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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask boss to back off

29 replies

singlemum28 · 19/10/2022 11:30

l work in a lovely office with good colleagues, we work one or two days in the office. Everyone is kind and friendly. I recently told the team that l am pregnant. I will be doing it alone as the father is not interested and asked me to abort. I was honest with my work colleagues that the relationship had ended so l am going to be a single mum, l did not want to have to explain later. Colleagues know my ex as he used to come to some outings/functions with me. Anyway it was to avoid gossip later on so l thought let me be upfront.
my colleagues have been kind, the older women asking me how l am , one said she will knot a blanket for the baby. My boss however has taken it too far, he is acting like he is the father of the baby. He checks on me
(not work) several times a day, the texts and phone calls are nothing to do with work but how l am or if l need anything.
He has send me flowers and chocolates to the house. He has asked if he can drive me to any appointments, and if l attend any appointment he will want me to tell him everything. He has started talking about
setting up the nursery and hinting at buying things for the baby. He offers to come to my house to paint or do the garden. Honestly its like l am dealing with someone else not my old boss. He send me several pictures of buggies asking if l liked them, l just said they were all lovely. I feel like l am in a relationship (not sexual) without my consent. He
send me articles about motherhood, babies etc.
He has now started to come to the office on the days l am in. If l mention any cravings in the office he will order for example last time l said l had not had pizza in a long time, lo and behold it was ordered. Even the admin staff have commented how invested he is . I know he means well but
l need him to back off a bit. He is a good boss. I do not want to go to HR . I just need tips on getting him disinterested.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 19/10/2022 11:32

That is a bit weird; have you actually talked to him about it though?

BritishDesiGirl · 19/10/2022 11:34

You need to go to HR. That's gone beyond inappropriate now. He has no right to be invading your space and privacy.

Would you allow this is to happen if he wasn't your boss?

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:35

I would take him to one side and say "While you may mean well, I am finding your behaviour overbearing. It is too much and I would rather you didn't."

He likes you OP. Don't let him think there's a chance of a relationship if there isn't one. Warn him off.

girlmom21 · 19/10/2022 11:36

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:35

I would take him to one side and say "While you may mean well, I am finding your behaviour overbearing. It is too much and I would rather you didn't."

He likes you OP. Don't let him think there's a chance of a relationship if there isn't one. Warn him off.

I think this is the best approach

MightyOaks · 19/10/2022 11:37

Yeah he sounds a bit much and is def taking it too far but I think it sounds like it's coming from a good place! At first when you mentioned the flowers & chocolates, I was like "Awwwww!" but yes, he has got a little carried away!
I don't think HR is the route to go with this. That's quite underhanded. Just only respond once every couple of days, regardless of what he says. He'll very soon get the idea without putting his job on the line

crumble82 · 19/10/2022 11:37

I’d speak to him kindly but firmly. Let him know that he’s making you feel uncomfortable. If that doesn’t stop things then go to HR but give him the chance first.

Topseyt123 · 19/10/2022 11:46

It does sound extremely overbearing.

I think I'd make a point of engaging as little as possible. I'd certainly stop all mention of my cravings and just head out myself at lunchtime to satisfy them.

Buggies and baby equipment - I'd say "all OK, but I've already ordered what I need" or that I didn't want to tempt fate and would be getting those once baby is born. You could also say that your family are getting them for you. Same with clothes.

Nursery decoration same again, your family are doing this for you.

Think too about whether you are oversharing with information. For hospital or midwife appointments he obviously does need to know when they are because you need the time off work, but you don't otherwise need to tell him any details. If he wants to know how things went just say "fine thanks" and leave it at that. If he wants to take you then that is going too far and isn't his place. Tell him either that you are going alone or that your parents or another appropriate close family member are going to be with you.

Hopefully he will get the message.

GreenManalishi · 19/10/2022 11:59

Don't respond to any of it unless it's work related. If he texts and calls you out of work hours, at all, ignore. If he asks why you've not been replying, calmly brush it off and say you've had a busy weekend with friends, hopefully he will get the message and if not you may need to be more direct.

He's either got some misguided saviour complex, or he's auditioning for Daddy.

Booklover3 · 19/10/2022 12:12

That is a bit strange. Just tell him you have everything you need and politely close those conversations down.

WireSkills · 19/10/2022 12:28

YANBU OP. If it's coming from a place of genuine concern, you having a conversation with him should get the message across. I'd say something like "I really appreciate your concern, but I am finding your attention rather overwhelming. I have plenty of support outside of work, so can I just let you know if I need something, rather than you checking in all the time?"

If he continues then you'll have no choice but to go to HR.

