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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent DH sleeping in?

48 replies

saffa9 · 20/10/2022 06:18

I'm a carer to a disabled child of 4 (who does go to school), and I've also got an 8 month old at home

The set up is - Me and H have one day each at the weekend for a 'proper' lay in.

But during the week, I get up with DC1, whatever time that may be - usually between 4.30am and 5am. The 8 month old doesn't get up until 7.30 so I won't include her in this! She's still asleep anyway

Yet H sleeps in until gone 7, every weekday morning. And some days he will announce 'I'm not going into the office today' and not have to drag himself out of bed until nearer to 8.30 or later. So I feel resentful, as I've often got up at 4.30

AIBU to feel resentful?

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 20/10/2022 07:13

You need to have a serious discussion with him. You really need time and space to recover.

Do you think he sees you as an equal in the relationship? He clearly thinks his sleep is more important that yours.

Tomanycarrots · 20/10/2022 07:13

he sounds horrible tbh
assume he’s suddenly changed after the 2nd child but I’d be having an honest conversation. You’re either a partnership or you’re not

MaffsMover · 20/10/2022 07:15

I don’t want to add even more to your plate but should you be driving?

Fireballxl5 · 20/10/2022 07:16

buckingmad · 20/10/2022 07:02

…your point? I have to take my baby with me to the stables cause DH wants a lie in. I probs didn’t make that clear.

Show quote history

Your dh makes you take your baby to the stables?
Ffs, why on earth are you with this man?
The selfishness is unbelievable. What about on winter mornings?

My dh was so fantastic with our babies. I ebf but he would still get up to settle them so I could go back to sleep quickly.

All of you mnetters out there if your partner does not cherish you, love you more than life, isn’t prepared to make your life a bit easier at his own inconvenience then what sort of relationship do you have?
I’m pretty sure most of you put yourselves out for your dp’s.

Original poster

saffa9 · 20/10/2022 07:18

MaffsMover · 20/10/2022 07:15

I don’t want to add even more to your plate but should you be driving?

Yes - I'm not sleep deprived just tired and wish I had more rest

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 20/10/2022 07:18

Instead if helping you through a truly horrible time, he’s suspicious of your medicine?

Nah, fuck that. He’s an entitled twat and not a team player.

Original poster

saffa9 · 20/10/2022 07:19

Herejustforthisone · 20/10/2022 07:18

Instead if helping you through a truly horrible time, he’s suspicious of your medicine?

Nah, fuck that. He’s an entitled twat and not a team player.

I haven't worded that well - he's not suspicious of the medication but I suppose wonders how just after 2 doses, it's already kicked in? He doesn't get that it's nothing like Sertraline that he's taken in the past because Risperidone is An anti psychotic

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 20/10/2022 07:19

saffa9 · 20/10/2022 06:38

Yes. He just repeats the same 'you get to have a sleep when DD does during the day, I don't'

Show quote history

Tbf I think he has a point. He needs to be pitching in with housework though, so you can rest then.

girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 07:20

Your dh makes you take your baby to the stables?
Ffs, why on earth are you with this man?
The selfishness is unbelievable. What about on winter mornings?

What's wrong with taking a baby out in the winter? It's fine if they're appropriately dressed.

CourtneeLuv · 20/10/2022 07:23

saffa9 · 20/10/2022 06:48

His argument will be that I'd be taking advantage of my daughter sleeping in the day and do that too

Show quote history

What an absolute cunt.

Aria2015 · 20/10/2022 07:33

I agree with most posters. He's being very selfish. I won't bang on and ask what his good points are (if he has any!), instead I'll offer practical advice that he might be prepared to do (although I think he should do MUCH more). What if you asked him to do the Wednesday wake up so you have a recharge mid week and a break to the early mornings? He sounds like he doesn't want to I any, so doubt he’ll do half a week (like he should!). Maybe start with half the week and be prepared to negotiate down to one day a mid-week? Sorry your dh is unsupportive of you. You really deserve more.

