Ptsd from having to resuscitate my own baby when a seizure almost killed him. The usual family stuff within my own little family to deal with also. Amongst other things. Myself and husband are happy and content we just want a quiet life, our own home and raise our kids.
Now, a year ago, after struggling more each year with our son and begging, kicking of, complaints to fight for basic services for him we finally got what we needed for him, we are in a better routine and place than we have ever been. I think my parents illness was a wake up call, like I said its been hard, I was given anti depressants years before this, I would drink wine every weekend, stopped looking after myself and was in a dark place. Suicide crossed my mind more than a few times. My kids are and will always be the most important to myself and husband, I am always open and honest with my kids about mental health. Anyway, I sat back and took stock of what the fu*k am I doing with my life basically, the kids are not babies anymore, I'm not happy, I was Lonley, bored and only just figuring out who I am, what I want from life and basically grew up.
My husband is my rock, he has supported every decision I have ever made, he works like a dog, goes above and beyond, is an amazing dad and husband.
We never got much help with the boys from anyone really, the odd night at grandparents here and there as a max maybe twice a year.
So a lot of soul searching later, an old passion kicked in, as I mentioned my education was nothing short of abusive as a child, staff putting you down every day. I wanted to get my own career and a better life for us all, with my husbands salary and mine combined in a few years our dream could be a reality. With not much in the way options, looking at the lifestyle of those I know and love, it made me sad.
I went to access college to get what I needed to get into university. I would go when the kids were at school 4 days a week for a year. Turns out I have a brain 😂
now im in university gaining my degree for my dream career, its hard, really hard but we are managing.
Now this is where I'm lost, after all the years of being just a mum, running around looking after everyone I possibly could, all the wasted energy when no one else noticed the smile I was hiding behind, the realisation that you have surrounded yourself with all the negativity possible, I have learnt to say no! I no longer drop everything, even precious time with my husband and kids to help out so called friends etc. I am happier, my home is run in a way that is best for us, we are all just very content 💖
So why do I feel so guilty???
😔
instead of sitting in my parents house, I am at home studying, instead of letting myself be dragged into other people drama, I ignore the calls and texts. All of this is a positive thing for me and my little family, no one has exactly made me feel like this. But no one congratulated me on starting my degree, or provided help and support to me or my kids, even in the darkest times, now all I get is comments that I'm never really around. But in a "nice" way.
The question that hurt the most was, why would you start a degree knowing how poorly your parents are? But I don't have the answer, in my
mind there will never be a right time for me, it's took me 5 years to figure this all out before we got the worst news about dad. I still visit everyone regularly, speak on the phone most days so it's not like I've cut everyone off. I am determined to get through the next 3 years, I know I will probably loose my dad whilst studying, I am trying to prepare for that as best I can, how can you be happy but sad and lost all at one time.
I know it's an insane read, but there must be someone out here who understands 🙏