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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Booted from FB group - who is BU?!

13 replies

Flowerpower36 · 19/10/2022 15:26

I’ve been removed from a Facebook group, and I’m just interested in opinions as to whether people think the group admins are right in doing this?

It’s a private support group for a medical condition I have. It’s all women, due to the nature of the condition.

The official UK charity for this condition used to have a forum on their website years ago, that was the way you would connect with others experiencing the same problems, and offer/seek advice. Apparently, use of the forum was dwindling significantly and so they moved to using Facebook.

So, they have their primary Facebook page, but then also on the page are

links to (geographical) regional sub-groups.

These groups are managed/moderated by other group members, not people who work for the charity.

I’m not going to say I’m on the group chatting away every single day, because I’m not… but when I’m in the middle of a particularly bad flareup of my health problem, I do go on there for support, to ask advice, and if anyone else is struggling I will always offer any support I can in return.

Around once a month, the main admin girl organises an in-person meet up. On the group rules, there is absolutely nothing listed about being obliged to attend these.

She sends out an event invite via the Facebook page, and she expects a response from every person. She’s constantly putting posts on saying that she is yet to hear from members regarding whether they are coming or not. So there’s always a lot of posts where people feel obliged to come and give details about why they cannot attend.

She post photos of the events (usually a meal in a pub) after they have happened, and I’d say normally only a small handful of maximum of five or six people ever attend. I am unsure as to exactly how many people are in the group, I think there are a couple of hundred. So I can’t say for sure that she has removed every single one of us who has never attended an event! (because it’s a private group and I’m no longer in it!)

Reasons I have not wanted to go to any meet ups are because if I’m being totally honest, I do find things like this with people I don’t know absolutely excruciating… I hate the thought of eating in front of people I’ve never met before… and more often than not I’m actually genuinely busy on the day they are happening.

When turning down invitations, I’ve always been very polite about this. I have never got into conflict with anybody on the group at any point in the past. And I’ve always been very courteous and thanked people who have replied to my posts.

But then, there was a post the other day on the group saying that people have repeatedly failed to attend the events will be removed! And a few hours later, I could no longer access it and I noticed I was no longer a member.

Were they Right in removing me?! :(

OP posts:
Flowerpower36 · 19/10/2022 15:26

(OMG I’m so sorry about the length of my post 😩)

OP posts:
Magenta82 · 19/10/2022 15:29

This sounds ridiculous, membership of an online support group should not require in person meet ups.

I would contact the charity to find out what is going on.

Sparklesocks · 19/10/2022 15:30

That is a shame. I am in a few fb groups for different things and I think sometimes the admin gets a weird power trip from it and enjoys asserting authority. I’ve seen some who are very stringent and basically sap any ‘fun’ out of the group because they’re policing posts so heavily.

Is there another admin you could message and try and reason with as the group is a big source of support even without the meet ups?

Chickychoccyegg · 19/10/2022 15:30

It was totally outrageous of them to chuck you out the group , not much you can do about it though, hopefully there's another online support group, or start your own, for all the people booted out

SoftwareDev · 19/10/2022 15:31

If you still wish to be a part of the group U’d contact someone at the charity to complain. It’s hardly sound nurturing or supportive to boot out members due mig attending events!

There are all manner of valid reasons for wanting to be part of the group but not wishing to meet up.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/10/2022 15:31

Facebook admins generally make their own rules so I'm that sense she can make rules like this, however it isn't in the spirit of this type of support group and if associated with a charity I would be inclined to contact the charity to make them aware.

GlassesWearer · 19/10/2022 15:36

Facebook admins, much like Reddit mods and mumsnet mods 😁can do what they like. If they keep this up then they'll tank the entire page - then they'll lose the source of their power. It sucks but move on. Sometimes you can't fight the system and you'll just upset yourself trying. I had a post (where I desperately needed a handhold) removed recently for being a troll despite having posting history and being an active user - they even said it had been taken down to look behind the scenes but clearly didn't - it really upset me but the world keeps turning and you'll find support elsewhere. I'm sorry though, it does feel unreasonably unfair and infuriating.

Magenta82 · 19/10/2022 15:38

GlassesWearer · 19/10/2022 15:36

Facebook admins, much like Reddit mods and mumsnet mods 😁can do what they like. If they keep this up then they'll tank the entire page - then they'll lose the source of their power. It sucks but move on. Sometimes you can't fight the system and you'll just upset yourself trying. I had a post (where I desperately needed a handhold) removed recently for being a troll despite having posting history and being an active user - they even said it had been taken down to look behind the scenes but clearly didn't - it really upset me but the world keeps turning and you'll find support elsewhere. I'm sorry though, it does feel unreasonably unfair and infuriating.

I'm sorry that happened, I hope you got the support you needed. If you email them then often mumsnet will put it back up. Someone will have reported the post and they took it down to be cautious.

oopsfellover · 19/10/2022 15:39

It’s a shame for you to be cut off from the group’s support. But she sounds nuts and maybe you’re well out of it in a way. I’d feel the same in your position.

SafferUpNorth · 19/10/2022 16:02

Wait... what?!! You were removed from a Facebook group for not attending in-person meet-ups... that's ridiculous!
With ANY support group (online or IRL) there should never be an OBLIGATION to attend anything. Agree - contact the charity to complain. I bet it won't be 'official' policy, just control freakery by this admin.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 16:11

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 19/10/2022 15:31

Facebook admins generally make their own rules so I'm that sense she can make rules like this, however it isn't in the spirit of this type of support group and if associated with a charity I would be inclined to contact the charity to make them aware.

This.

It could be they have a load of weirdos who don't have any connection to the condition on the page or something but there are other ways to police this like if someone hasn't commented they get removed.

Incrediblebuttrue · 19/10/2022 16:17

I would check if they really are still connected with the charity. If not, they can do what they like. Join again under a different name, invite everyone to attend your new support group instead.😆

GlassesWearer · 19/10/2022 16:19

Magenta82 · 19/10/2022 15:38

I'm sorry that happened, I hope you got the support you needed. If you email them then often mumsnet will put it back up. Someone will have reported the post and they took it down to be cautious.

I couldn't find a way to contact the mods directly. It really upset me at the time. My whole family were taken to hospital with carbon monoxide poisoning, including my DD who is only 10 weeks old. Some smart-ass know-it-all commented that I'm lying because gas leaks can't cause carbon monoxide poisoning (it bloody well can) and, before I could even respond, the post was taken down. I was in hospital, in the middle of the night, really unwell, separated from DD, DS and DH and literally had no one else to turn to for support (didn't want to wake family/friends but someone is always awake on mumsnet). I was unreasonably upset about it at the time so I understand why you feel so upset about the Facebook page. It's like being told off when you've done nothing wrong and you have no way of clearing your name.

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