To think an intervention is needed

[LittleSisterLeavingTown]

I'm hoping Mumsnet wisdom can help me save my baby sister. She is in her late 30s and her long-term partner is an absolute pillock (ignorant, racist, conspiracy theorist, anti Vaxxer… you name it), I used to wonder why she tolerated him but now it's got even worse and she is starting to agree with all his offensive views!

She works from home since the first lockdown so hardly sees anyone but him, and her friends have disappeared one by once since he came on the scene. He is there all the time as he is unemployed, living in her house and is on his phone all day looking up consipiracy theories on the internet and then talking about them.

It's like she is becoming completely brainwashed. I've tried talking to her but she won't hear a word against him and the last time I tried she sent me to Coventry for a month.
We have other siblings but I'm the one that gets on best with her (believe it or not!).

I think it's a classic case of the boiling frog... 10 years ago she was open-minded, independent, beautiful … and had friends! She never would have tolerated someone like him. But gradually he's got under her skin and she's convinced she needs him around.

Has anyone ever done some kind of an "intervention" in this scenario and did it work? Please give me some ideas on what to do.

Her partner may not be who you would choose but you have no right to inflict that upon your sister .
i don’t think you should interfere in other peoples relationships.

Well she's an adult with, I assume, full capacity so not a lot you can do really

Sounds like you’ll alienate your sister if you keep bringing it up, which would be bad because she won’t let you support her if things really go tits up.

If this was my sister i would absolutely intervene. I would try as gentley as possible though and try talking about things other than her relationship. Can you do a fun activity together? Will she not meet you for a coffee out of the house? Or a walk/talk... there is no way if my sister was heading this way i would just let her no matter how old she was and how established the relationship is. Especially if you have seen her change from who she was previously because of her boyfriend. How did she send you to Coventry, does that mean she ended up just not speaking to you for a month?

All you can do is ensure that you keep the lines of communication open, so that you can be there for her when she needs you to be.

Keep everything bright and breezy, because HE will use anything 'negative' you say to 'prove' to her that you don't love her like HE does etc etc

Keep taking her out for coffee/walks etc, anything that gets her out of the house and away from his 'influence', so that she can feel something 'normal' on a regular basis.

If she won't/can't come out, then you go to her for coffee etc. Chat about 'normal' stuff like work/hobbies/birthdays/holidays etc etc and avoid subjects HE thinks are 'conspiracies' etc (And never get drawn into a 'discussion' with him about that kind of subjects either, as he'll use it to drive a wedge between you and your sister once you've left the house.) Just say 'Oh, I really don't know much about that I'm afraid' or 'I've never thought about it like that', and change the subject.

You can maybe help with subtle questions, if the occasion arises e.g She says they had a row, and instead of giving your own 'opinion' about it, maybe just ask things like 'How did that make you feel ?' or 'What do you want ?' or 'Do you feel he listens to you ?' etc to hopefully get her to think about herself and what she wants/needs etc.

It's only when she realises for herself how unhappy she is, that you'll be able to help her, but any 'pushing' from you to leave him etc or 'putting him down', would just end in her cutting contact if she's not ready to face the truth of her situation yet.

Could a tactic be to remind her of who she used to be, rather than criticizing him? If she remembers her old vibrant bubbly self she may realise she misses being her, and question whats happened to get her so far away from that (him!).

I think this is great advice.

You should watch bad sisters for some ideas

‘Baby sister’ ??

Thanks @Naimee87 . It's impossible now to get her to do anything fun although we used to do so. We even went on holiday together once (!) but she can't fly anywhere now as she refuses to have the Covid vaccine. Yes when she sent me to Coventry she basically didn't speak to me for a month. Then a family health crisis happened and we had to communicate in order to resolve it. The sending to Coventry was never mentioned.

She can travel to some places as long as she has a negative PCR. (I am vaccinated btw)

Bad Sisters. Apple TV. 😂

Thanks @oobeedoobee. He definitely tries to drive a wedge between her and family members and completely misrepresents things people say. For example, their dog was jumping up on my mother and Mum told him (very kindly) to "sit" and then I heard Pillock telling my sister "your Mum doesn't want the dog near her".
Things like that happen all the time.

My parents didn't think much of him either and once even asked my sister (words to the effect of) what did she see in him, and she said she felt his good points outweighed the bad. She is very socially awkward and (I think) afraid of being on her own. Since he is a complete slob she has completely et herself go and doesn't wear nice clothes any more or get her hair cut (he even cuts her hair for her). She mentioned getting a hair cut once when I was visiting and he overheard and was very dismissive and mocking about it and said it was a waste of money so she didn't do it.

His behaviour just gets more and more extreme as the years go by — hence my boiling frog comparison. I think the more time goes on the more brainwashed she is getting. She used to just laugh at or ignore all the conspiracy theory crap and now she has started telling me about the latest conspiracy when we speak!

Ah, yes, that's kind of a joke/leftover from when we were kids, as I am 12 years older than her. I realise it probably sounds strange now.

Thanks Season. She wouldn't take a test either, or wear a mask. (As I write these things down I'm starting to think I left this for way too long.)

Thanks that sounds promising. 👹

Yes that's a good suggestion thanks. I have tried this in the past, for example I found an old photo of her (formely beautiful) self and said "Oh, you should get your hair cut like this again; it really suits you" and then she showed Pillock the picture and he said "You look like an ugly lesbian" (it was a short haircut) and that was the end of that. But perhaps if I do this more often it will have some effect.