To move away

[LondonDilemmas]

I am having a real dilemma here and need some guidance. I am shamelessly posting in AIBU because I need the traffic.

DH and I, with our one year old, live in London. I am from London and London is very much my home. So the issues that people complain about re London don’t bother me. I especially love the diversity of London whilst helps me, a person of colour, to feel at home.

We live on one end of London and my parents are on the other end. We are looking to buy a house and have found one in a village out in the Home Counties. DH isn’t from London and the only reason he is in England altogether is because of me. If he had his way, he would be back in Ireland.

My mum is a huge support for childcare. She watches DS once a week and also whenever we have anything on, either work or social wise, that means we need her. She also looks after him when he’s not well and can’t go to nursery, which is currently around one week a month. We mostly go to her, but having the option of my mum jumping on the tube to come to us when we need her is helpful.

Currently, it is 1-1.5 hours drive to my parents from where we live depending on traffic, and around 1h15 on public transport. The house we are considering is out on the other side of London, so in the Home Counties, towards my parents. The issue we face is my mum doesn’t drive. So if we move, it will be 30 mins drive to my parents, but nearly 2 hours on public transport because there isn’t a direct link.

We will still drive every week but I’m worried about losing such an important childcare support network by making it nearly impossible for my mum to come to us when the moments we need her for nursery pick up, etc. We also hope to have a second and I worry that having two young children without our support network being able to get to us easily will make life very difficult. I envisage my mum helping with wrap around care as DS gets older (she wants to, not because I expect her to) and that won’t be an option if she has a 2 hour journey to us.

However, DH really really doesn’t want to be in London. He hates it. I don’t want to leave myself but my compromise of us not moving to Ireland is to leave London and live somewhere quieter. The village we found is his ideal place to live, and whilst I’m anxious about being the only non-white person in the village and how that will impact DS too.

I should add that the house we found is beautiful and is our dream home. Despite our decent budget, we wouldn’t be able to afford something like that anywhere else that is a nice place to live and good commute into London. The reason we can afford it is because it’s a doer upper.

What would you do in my shoes?

YABU - move to a small village and lose a big part of your support network but it would make DH happy

YANBU - find a house in a part of the Home Counties that is an easier commute for family, but unlikely to find a similar house.

Anyone?

I can understand your concerns but I think you really need to prioritise what is right for your dh here. So for me the decision would be this house or a less good house in a different location.

I say this as a white woman so won't pretend to understand the impact of being somewhere less culturally diverse as a person of colour...

I think the compromise would be to find somewhere leafy enough, but with the right transport links. What I did when I was looking for somewhere commutable is put the fixed point (your parents) on the map, then use TFL/National Rail to figure out where was a sensible commuting time (I went up to 45 mins, but might be less).

Because your only alternative is Taxis and that would be crazy.

Having support from your parents with kids is priceless - literally it makes the difference between the two of you being able to continue your jobs and progress your careers and one of you (let me guess who) having to step back. I've been the woman having to take that step back because I was too far away for family help, and it's a recipe for resentment.

no I wouldn’t move can’t you find something else in a more convenient location better transport links (maybe not your dream house)

having childcare / help is invaluable

i have none and it’s hard

we will move back to Ireland soon to be close to my mum as my daughter gets bigger I could really use some help / send her for sleep overs, have the odd night out / weekend to ourselves, someone to help mind her when she’s sick etc etc

Thank you for the input, I appreciate it.

DH’s response is that we will simply drive back and forth, as it’s only half an hour each way. Which will be fine most of the time but there will no doubt be times we need my mum to come to us.

It sounds like you need to find a middle ground compromise to be honest OP. Doesn’t have to be village or city. I’d say back to the drawing board.

Taxis. I don't drive & public transport is rubbish. As long as it's not every day, it's doable, for me, anyway.

(Having said that, I'd LOVE to try Ireland!)

Your compromise solution sounds like the best.
A house is only bricks and mortar. It's the people and what you do in it that make it your dream house.

It sounds like you're close to your mum and moving somewhere that is hard for her to get to is not the best option. All very well your DH saying you can always drive to hers, but as your child gets older they will have their own friends and their own activities and interests and suddenly "going to see Grandma" will be one more thing to be slotted in.

I also think being the only non-white family in the area may be hard. I'd want to live somewhere more diverse.

Can you not move to one of the suburb areas of London that are a bit quieter but not so far out that you're off the public transport links?

Would that be a compromise?

I guess are you prepared to pay for taxis should driving to collect your mum not be an option? If you are then that seems the logical solution, if you're not then you need to reassess and look at somewhere else with better transport links.

So it the new village is a 45 minute easier drive, but 45 more on public transport? Doesn't seem like a huge deal really.

Is the issue that you'll be the only non-white person? If so, spend a bit more time there, in the pub etc and see. Our village in the home counties is fairly white, but there are plenty of people of colour too, especially moved in during the last couple of years.

Could you move out to the end of a tube line? The Elizabeth Line goes all the way to Reading. Start from your parent's house and work your way along a tube or rail line.
Several members of my family live right at the end of a tube line, in lovely countryside. Property prices are much cheaper than average London prices, but it is still very convenient. I don't know how old your parents are, but they will get free travel at 60 on LT.

30 mins by road is nothing… for pre planned childcare you can pick/drop off Mum. For short notice stuff, you could always pay for a taxi for her and drop her back afterwards?

So parents are already at the very end of the tube line. They’re in a London suburb. So we’ve focused our property search on the county that starts at the end of their area. Unfortunately this house is on the other end of the county rather than it being a straight progression out.

We would have no issue paying for taxis for my mum to come back and forth. I guess that’s an option tbh.

I am very close to my mum and she’s been a great support for me, and I just fear we will be isolating ourselves by moving somewhere that would be very tricky for her to get to.

Consider if there is any possibility they can back track to another line or do a bus/overground combination.
There will be other houses though. Location is everything in the long term.