Obki · 20/10/2022 07:33

He needs to stick to what days he goes in, so that you know when he will need a lift. It’s not fair that he will decide in the morning.

On the days where he WFH and gets up at 8.30, he needs to get up with dc.

asdadult · 20/10/2022 07:34

Is he the father of the 4 year old?

GreenManalishi · 20/10/2022 07:43

Sleep deprivation is key in exacerbating mental health issues. You are perfectly reasonable to expect him to share the load. Instead of supporting you he is making things worse.

For me, he would be doing every other wake up at least, if not more while you stabilise and start to feel stronger.

Lay it down very clearly, and set out what you and kids need from him. He sounds insufferable, I'm so sorry

RandomMess · 20/10/2022 07:47

Do you actually get any sleep during the day as I never did!!

I would be very resentful though. Perhaps you need to insist he does one mid week get up so you can sleep in a bit later than 4.30am or whatever. I wonder how much sleep deprivation has added to you needing anti-psychotic drugs!

Summerfun54321 · 20/10/2022 07:50

You need more sleep. He has to share or take over the early morning wake ups entirely. If you don’t recover you could be sectioned and your DH would have to do absolutely everything. Mental illness is fragile and he needs to start supporting you more now.

Fireballxl5 · 20/10/2022 07:52

girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 07:20

Your dh makes you take your baby to the stables?
Ffs, why on earth are you with this man?
The selfishness is unbelievable. What about on winter mornings?

What's wrong with taking a baby out in the winter? It's fine if they're appropriately dressed.

If pp wanted to take them then yes, fine but why should pp presumably have to appropriately dress baby and take them to stables when they could be at home with their df and pp would be quicker.

Turnaroundandigone · 20/10/2022 08:00

Yanbu. My ex does this and it causes huge resentment. Disabled, non sleeping child here too. I work part time, him full time. Apparently this means absolutely all child related stuff falls on me. I am leaving.

Obki · 20/10/2022 08:03

Turnaroundandigone · 20/10/2022 08:00

Goos luck

Does he know yet or are you getting your 🦆🦆🦆in a row first?

thelobsterquadrille · 20/10/2022 08:07

girlmom21 · 20/10/2022 07:20

Your dh makes you take your baby to the stables?
Ffs, why on earth are you with this man?
The selfishness is unbelievable. What about on winter mornings?

What's wrong with taking a baby out in the winter? It's fine if they're appropriately dressed.

Talk about missing the point 🙈

bananapyjamas · 20/10/2022 08:08

YANBU. If he's working from home and doesn't need to do anything until 8.30, it's unfair that he never helps you on a weekday.

Awumminnscotland · 20/10/2022 08:15

Saffa9, I really feel for you even before I got to the update re your currently poor health.
You deserve to be cared for by your husband and given whatever help he can give to help you, your health and in taking care if you he helps you be in good condition to be there for your children. In times of acute health crises or ongoing conditions that care should completely ramp up and you should feel it. And the children should feel safe and caref for. Yes this means he won't get lie ins and might shock horror, mean he has to step up with the hands on care. He absolutely should do this and strong partners will also be able to provide the emotional care and support to their wives and families too.
I hope you can speak to him about what you need from him and how the children are affected by him not stepping up. If not, try and get a family member to speak with him and lay it out. He's either being thick lazy or uncaring or all and more . You shouldn't really have to work this out because he should be better.
Please try and find a way to be stubborn and put yourself first do you can preserve yourself better.
I really hope you get some help to improve things at home.

Ohnoohdear · 20/10/2022 08:40

YANBU! My son wakes up at 4.30 and goes to sleep at 7.30. Even though he has a daytime nap (1.5h), it’s still more hours than a normal work day. My partner has him for around 2.5 hrs per day on the days he works so either morning or bedtime. I strongly believe in sharing all time when kids are awake and both are home/not working. When I’m working an 8 hr day I have him for 2.5 hrs and other half for the rest of the day. It works well for us.

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