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AIBU?

To ask how to deal with this situation?!

10 replies

rosyrose777 · 18/10/2022 17:26

I am a single mother to a very small baby. My ex, who is her father, doesn't have specific days to come and see her as he works shifts and his work pattern changes weekly, so he usually calls me at the beginning of the week to let me know which days he has off and what days he would like to come.

My issue is, he insists on coming at 6:30/7pm which coincides with the baby's bath/bed time routine. This means that when he comes, he completely disrupts her routine and I am left with a very unsettled baby. I have told him multiple times that he needs to come in the day time, so that he can spend time with the baby when she's actually awake, but he claims he has "things to do". I tell him not to bother coming and he turns up anyway, ringing my doorbell multiple times until I answer!

He's supposed to be seeing her today and he is yet to turn up. I am planning on not opening the door but not sure if this would be seen as denying him access to his daughter. I just cannot continue to have her routine disrupted and a very upset baby! Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect him to spend the day with his child on his days off instead of coming in the evening?!

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 18/10/2022 17:28

Disconnect your doorbell and ignore him knocking.

Bookaholic73 · 18/10/2022 17:29

Honestly, if the baby is very small, I would change her routine so she can have time with her dad. 30 mins isn’t going to be the end of the world.

rosyrose777 · 18/10/2022 17:32

Bookaholic73 · 18/10/2022 17:29

Honestly, if the baby is very small, I would change her routine so she can have time with her dad. 30 mins isn’t going to be the end of the world.

But how is he supposed to build a bond/relationship with her spending 30 mins a week with her? Surely it would be better if he came and spent the whole day instead of coming at bedtime and completely disrupting everything.

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 18/10/2022 17:38

Of course it would be but he doesn't want to do it to benefit his daughter he wants a rise out of you. Don't do it. Either give him a time and then don't let him him if he calls later. Or be dressed up to go out when he arrives at 7pm and tell him you are going out for an hour.

Isaidnoalready · 18/10/2022 17:41

Why is he coming over at that time? Is he trying to spend time with you?

Diablocircus · 18/10/2022 17:43

Could he do the bedtime routine; bath, milk and story? Would he be able to do this unsupervised so you can have a break (in the house of course)

I see your points entirely, just trying to offer a solution to the present issue.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/10/2022 17:43

If he only comes on his day off, he could quite easily come earlier, spend more time with her and be gone by the time she's ready for bed and bath. He's just doing it to be awkward, and tbh he doesn't actually want a lot of time with her, does he?? He's a lazy, neglectful father. There's no reason at all why you shouldn't call the shots about what time he comes, and if he tries to claim you're denying him access, it really doesn't matter! You're not!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/10/2022 17:45

Keep all of your messages. Keep all of his messages and keep a log of how he behaves.

Dont let him in if he comes at a time that’s unacceptable to you. If he keeps ringing your doorbell after you’ve asked him not to, disconnect it. Call the police if he keeps knocking. If he starts to get nasty don’t let him come any more.

A routine with a small baby is so important to your sanity. If he works shifts he has no reason not to come during the day time when not working.

Lavendersparkles22 · 18/10/2022 17:45

Can he do the bedtime routine instead? When my ex did this, I used to go out to the supermarket or to get petrol etc. If its really not suiting you, give him three other options, in writing and if he declines then that's not your problem.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/10/2022 17:47

Him actually doing the bedtime routine - the way you do it, not some other half arsed way of his choosing - is an idea if you think he’d actually do it properly.

Its those bits of parenting that can establish a real bond - doing bedtimes, feeds and wakings during the night, first thing in the morning when they get up. The bits we find hard, in other words.

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