Birthday & Anniversaries

[Henrietta75]

Am I being unreasonable here?

I have 3 kids with my DH. I have 4 siblings and 3 of them have partners and 2/3 kids each.

Every year I send my siblings, their partners and their kids Birthday cards and a minimum £10 each unless it’s a milestone which is then double plus sibling’s wedding anniversaries which is £20 and £20 for adult birthdays.
They do the same for us (and that’s just my side). My DH has 3 brothers who all have partners and 2/3 kids each and the same thing applies.
Like everyone else the bills for everyday costs are just crazy and I’m frantically trying to cut back on everything I can.
I spoke to my siblings only and told them from Jan 2023 no more cards and money just a Happy Occasion phone call or text. The time, money and organising is too much now. They all agreed via group chat.
Now I discover they’ve bitched about it to our mother ! WTF !!
Nobody is ‘well off’ out of us - just average earners so to speak and I am the eldest too.
One of them even said she will still send a card on my birthday - I said No !!!!
I then said fine - let’s compromise - how you 4 send each other on occasions is upto you - between me and you individually it’s going to be a text or phone call.

I think you're being unreasonable telling them that they're not allowed to send you a card/present. But you're not unreasonable letting them know you can no longer do that. Gifts are not given to be reciprocated.

Personally I don't do birthdays unless it's a "big" one as I'm just not organised enough. But I do put money aside monthly for the niece and nephews which I'll give them at 18. At Christmas I give the gifts I want regardless of what they give me.

Some of my family can afford expensive gifts, some have time to make thoughtful gifts for me and some have very little time or money but give what they can. All of which is ok by me.

I'd just sent out, as you have, what you are able to do going forward, make it clear that you don't expect anything back and let them do what they want. Let them moan if they want to - they'll get over it.

I’m cutting back on gifts a lot now, and have also been met with some resistance, so I sympathise.

Can you compromise and agree to send cards but no cash. Then no one feels forgotten, but you’re not endlessly swapping cash. If you’re feeling really keen to cut down on workload you could even schedule all the cards to be sent automatically at the right time by the likes of Moonpig.

We only give to the kids, cards and gifts with a budget of £20. We have 9 nieces and nephews,

we send a card to my sis in law as she makes an effort for us but that’s all, no other siblings unless it’s a big birthday where we give a gift and a card.

I think you have to draw the line somewhere,