To turn down this house

[Writteninsilence]

I’m in a woman’s refuge, I’m currently classed as homeless. I’ve been here for 10 months now.
i went to view a housing association flat that I have been offered.

i originally put that I did not want a flat on my applications but due to me being homeless they said I wasn’t allowed to do that and there isn’t really 3 bedrooms in tenanent buildings anyway so it wouldn’t be that kind of flat I didn’t argue back and really wish I did now.

I eventually came to terms with the fact I could potentially still get a flat…I mean they’re usually sturdy and have some sort of shared garden right…
this tenanent flat is first floor, meaning I’m sandwiched between two people, which would be fine…however….these flats are in no way shape or form soundproof, literally hear full blown conversations from the neighbours, which will cause a massive issue, my daughter (9) suffers from ptsd and is on the waiting list to be tested for autism or adhd, this means she is noisy, has frequent meltdowns, she shouts and screams in her sleep due to night terrors.

The housing officer has said that keeping the kids quiet is my responsibility….but She’s a child with potential disabilities so it’s also not something I can help.

There is a big massive concrete garden at the back of the flats, all enclosed but get this…I’m not allowed to put anything in there, no garden chairs and tables, no kids toys, bikes nothing! It’s to sit bare. Very strange rules, why have a “garden” if we’re not allowed to make the most of it.

If I turn down the property my homeless status gets suspended, if that status gets suspended, I have to leave the refuge and will have nowhere to go. I can appeal it if I have reasonable grounds to reject the property.
I think with my daughters potential diagnosis I may have grounds to appeal, however I’m not sure if it’s a risk I’m willing to take.

risk potentially being on the streets with 2 children if the appeal doesn’t go through, or take a flat that live the next 10+ years walking on eggshells, trying to keep a traumatised disabled child quiet…

i left the anxiety and walking on eggshells kinda life when I came into refuge, now I’m gonna be thrown back in

That's a dilemma but in your shoes I would go ahead and accept the housing offer.

As a positive, middle-floor apartments are often well-insulated which may be a bonus in the current crisis.

Walking on eggshells because of upset neighbours is different than walking on eggshells because of an abusive partner.

My nan had a flat with a "nothing in the garden" rule. The only thing permitted was a permanent rotary washing line. The rule was to stop people leaving clutter everywhere or claiming sections as "theirs". All the tenants had fold up chairs and I would often play in the garden. I seem to recall my nan may even have had access to a little outdoor cupboard or storage shed. All the tenants had window boxes and my nan grew flowers in pots just outside her front door.

Don't be too down-hearted. Go on the charm offensive with neighbours when you move in and you may be very happy you made the move. As you point out - you can't stay in the refuge forever and although it seems like a huge and problematic move, it is moving forward.

Where are you from? In my area you can swap social housing properties after living in them a year. So if you don't like it you could try for a swap.

Although it’s far from ideal and I get your concerns wouldn’t having a safe secure home help your daughter more than the current uncertainly? (And you)

you may find that that alone means she is able to calm and start to heal from the PTSD sooner.

Is it an option to move in and then go on a waiting list for an alternative property? Also are you getting 3 bedrooms still?

I most likely won’t get a swap for this property due to it being a flat and a 3 bedroom unless I was downsizing.
what we are currently in is technically a flat of our own, but it is owned by woman’s aid with only other women in our situation in the block so we’re safe and really content here, holding out and waiting for something more suitable wouldn’t really be an issue.

It’s a 10 year waiting list if housed meeting all housing needs

Is it run down, loads of unmanageable stairs, bad wiring? Take photos of anything bad so you can fight that it’s not suitable. It might work.

