To make dc go to sports activity

[Hoverfly1]

My 8 yo dd is very introverted and shy and finds social situations quite difficult. She has taken part in gymnastics classes since she was 4 and loves doing gymnastics. She practices at home for hours on end and when she isn’t practicing she watches YouTube videos and tv shows about gymnastics. She also happens to be quite good at it and is in an advanced class with older girls at her club.

To stay in the advanced class she is supposed to commit to 2 training sessions per week, but she regularly cries and says she doesn’t want to go and is generally difficult about getting ready to go. She is always happy and says she has had a good time when she comes out of the class and is excited and proud when she learns new skills. When I pick her up from class I ask her if she is is looking forward to going back next time she will say yes, but by the time the class comes around she will says she doesn’t want to go.

AIBU to keep insisting that she goes as long as she is still having a good time once she is there? Her dad thinks we should just stop making her go altogether because she gets upset about it. I feel differently as I do some sports activities of my own and know that it’s normal to feel like you don’t want to leave the house and do it but once you are there you have fun and are glad you went!

To add to this she has difficult to control asthma that isn’t triggered by exercise, and her consultant recommended that she does plenty of regular exercise to help improve her lung capacity.

It's a difficult one - I think if there was a particular reason she was saying (ie I don't like the teacher) it would be clear what the issue is. Is she generally very good at communicating with you? Would she tell you if some of the other kids were leaving her out, or she felt in any way uncomfortable?
Otherwise it sounds like she's just being an 8 year old! There were lots of things I would refuse to do as a child (usually for attention!) but I'm really glad my parents made me go to them

From the title I thought it was clear cut but actually I think you are right she is happy at the activity, the anxiety seems more broad.

Hmm tricky one, 8 is a whingy age and if you stopped making them do anything that made them whinge they'd never eat, brush their teeth, dress etc never mind beneficial activities like school, holidays, going to the park etc! It could be just a leaving the house thing like you say if she enjoys it while there, is the crying and upset def just while she gets ready/out of the house or does it continue all the way to the club? Is she tired/hungry at the times she needs to leave i.e. is it after school and before dinner, if so does a brief rest and a snack help matters? Is she like this about leaving the house on other occasions e.g. to go to school, other activities, visit friends or family etc or just for this specific activity?

It does sound a little extreme and reminds me a bit of my middle DD at a similar age, different sport but like yours she was good, going several times a week and in a more advanced group than her age, she did seem to enjoy herself while there but the upset about going gradually got worse and worse until it was full-on tantrums - in our case complicated by the fact her older sister did the same sport and was absolutely obsessed, youtube not around in those days but older DD had her room plastered in posters, spent all her pocket money on magazines and videos and sport paraphenalia, talked about it constantly, any birthday or christmas present was to do with the sport etc etc - I think with the younger one there was an element of copying her sister/competitiveness/jealousy that got her all muddled up emotionally, plus that was the age the coaches started to push her, want her doing harder and more scary skills etc and wanted her to be a bit more grown up in terms of concentrating and practicing outside class, rather than just having fun and showing her natural ability which was quite tough for her. Eventually the moaning and not wanting to go escalated to the point we decided she needed to come out of the higher level group and go back to her natural age group which was more of a fun/exercise based class than aiming for competitive success, which we thought would cause a meltdown for DD but actually she was pretty 'meh' about it so it was the right call. We also gently encouraged her to try out and some other sports and activities that her older sister didn't do to get away from the comparisons, and eventually she dropped her original sport all together in favour of something else ... I do think it's a bit of a shame, would have been lovely if all the DC did the same sport and much easier logistically for me also, plus middle DD was maybe the most naturally good at it, but of course her enjoyment and feelings much more important than that, and she still got exercise through the other sports. She's grown up now and still much more of a 'dabbler' in her life in general compared to older DD who picks one thing (career, hobby, relationships lol) and sticks to them forever - neither way is right or wrong IMO, just different personalities.

Maybe with your DD is there a natural break point where she could either try a different group within the same sport or a different sport for a while - if the whinging and unhappiness continues no matter the activity then you'll know it's perhaps more tiredness or laziness whereas if she happily goes off to something different then gym maybe just isn't for her (or it might be she doesn't like that group or class, a too pushy coach or a bullying other girl could be the culprit also)..