Original poster

singlemum28 · 19/10/2022 12:30

thanks everyone, l think you're all right l just have to tell him gently. I am very shy as well so l cringe when he is asking me questions about the pregnancy. On fridays he will ask about my weekends and ask if there any works that need sorting out at the house. On sat/sun he will text and say just making sure you're okay. One Sat he was out of his house so he called and there was no actual meaningful conversation He is a man in his 50's . I have never been anything but professional with him. As l said he probably thinks he is helping me but its too much.

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/10/2022 12:35

Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:35

I would take him to one side and say "While you may mean well, I am finding your behaviour overbearing. It is too much and I would rather you didn't."

He likes you OP. Don't let him think there's a chance of a relationship if there isn't one. Warn him off.

Yes this.

Be nice but clear - he’s decided you are his ready made family without your consent, it is an extraordinary thing to do to anyone, never mind an empty.

And if it doesn’t work - straight to HR.

Keep a note of everything in the mean time, it is harassment

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/10/2022 12:36

employee not empty!

Congratulations BTW

Sparkletastic · 19/10/2022 12:39

He's into you. It's not about the baby that's just given him a reason.

Cw112 · 19/10/2022 12:40

Is his name Michael Scott!? He's definitely overstepping here it's like a scene from the office! I think you need to speak to him and say that while you appreciate his support and concern that you're doing really well and have good support around you so you'd appreciate if he treats you the same as he would have before with just the normal allowances any manager needs to make for pregnant staff as detailed in your risk assessment etc and that you'd hate for other staff to feel you were being treated differently to them. Hopefully he will back off at that point but if it's starting to make you uncomfortable you'd also be within your rights to raise it with his line manager, however I would speak to him first. Are you the first person he's managed who's pregnant? Or has he ever made you feel uncomfortable in the past?

PAFMO · 19/10/2022 12:40

Could be anything or nothing, from your OP you all obviously share lots of stuff that maybe in a less close knit environment wouldn't be common knowledge so he thinks he's being kind, but....in all honesty sounds like he's either got plans to move in on you or act like your dad or something so he does need telling. Whether that's a) thanks but I don't need this much help b) fuck off you creep or sth in between only you can really say which it needs to be.

Topseyt123 · 19/10/2022 12:41

singlemum28 · 19/10/2022 12:30

OK, then I do think you need to shut this down more firmly.

He has no reason to phone you when you are at home. That is intrusive and is very much overstepping into inappropriateness. Don't answer. If he persists then tell him to stop or you will go to HR as necessary.

Same if he comes round to your house. That is not necessary. Tell him that although he may mean well, it is making you uncomfortable and that again, if he persists you will have to go to HR.

Say that you just want to be left in peace to rest and enjoy your pregnancy. Say that your family are looking after you as necessary and there is no need for anything else.

He's beginning to sound like a pest, whether intentionally or not.

Topseyt123 · 19/10/2022 12:43

Don't answer texts at the weekend either. They are just as intrusive and inappropriate.

sandytooth · 19/10/2022 12:44

Be firm. If it carries on you will have to go to HR

SurpriseSurprise · 19/10/2022 12:50

He might feel he’s being helpful. Don’t completely write him off because he might turn out to be useful at times. Stop mentioning things to him and don’t reply at weekends, but there’s no need to be rude to him

Bigfishlittlefishcardboardfox · 19/10/2022 12:51

Is he older than you? I could imagine my dad doing something similar without realising it was too much. He also would be meaning well (but a bit paternalistic).

Id have a chat with him and explain that whilst you m appreciate the support, you don’t expect him to do things like order pizza and it makes you feel bad as you just want to be treated kindly and fairly like the other staff.

If he ignores your boundaries, then fair enough take it further. But personally I wouldn’t assume bad intentions.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/10/2022 12:52

Yeah that would freak me out a bit too. As a boss asking for information about your medical appointments is really not on either. Is her married? (I ask this as you mentioned he called you when he was "out of the house"

I would say something to him before reporting him to HR but take note of the date you do and what was said just in case

pinkpotatoez · 19/10/2022 13:40

Bless him the creep😂 I bet he doesn't realise the boundary has been crossed and he's just trying to be helpful. Definitely let him know he's crossing the line though

Original poster

singlemum28 · 19/10/2022 14:57

thanks everyone, l will definitely find a polite way to say unfortunately it doesn't come naturally to me so l will probably go round and round before l say it. I have tried not replying his messages but then he will ring and say l was worried, even though he can see l am working via reports or emails. Most times l just add a thank you emoji without saying anything. I didn't think l was oversharing, l wanted to avoid gossip and embarrassment that's why l was upfront to say telling them we had broken up. Only other time is when in the office when other colleagues ask how l am , l usually just say l'm doing alright etc, never said anything more. I keep the conversation neutral. My boss tried to ask why we broke up but l just said it was not working nothing else. I think he is misguided , his actions come from a good place but its overwhelming.

OP posts:

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 19/10/2022 15:00

Hes trying to turn you into his wifey. 😂 Bless him, bit creepy the way he's going about it though.

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