To just feel like giving up

[struggling78]

I’m 25 and I feel completely lost.

In June I was so happy, I lived with one of my best friends in a lovely rented flat. The tenancy ended and by this point she always had her partner round, which was annoying. And my boyfriend asked me to move in with his family, so we could save for a house.

So I moved in. I was delighted, until 10 days later he decided to tell me he hadn’t been happy for months, and packed up my things. I had no choice but to move in with my parents.

Believe me, I am SO grateful I had that as an option. But it just doesn’t feel like home. I’ve been back since June and barely unpacked. Plus whilst I am lucky, my parents really don’t get on and it’s not the most amazing environment in the world. Plus my room is tiny and I don’t even care enough to clean it.

Now I’m actively looking to move out, but it’s just impossible. I can’t afford to move out alone, I’d be looking at least £1k a month, which I can afford but I’d have next to no disposable income. None of my friends are in a position to move out, and I’ve put adverts on spareroom and Facebook and no one is responding. I am so so stuck on what to do. I can’t find a flatmate for the life of me.

I just feel so down, lost and like a failure. I feel completely stuck and I don’t know what to do next.

I’m also in a really good job career-wise, but it’s unsociable. I work in private healthcare with one female boss, and she’s not in every day. So I just see clients all day mainly. I get so jealous of friends in sociable offices (and can wfh!) but it’s a fairly new job with great prospects and I wouldn’t want to give it up.

I just find I’m spending most days crying. Does anyone have any advice about the living situation!?

Things will get better for you. Maybe a change of location might help. I'm guessing your around London with the extortionate rental prices 😬 up north you can get a full house for half the price. Would this be possible job wise or maybe commute?

I’d focus hard on saving as much money as you can, so that you will be in a good position in a year or so, and doing some basic mood-boosting activities like regular exercise (maybe like a group boot camp type thing where you can meet people, or Parkrun), tidying up your room, self-care, scheduling in time with your friends and maybe starting a new hobby or planning a trip somewhere. I feel for you - 20’s are a hard time with lots of big life changes often. But you will get through it and you are in a great position to save, with a good job. Focus on boosting your mood and if it’s all too much speak to your gp.

Thank you both so much! Sadly I don’t think I could move far from my job plus all my friends are here so I fear I’d feel even more isolated :(

And thank you @Snowpaw I think I definitely need a hobby. I think as well though a lot of my happiness would come from moving out which sounds awful, but I love my own space and my family’s house is so cluttered too, so I feel it’d improve hugely once I’m out but it seems impossible!

It can be hard during your 20s when you are trying to get established financially. I was on track with a career plan but at 25 I still went overdrawn every month, had zero savings and definitely couldn’t afford to rent my own place.

It wasn’t easy finding a flat share, but I kept on answering the ads (have you tried this as you only mention placing some)? Something came up in the end via people I knew, make sure everyone knows you are looking, you might find a friend of a friend that is looking for a share too.

Things get better, keep plugging away and you will get there.

Thank you 🤍

Are none of your friends looking for a place to live?

Can you extend your search for a shared flat wider, say up to an hour away so you can still meet your friends/family?

Do you drive?

It’s really hard when you are in the weeds, but it sounds like your career is progressing well, you got out of a deadbeat relationship rather than wasting time.. so basically you are on track, it’s just very stretched financially and you are lonely and also post breakup.

Living at home sounds like it will drive you crackers. Are you answering ads for rooms to rent? It’s far easier to find something like that than advertise for flatmates, which is going to be nearly impossible. You could also look for housesitting jobs - there’s a funny agency where you housesit properties in danger of squatting and another than lodges younger people with older people - but really a flatshare is probably best.

Focus on moving out as a first job, think hard about what you want so you don’t have to move for a bit - a decent flat, decent sized room, professional flatmates, good transport links, and a bit of life locally so you don’t have to go into the city centre for every bit of entertainment.

You have to plan your social life more when you’re single, so book up meet up friends in advance.. aim to have a rough idea of what you are doing for the next 4 to 6 weeks so you have things to look forward to and you aren’t staring at empty weekends.

Think about something that would interest you to do - like yoga or joining a running club or a crafting club and do that. Your interest in learning the skill will sustain you as you make new friends.

Get into the habit of inviting people over for Sunday lunch or Thursday dinner. Make sure there’s space in your flatshare for that. Then you can gradually invite the new friends you meet.

Plan some weekends away, a cheap holiday, a couple gigs.. so there is stuff on the diary over the next 6 to 9 months.

Take yourself on adventures alone too - a museum, a corner of your city you haven’t been to.

Give yourself time. You are very young, life takes time to come together. Be careful not to rush into things - it’s a bit alarming you were thinking about buying with your boyfriend when you hadn’t lived with him. The point of life is life, so you want to enjoy the journey rather than obsess about hitting milestones, especially at your age.

Good luck - healthcare is a great growth area and I’m sure it will all come good.

@struggling78

I feel for you. I could of written this post in my early 20s too. Very similar. I’m not saying life has been roses since but I am so glad to have my own home & space now. There are no quick fixes but you’ve been given some great advice, it will change op, it won’t be forever. I think my early 20s were the most miserable years for me. It will shape you, you learn a lot from this dark times like to appreciate the brighter ones. & your ex is an ass wipe. X