AIBU to think I my mother is toxic?

[BearBirdBaboon]

I'm in my forties and I feel like I never want to see my mother again. When I was a child, my mother was often extremely nasty to both my sister and I. While I was sorting through some of my belongings recently, I found the diaries I kept as a child. Here are some examples of how I was treated:

• Caned/slapped me (for example, for not giving up a seat for her, or for not liking salmon)
• Told me that she hates me (& other hurtful things)
• Didn't get birthday/Christmas presents (yes, they could afford presents)
• Never went to parents' evening
• Never got praised, only told off or criticised incessantly
• Told off if I ever got ill (no sympathy) and told it was my fault

There's one aspect of my mother's treatment that I find the most difficult to deal with. She would never praise me for anything, even though I was really good at school (I was very well-behaved and got good grades). I now have two wonderful DSs and history is repeating itself and I find the disinterest she shows towards them difficult to take. If I ever tell her about their achievements, she just doesn't say anything.

For many years after I left home, I tried to make an effort, but it was always me who would call her or invite her to my home. My mother's simply not in the least bit interested in my life. She never asks after me or my family. Seeing her never makes me happy. Now, I find I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't want my young sons to experience the feeling of having their achievements ignored over and over and over.

AIBU to think that my mother is toxic? What are your thoughts about how my mother treated me as a child and her disinterest in me and my family now?

YANBU. Your mother is toxic. There's probably a reason why which if you knew it might help alleviate the resentment but ultimately she's not going to change and the effect is the same regardless of why she behaves how she does. If you don't want to see her (& I don't blame you) then don't. She doesn't appreciate it, it makes you miserable, it's not something that you want your DC exposed to. Everyone loses. Plus being treated that way themselves and seeing you being treated that way too might lead them to thinking that her behaviour is acceptable when it's not and erode their self esteem. You've done your very best to reach out repeatedly but she's just not interested, if she was she would at least treat your children better even if she was stuck in her ways with you. Personally I wouldn't bother telling her that you don't want to see her, just stop arranging visits (gradually if you don't feel able to suddenly stop - reduce number of visits or lengthen the time between visits). If she asks why (unlikely from the sounds of it, so that's one good thing) you're either very busy or say something about how she's either a negative influence on your lives, or that you felt that she didn't enjoy the visits so didn't want to impose or some such. Sounds like you've been flogging a dead horse, it's now time to put yourself and your children first. Best of luck x

I think you've tried hard enough now and it's time to walk away for your sake and for your children's.

And prepare yourself for when she starts to demand your help as she ages.

YANBU Stand firm in your own interpretation of events. My therapist told me that.
It has helped. Giving in to being manipulated (ie you're making it seem worse than it was) will erode you.

My parents aren't talking to me atm but I feel stronger in myself. I stood up for myself finally and it really soothed my inner child!!

Thank you for the replies so far.

@thejadefish I'd been thinking about how to handle not arranging any more meet ups, so thank you for the advice.

@IncompleteSenten I really hope she won't come begging in her old age, but it is a far I have. My sister and only other sibling lives in Australia, so I'm the only one she has here.

@J0yxPeace Thank you for telling me to stand firm in my own interpretation of events. If I ever did discuss it with my mother, I'm certain she'd vindicate herself by blaming me for her nastiness.

@BearBirdBaboon oh, no doubt. One of the first boundaries I ever tried to set, or rather, the first time that I understood that I was attempting to set a boundary, she sent me texts about how she wouldn't ''tolerate'' my nasty behaviour.

I think from then on I saw her much more clearly. before I'd always had this anxious feeling, just an uncomfortable sense that I'd handled it all badly and if I could just explain my point of view better, stay calm, never react, never get upset, just phrase it better... . She will punish me for it with silent treatments, stonewalling, martyrdom, turning it round to paint me as the aggressor, smear me to the relatives.

Looking back, I just never had the option to say look can you stop letting yourself in to my house, stop leaving stuff in my bedroom, not do favours I haven't asked you to do even though I'm grateful for what you have done for me. I just wasn't allowed.

She has written me out.