This! When going for viewing photograph everything faulty or dangerous! If you're absolutely sure that DD will test for autism or adhd as per guidelines/ or can get in depth dr's report for ptsd anxiety needs, then by all means appeal. But if you are unsure if either is accurate then accept as housing is very scarce currently and it might be the best temporary option you get offered. Myself and my ex partner went on the list in 2016 with us both with disabilities, we got offered nearly 2 years after separating this year. I now have a degree and I am buying and he lives near scotland!

if you mean a tenement flat as in a traditional Scottish sandstone tenement, they’re usually pretty soundproofed between floors.

Accept the flat and move in, but first make sure you have documentary evidence that you discussed your DC disability and how this made a flat unsuitable. If the noise issue is as you say then if its a problem for your new neighbours you can prove you did what you could to prevent the issue but were given no choice. If it becomes a serious problem it may amount to enough to trigger a move. You are quite right you can't be expected to magically resolve your DCs symptoms.

School playgrounds are just a concrete rectangle and kids manage to play all sorts of games. That's not an issue.

I can understand your reasons for not wanting it, but I wouldn't risk turning it down on the basis of potential disabilities.

You're living in a refuge. Even if the flat isn't ideal it's got to be better than where you are? There's always compromises to be made on an ideal home and it's rare to tick all the boxes. I would snap it up.

Take it, there’s a massive wait for social housing so unless you can afford private rent you need to take this or you’ll have nowhere to live. A three bed flat is pretty good to be honest.

I would accept it rather than risk the alternative of being homeless

Hi I'm so sorry your going through this . Me and my mother had to go to a refuge to escape my abusive father . I would take the flat . A lot can happen in the future . You might not even be there a year . I don't know if you work but if not get a job and try to save . Even if it's a few pound a week . You could then rent a house to your self and can claim benefits for single parent and also disability allowance if your daughter does get diagnosed. I hope everything works out for you ❤️

I would take the flat, I don't even know if social services would let you be Street homeless with two children. I wonder whether they would put them into foster care whilst you sort things out. Is that something you want to risk?

Whilst it's not ideal you have to be pragmatic, it's better than a refuge, and won't be the same as being in an abusive relationship. You can rebuild your life there and start again.

You "holding out and waiting" might not be an issue for you, but it is an issue for the women and children waiting to come into the refuge.

I'd take the flat and free up the refuge space for others. No, it's perhaps not ideal, but it's safe, big enough, and yours.

Hold out for something else. I’m so glad that the staff in the refuge I was in with my kids were so supportive and realised that housing for when you move out is important to get right. They’d be reading the housing officer the riot act for their attitude regarding your child’s trauma and how she behaves due to that.

I hope you have that level of support. You and your family need and deserve somewhere that you will feel safe and that isn’t going to happen if you and your child’s PTSD is being triggered/your worried it could be at any moment.

YABU you don’t have a choice.

I was in a similar position and it took years to find a permanent home.
I was driving over 100 miles a day to my DCs school and work so I couldn’t even save any money to try and go private.

My friend has been in her temporary accommodation for 3 years now and there is just nothing available.

It is highly unlikely you will ever get a house in this situation and they are often flats like the one you describe.

You can speak to them about your DD but it’s likely you will need to take it and then you can find somewhere else once you are there.

You can check the criteria and see if there is any reason to go back on the waiting list once you are there (closer to support, work etc) but at least you’ll have your own home in the meantime.

Take the flat. Your children will have a home and it will free up space for another family in need.

Other people waiting for a space in the refuge is not the OP’s responsibility. Her family is her responsibility. She needs to do
what’s right for them and their (complex) needs. This isn’t about being picky, this is about finding a home that feels safe after going through a traumatic time. It’s very important.

Btw, I went into a private rent in the end. Is that an option for you instead of council/HA?

call shelter today and get advice?

Thank you everyone, I have accepted the flat 🥳
I don’t sleep well so nighttime is when my mind goes into overdrive.
I think the whole situation is really stressful and I my mind takes me to the negatives sometimes.
really excited now and have been looking at wallpaper and decor!!!!!

Good luck OP! You never know - having a safe place and a space to call her own might really help DD.

Congratulations