Just wondering if anyone has any insight or advice really. I am actually loaded with cold/flu and off work today so I'm sat with a hot water bottle watching rubbish on TV, and proceeded to have lots of thoughts that I usually do whenever I watch a panorama or cost of living crisis type documentary.
I don't know if it's since the current cost of living crisis or if this is something that's coming to light following the death of my (only) parent and now taking on sole care of a disabled sibling, but I'm pretty petrified of starting my own family. Whenever I think about it, I am anxious and worried about doing a bad job or giving them a horrible life compared to previously feeling excited. Someone at work recently announced she is pregnant and honestly it made me sweat and feel a bit nauseous, and my cousin who bought a house at the same time we did is in the process of trying to sell because they can no longer afford it and might need to move to rented and I can see how devastated she and other people I know are at not being able to afford a mortgage on a home they've worked so hard for.
For context, I'm 28, married to DH 32, we've been together 11 years. Home with a (very small [less than 50k] mortgage and great equity, own a car, 2 incomes slightly higher than average. I was the first in my family to get a degree and buy a property.
However, for background, I will always remember my home as a child had pieces of carpets that mismatched in pattern because we couldn't afford new, broken mirrors hung up because they served a practical purpose but again could never afford to replace... Our home was always unclean with lots of animals and my mother smoked profusely, gambled and did drink too. We had a strained relationship where I took on care tasks for both her and my sibling because my mum had significant physical and mental health conditions. She was in psychiatric hospital and care a lot when I was a baby. In later years, she threatened suicide regularly and I found it difficult to manage, but we also relied on food banks, second hand furniture and clothing, and I always remember feeling poor. I remember being chastised as a kid for telling a teacher in school about our circumstances (who arranged a food hamper and referred us to social services) by my mother, and from that point on I never shared our circumstances with anyone else. Childhood was rough for me. I've had counselling for it and feel satisfied that these life events are dealt with.
Since then, I've lived a lovely life with DH (who is also from a poor background but this is because he was one of 7 with two hard working parents who just struggled to make ends meet). We've been on holidays neither of us could have imagined as kids, everything we own and have and do is from our own makings, and I'm so proud of all we've achieved. But I can't shake this feeling that if I were to have a child, they're bound for a nightmare and a childhood of pain and barriers (especially in the current cost of living crisis) and it's really eating away at me.
Our plan has always been to sell our current home and upsize to somewhere out of the city to something more akin to a family home. We hope to do this next year, and the plan was always to TTC then, but I can't help but feel like it's all going to come crashing down.
Any advice? After writing all of this I'm thinking I perhaps may need counselling again haha. DH thinks once we're in our forever home and cost of living crisis begins to wain, I'll start to feel excited again but at the moment I just don't see how... Cost of childcare, a new fixed term mortgage deal could come to an end and potentially double overnight, we'll have to adjust our working hours/reduce to one income to support with caring for a child since we don't have family nearby - I sometimes think I will never escape poverty no matter how hard I've tried and is it fair to bestow this on a child?