My therapist recommended an excellent work book called mindful self compassion by kristen neff phd and christopher germer phd. I did it a chapter per week because I wanted for the first time to think about the answers. Not just turn the page. But really think about the answers to the questions and heal. I was determined to. There were chapters about re-parenting and I found it fascinating that the re-parenting was divided in to re mothering and re fathering. I needed both to be honest. I had a very critical inner voice and I also found it difficult to motivate myself, plan, put myself forward in any competitive way at all

I really recommend a bit of therapy. Another helpful thing that my therapy helped me see and understand was that I was labelled sensitive when I felt my OWN emotions but I was labelled cold when I didn't feel HERS.

That was so obvious looking back but I was so badly gaslit I didn't see it until she wasn't talking to me.

Yes she is toxic and don't think for one minute you have to care for her in old age , you reap what you sow etc . Where was your dad in all this ?

@J0yxPeace Thank you for sharing some of your past suffering with me. The book looks really helpful and I'll be getting it - thank you for letting me know about it. I haven't really 'talked' about any of this before and now that I've allowed myself to, I do feel like a bit of therapy would be beneficial. I've never had therapy before, so I'll look into it after half term, I think.

@hattie43
Where was your dad in all this ?

Well, that's a whole other can of worms...so here goes. My mother and father divorced when I was about a year old, I think. My mother then remarried when I was seven and we moved from Asia to the UK. My mother made no effort to help my sister and I to keep in touch with our dad and were expected to call our step father "daddy".

Fast forward to last year. I was looking in my photo albums from my childhood and realised that I didn't have any photos of my dad and I, but I did have a number showing me from a baby to ten years old or so with another man, then he disappeared from my life. This reminded me of when my grandmother (when she was alive), telling my sister, and then me (when we were teenagers) that this other man was in fact my dad, which my mother denied. I wanted to get to the truth and miraculously managed to track this other man down. A DNA test proved he wasn't my dad, but I did meet with him and he told me that my mother had told him that I was his daughter. I then got my sister to do a DNA test, which showed we shared the same parents. So, I told my dad and he was really happy, as he said that my mother told him that I wasn't his daughter (which explains why whenever we did see him, he treated my sister and I differently).

So, I don't consider myself as having a dad really.

She is toxic and will never change. I cut my mum out of my life for similar reasons to you. It felt strange at first but I remained strong. Keep looking at the diaries, what woud you say to a friend who showed you diaries like that? Best wishes xx

She certainly sounds toxic and I'm sorry to hear you have gone through these things in your life; nobody should ever feel that way due to a parent.
Others have already said it but I'd also recommend some talking therapy as it would likely be very beneficial, you would get to say your truth and be heard.

My relationship with my own mother was toxic. It was only me and her, and she made me have unreachable levels of perfection from honestly birth. She 'didn't notice' I was born with a significant foot deformity, my Nan noticed and then my mum begrudgingly got me seen by a doctor aged 1 and I was operated on. It affects me every day my joints dislocate.
She would tell me labels had to be facing forward, and if they weren't I was dragged by my hair to put them back 'right'. I was made to fully clean the bathroom every time I showered, again labels facing forward. Nothing I did was good enough. Ever. Having my first child age 20 and being told "you can't have a baby you'll kill it" really set the tone, but then every time she visited she would tell me thing I was doing 'wrong' when in fact they were fine. Like putting her feet at the bottom of the cot, apparently that was wrong and I was killing my baby. It got worse when she started talking and my mum took her out as she wouldn't let me come with, and my daughter said "Nan asked what have you been saying about her and when did you last hurt me". That was the final straw and in 2020 I cut the cord.
I gave a full explanation to my mum of why I was cutting contact, not even my kids have contact. Their minds were being filled with poison and the last 3 years without her have been amazing. I've not been judged and my kids have their dads side of the family who love them unconditionally, as it should be.

I had CBT therapy to cut the cord, I was bluntly honest and I've missed a lot of very very horrible stuff she did to me out because it probably wouldn't be allowed to be posted. Make sure you have good friends around you and your life will be so much brighter for it.