This might be very long so I apologise in advance.
FiL and SMiL moved abroad some years back. FiL retired and SMiL works a very high end job and refuses to retire. They have a civil relationship with DH and his siblings, professional almost. MiL raised all of them on her own.
Since I came into the picture I have only met them a handful of times, always with one or more of the other in-laws being there at the same time and never longer than a weekend. They are not very popular with some members of the family due to various issues over the years. Will happily discuss anything between heaven and earth as long as it doesn't include feelings.
I have been with DH over 10 years, married with two small DC, a toddler and a baby. He's had several problems with FiL over the years and I always tried to encourage him to smooth things over as I'm very close with my (a lot smaller) family and think family is very important.
Fast forward to recently. Haven't seen them since before Covid. Haven't been on holiday since before Covid, like everyone else. So we booked a hol to see family abroad.
During the stay, SMiL was working constantly while smoking like a chimney inside. Her house so can't say much about that, just that I tried to keep the DC away from it, also it was expected to keep them away and quiet anyway so not to disturb her.
DH was expected to cook for everyone every night but DCs weren't expected to eat with us as would be too disruptive. We would eat after they've gone to bed. So he had to cook first for them, then for everyone else.
I was stuck with carrying DC2 around everywhere while looking after DC1 as couldn't leave them alone due to the house being very child unfriendly. Stone floors, steep hard stairs, sharp edges etc. No help was ever offered, they would just watch it all play out while browsing the net.
We were constantly talked at. Also the weather was horrible so we couldn't get out of the house. The list goes on and on.
It all came to a head one evening halfway through the week when they asked about my family. I had lost my mum to the big C 5y ago, we were very close and that was the worst time of my life which I shared some details of. Due to a sensitive discussion DH and I had shortly before I was already a bit emotional.
What followed was SMiL shouting at me to GET OVER IT as everyone dies and to move on already. For reference she hated both her parents. FiL, who always supports her, said "she died 5y ago, why are we still talking about her today?" I said she was my mum who I loved very much and will be talking about her in 50 years time too! The more upset I got the more I was yelled at and if I wasn't already upset I'd have gotten angry and told them where to go but as it was I just went quiet from pure shock as couldn't believe what I was hearing. Some other things were said too by SMiL but think you get the gist!
DH tried to step in several times and explain I just wanted to share some of myself but got yelled at in return too until he bluntly told SMiL to just stop which she did in the end.
I cried myself to sleep that night and spent next few days on autopilot, just going through the motions as just felt numb. FiL and SMiL continued on as if nothing happened, SMiL left next morning for a work trip so we didn't see her rest of our time there.
DH, who knew my mum and was there through the whole thing, said my mum was a wonderul loving person and to ignore everything that was said by two emotionless sociopaths and that we won't be staying there ever again.
I told him I'm done with everything, wish we'd never come and that if he wants to bring DC there in the future he can but I'm never going anywhere near that vile woman ever again. I will never forgive her for insulting my mum's memory and only a grovelling apology may persuade me to be in the same room as her which I will get sometime never as none of them think they did or said anything wrong.
After we left, DH spoke to a couple of his siblings to vent and make a plan for the future with how to deal with FiL rather than blowing up and ending things for good (due to some additional stuff that happened). Prior to us coming two of the siblings' partners have already vowed over time never to set foot near them again, with me it makes it 3 out of 4.
As Xmas is approaching there will be some family gatherings and this will no doubt come up. I don't see myself being anything but brutally honest about how I feel but at the same time it is their dad, however flawed he is and I'm not sure how to approach such a situation. There is also a sibling who thinks they are best thing since sliced bread and don't want to fall out with additional in-laws because they feel the need to justify FiL and SMiL's actions while I believe that what happened was inexcusable.
I don't know what I'm asking for here, just some objective perspective perhaps. sigh :(