I think you need to treat her anxiety seriously and not force her to go back, at least not until you've got to the bottom of what makes her reluctant to go.

Is she being bullied by other children or the staff? Abuse can take many forms, obviously sexual abuse is a big concern in gymnastics but there are other forms of abuse such as unfair criticism or ridiculing the pupil. It's probably not this, it's relatively rare really (probably the majority of staff are not abusers) but it might explain why she's happy leaving and worried about going - it's not uncommon for the abuse to become "normalised" in the victim's head and then be troubled when the reflect on it later.

You say she's quite advanced and is with "older girls" - how much older? At a young age like this, a year or two makes a big difference. A ten year old is interested in different things to an eight year old so it's likely she feels quite lonely there regardless of whether the other girls are deliberately trying to make her feel bad.

I asked her if there is anything specific about the class she doesn’t like, any of the coaches she doesn’t like etc but she says there isn’t. Her group coach is female, as are all the coaches at the club, and she seems to be quite friendly and ‘nice’, dd says she likes her. The girls in her class are 10-12 kind of age, I don’t think it’s anything to do with them as they don’t actually interact much at training other then lining up to take turns or sometimes pairing up. DD doesn’t take part in any of the social activities that the club offer so she doesn’t actually know anyone outside of training but I have watched the class plenty of times and not seen anything to suggest there is an issue with the other girls.

My own feeling is that she just overthinks it before she goes and gets worked up, she usually moans in the drive there and sometime cries when she goes in, but is fine as soon as they start the warm up.

She sometimes goes though a similar episodes with swimming lessons where she doesn’t want to go for ages, but I’ve been clear that swimming isn’t optional so she just gets on with it and after a while seems to enjoy the lessons. She recently had a break from gymnastics and took up another activity which her brother does and she thought she would enjoy but was complaining about it within weeks so I withdrew her from the class because she didn’t seem to have a real interest in it.

She needs to stay active for her health and I have suggested we just do some short runs or bike rides a couple of times a week instead but she doesn’t want to do that either. Part of me thinks that some of it is she just because she can’t be bothered going out after school!

I’ve experienced this when my dd was younger. For her, it was separation anxiety made worse by covid where she was basically at home with us all the time. We pushed through, thinking like you, if she ever did not enjoy the class she could stop. But she bloody loved it despite the tears and anxiety before. We got a kid’s cbt workbook on anxiety which helped us as parents with how to handle it. We learnt that the best thing for separation anxiety is practising doing things separately, so kept trying to help her through the tears. Thank goodness it has stopped now and she goes really happily.
Do you know what your dd’s anxiety is? (Could it be social? If it is anxiety at all). We used to ask dd after the gym what had made her upset beforehand , so she was relaxed and happy enough to explain it a bit.

If she is in tne advance class can she drop back to the normal one so it’s more focused on just having fun?

@Runaway1 I think it could be separation anxiety of some kind. She was always reluctant to go to school etc when she was younger so it could just be a form of that. I’m glad your dd improved!

@Sirzy I have suggested that to her but she said it would be boring as they just do floor stuff and she lives for the bar and trampoline!

This is a difficult one and I can really understand why you want her to keep going. I'm not sure I agree with the PP who said that 8 is a whingy age, this hasn't been my experience at all and my DD and the same-age friends she does sport with all seem to live for it.

I wonder if there is another gym nearby where she could be with girls her own age? There is quite a big difference between 8 and 10-12. Although there might not be anything unpleasant going on, it might just be that your DD would make closer friends and thus feel more comfortable with girls her own age?

Some children can work things up and become over anxious even though they dont know why. Even if its something they find enjoyable. My suggestion is to take the pressure off. Move her out of the advanced class and make going to gymnastics her own decision. If she wants to go , support her. If she doesnt then dont make a big deal out of it.

My guess is she will miss the regular sessions, miss the people and the exercise and when she is ready ask to be put back in. Maybe if you tell the coach this is your plan then they may be able to keep the place open for a month or so until your daughter has chance to see for herself whether its not for her.

Yeah, we got there in the end. It was also happening at Rainbows (which again she loved). I just knew in our case if I let her stop it would get worse and prevent her from doing things she loves. Now it’s a real
strength to draw on because we can talk about it as anxiety she got over and it helps her know she can get through fears. I found the workbook was really helpful - especially as it acknowledges how hard and horrible this is for parents!

