To think ex shouldn't introduce our kids to new partners too quickly?

[cool4cats2020]

My ex has (yet another) new girlfriend, of less than a month. Our kids haven't met new gf yet (and neither have I), but only because ex cancelled the previous contact weekend. Now I've heard via the kids that ex is intending to take them to stay at new girlfriend's house for 6 days over half term. So first introduction will be upon arriving at her house, and staying for several nights. Ex hasn't told me this, I've only heard about it from our kids. And I've not raised it with ex yet.

I don't think anyone would say I'm being unreasonable to not be comfortable with this arrangement?

Back story (possibly tldr):

My ex has a habit of bounced from one relationship to another, getting serious very quickly. Few years ago ex met and married a woman within 6 weeks of meeting them. Had our kids (age 10, 7 and 5 at the time) calling new partner step mum straight away. That relationship imploded spectacularly after a couple of years. Ex recently introduced our kids to another new gf earlier this year. The introduction was done on one of ex's contact weekends when our kids went to stay there, and new gf was there the whole weekend too (all 5 of them crammed into a 2 bed flat). Kids met this new gf a couple of times before relationship ended - when ex dumped her to get back with the above mentioned wife.

Our kids have seen so much of ex's drama that it's like water of a ducks back to them (but that's not the point, they shouldn't be exposed to it all, it's making them think this is normal relationship behaviour). There's been more than one occasion when I've ended up giving ex's one night stands a lift home after dropping our kids off there, just to make sure the stranger is out of the house.

Recent situation was that ex has moved very fast with yet another woman - was intending to introduce them to the kids a few weeks back, again on their contact weekend, where new woman would arrive late Saturday night (after working, and after the kids had gone to bed), so they would wake up Sunday morning with this new woman they've never met before in the 2 bed flat with them. I told ex that I didn't feel that was appropriate, which ex obviously disagreed with, and told me I was being controlling. Told ex all I care about is the welfare of our kids and shielding them from these shenanigans. In the end, circumstances changed and the kids haven't yet met this new gf.

I haven't called my ex out on this weekend's arrangements yet (it's bound to lead to another argument), but surely I'm not being unreasonable to be concerned about such rapid 'in at the deep end' introductions of new partners?

Also, should probably have mentioned that we have a child arrangements order in place that stipulates ex has them every other weekend and extra in school holidays. It doesn't mention where ex has/takes them for contact (which I understand would be pretty abnormal to specify). So I can't just refuse to let the kids go with my ex without breaching to court order.

Haven't you ever discussed with him that the kids aren't to meet a new partner for a certain amount of time??

The kids sound fairly switched on to his behaviour unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about this unless she is a danger he can do as he pleases

He's being ridiculous but unfortunately it's up to him.

YANBU to feel uncomfortable with it.

However, you cannot do anything about it. You don’t get a say in it. He doesn’t have to tell you anything - his contact time, his choice.

Yes, I've raised it every time it's happened in the past. Ex never discloses new relationships to me before introducing the kids - I usually hear about it from them. All I get in response is a loud of abuse and being told it's none of my business. Ex won't even discuss it, never mind any rational negotiation or agreement - we're poles apart.

I don't care what my ex gets up to, I've moved on, my only concern is that it doesn't negatively affect our kids.

He doesn’t need to discuss it. It isn’t any of your business.

It’s up to him who he introduces them to in his time

How old are they now, if they are older they can see it for what it is, less of an issue. Dd nosily deliberately goes to see her dad when he has a new girlfriend (scares them off usually!) she likes to vet them

Unfortunately he's right. And I don't think you mentioning it again will help. He's a dick

It is ridiculous and so bad for the kids. What is that going to teach them about relationships and having respects for others? Is he using them to attact women who want to play blended family with him?
Seriously I think children are better off raised by a sole parent that cares about them than by individuals (male and female) too busy to jump from a relationship to another and involve children in their messy lives and unstable relationships.
I feel for you and your kids.

So you wouldn't be concerned about the kids being exposed to repeated love bombing flings and being led to believe that this revolving string of partners are genuine step parents? You don't think it might be setting a bad example to the kids of how relationships work?

It’s not about what I think, legally he can do what he likes in his time she legally can’t stop him.

He sounds pathetic. I sympathise, DH ex introduced the DC to a new man when he went with her to pick them up from school, apparently a few days after they met on OLD and he moved in the following day. It was insane. The kids were deeply unsettled and unhappy. It obviously didn’t last long but took a longer term toll on them because they didn’t know when they’d never have a random bloke in their home.

You can’t stop him behaving like a love sick pillock. And his behaviour will probably damage the kids. But you know what he’s like and all you can do is try and keep things stable at yours for them and not engage with him about it. I expect any push back creates a him and her against the world dynamic that he quite enjoys.

Whether he's being a dick or not is beside the point.

So long as the DC are safe and cared for, it is up to him how he parents when it is his time with them. Unfortunately that includes making decisions about if/when to introduce them to new partners.

Of course that works both ways and he doesn't get to dictate what you do when it's your time with them, he also doesn't get a say in if/when you introduce them to any new partners.

Don't say anything negative about him in front of the DC, keep modelling positive behaviours and positive relationships, let him crack on with whatever the fuck it is he's doing. Children aren't stupid, they'll work it out for themselves that he's in and out of relationships and that it's not ideal.

I know I can't stop them (well I probably can actually, as there are certain clauses in our court order that give me a veto over contact with ex, but using it would cause a shit storm). I was asking if I'm being unreasonable to be concerned about it.

Icing on the cake is that they've just announced that they're getting married. Clearly they're both as nuts as each other. Not sure if they've told the kids yet. Only saving grace is that ex will have to divorce the previous partner first, so that'll delay proceedings.

You absolutely aren't being unreasonable.

You’re not being unreasonable but there’ll be nothing you can do about it sadly. I had the same with my ex, I lost count of the number of women he introduced the kids to but sadly they got used to it. They don’t see him at all now and one of the reasons is that he put his gf’s before the kids and they lost respect for him partly because of that.