@Runaway1 that exactly why I think she should keep doing it, unfortunately her dad isn’t on the same page. Can I ask where you got the anxiety workbook from?

I desperately wanted to do ballet as a child, but I was so shy. My mum took me to 2 lessons but my shyness got the better of me and I cried. She stopped taking me but looking back, I wish she had pushed me to it because it could've helped with my confidence levels!

I would keep taking her, especially as she has a good time when she's there and enjoys herself.

It was called ‘what to do when you worry too much’ and I got it from Amazon, after another mumsnetter recommended it.

100% I would keep taking her to the classes.

I think YABU to keep making her go especially since she is crying when she goes in after you force her. Her saying “yes” to your question of “did you have fun” on the way home is not what she really feels imho. She’s giving you the answer you want to hear. It’s also a way to avoid an inquisition if she says no. It puts the whole session behind her.

I think you’re giving some mixed messages too. She started that activity her brother does, but after a few complaints (but no tears!) you withdrew her for lack of interest? I mean WTF? So saying you don’t want to go to gymnastics and getting distressed to the point of crying isn’t a good enough to quit gymnastics but mere “lack of interest” and a few whinges doing what is presumably a “boy” activity, and right you are withdrawn? Does that not strike you as a bit perverse?

Swimming I get as that is a life skill. So enough on that,

But I think you should look at her trying other sports until she finds something she enjoys….or at least isn’t so upset about going that she is crying! And think about the boy/girl sports things…because whether it was conscious or not, you are pushing hard on a traditional girly sport. Harder than I think you should.

@Discovereads the activity her brother does is horse riding which I wouldn’t call a ‘boy’ activity but then I don’t usually separate sports into big/girl activities so maybe I’m wrong.

Horse riding is extremely expensive compared to other sports and she had no interest in it after the first few lessons, unlike gymnastics which she loves and willingly practices in her own time. I know she sets herself gymnastics goals and gets a sense of accomplishment when she achieves them. That’s why I want her to keep going to gymnastics and wasn’t bothered by her giving up a sport that she wasn’t actually interested in.

Loves it or is doing it at home to please you? You are pushing her and clearly that involves disappointed faces and exasperated sighs and cajoling and ignoring her pleas not to go plus ignoring her tears all to get her to go to these sessions.

Its possible she’s trying to prove to you she can do the gymnastics you think are so important without going to the lessons.

Have you ever said anything to her other than how important gymnastics is? Ever hinted she can choose to quit and you won’t be disappointed in her? She should have the freedom to go or not without feeling like your love is riding on her going.

That’s my opinion. So I’ll leave the thread now but I don’t think you can honestly know if she really loves gymnastics given the dynamic.

@Discovereads I have no interest in or knowledge of gymnastics so she definitely doesn’t do it to please me. In fact it usually displeases me greatly when she wants an air track blown up in the living room when we are trying to watch tv, or is outside on the trampoline in her pyjamas at 8am when she is supposed to be getting ready for school. I know she loves gymnastics. I’m an ultra runner and I would like my kids to run with me but none of them do, even though it would please me immensely if they did.

Loves it or is doing it at home to please you? You are pushing her and clearly that involves disappointed faces and exasperated sighs and cajoling and ignoring her pleas not to go plus ignoring her tears all to get her to go to these sessions.

With the best will in the world, you're projecting.

OP - I think plenty of children get this, love the activity but get themselves worked up beforehand. If she's genuinely enjoying it, it seems right to continue to encourage her whilst also working on her coping skills.

I've got one of mine who hates transitions. Loves doing different activities but the thought of having to get ready to go to them once he has come home from school usually results in a meltdown even though he was chatting in the morning about how excited he is to go.
We try to just keep everything really calm and try to stay completely none reactive (which doesn't always work after a long day at work myself) while he is having a strop about going.

I have found it better if we don't come home first but that isn't always easy to do.

Keep sending her. It’s good for the social aspect and the fitness aspect. I also strongly believe (and many would vehemently disagree with me) that making an anxious child do an activity that their anxiety doesn’t want them to do, gives them a massive life skill- I did this thing I felt anxious about and nothing bad happened. As an anxious child myself, my parents gave me no quarter when it came to reasonable activities. I don’t mean forcing a shy child to take up public speaking or things far from a child’s comfort zone. A structured, reasonably short gymnastics class that she enjoys once she is there- make her go.