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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to let go of feeling left out?

9 replies

gonewithtthewind · 18/10/2022 08:06

Wasn't really sure where to post this so I just thought I'd post here. I have posted on the subject before.

I'm expecting my first child, I know this can amplify my emotions and it probably is doing so.

I'm the youngest sibling, I have one older sister and a few half siblings.

My older sister (my only full sister) has always been treated very differently to me, it's clear to everyone just not my parents. I've felt completely alone my whole life and like I was never included.

My sister has one child who is almost 4, when my sister was pregnant with her child my parents bought her a tv, a pram, so so many things. I've been 'promised' many things from them during my pregnancy but I've always been let down and haven't actually been bought anything for the baby, I've got everything myself. And while I know this may sound spoilt and like I am expecting things, this isn't true. I just want my child to be treated the same. They moan about having no money but can book trips away, they buy my sisters child something new (and mostly expensive) every single week without fail. I look after their pets when they go on these holidays and I never got a thank you or anything in return.

I want to make it clear that the last thing I want is a materialistic object. I just want them to be there and want to be involved with my child, which I know is probably silly and me just being wishful. I'm finding myself being completely heartbroken by everything they do, everything just feels like a dig. I feel so alone, more alone than I've ever felt and reality is kicking in that when this baby is here I'm doing this alone with no support. I have my partner but he has to go back to work and then what? I'm heartbroken about how differently my child is already being treated, I want to do everything I can to protect them from feeling how I have once felt. But I just don't know how you break away from that when you don't have anyone else. Trust me I'll do anything I can to protect my child but it's so hard seeing how they're treated already when they aren't even here yet.

I feel like I mean nothing to them, I feel like I was never actually wanted I was just an inconvenience. You always want your parents to be there for you and as much as they claim to be they really aren't, but there is no arguing or reasoning with them about these things. If I do try to bring it up they tell me it's all in my head and that we're treated the same way, they claim to be perfect parents that never do any wrong and I never say a bad word about them but when is enough enough? There is only so much more I can take and so much more I can cope with but I feel trapped at the same time and like I can't escape!

Maybe I just needed to rant, there is so much more to the story but this post would be never ending. I don't know if anyone can offer any advice

OP posts:
MatildaMonroe · 18/10/2022 08:15

You rant away , it's shit
My advice would be walk away and detach yourself, it won't change
Congratulations on your pregnancy though

Wheelyweddingwipedout · 18/10/2022 08:16

Oh you poor thing, please please consider finding a therapist to help you work through these painful emotions and helping you to find strategies to protect yourself going forward.

Please also speak to your midwife. If you can, just print out or write out your post exactly as you have written it here and give it to her/him without having to speak. Let them read it and then let them help you.

BACP find a therapist

Obki · 18/10/2022 08:17

I agree with Matilda. Stop looking after their pets, use pregnancy as the reason.

And start building yourself up so you’re less reliant on them emotionally. It’s their loss.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Flowers

bloodywhitecat · 18/10/2022 08:19

In my experience one day it just becomes too much and you will find the strength to go low, or no, contact but until then it continues to hurt. Lots of us know how you feel though I know that doesn't make it any better Flowers

Pinkdelight3 · 18/10/2022 08:19

Sorry, but I think I remember your last thread and recall it wasn't quite so clear-cut, plus you had lots of advice there, so feels a bit like you've reframed it here. Rant away by all means, but agree it's probably healthier to get offline support to work it through in more depth.

gonewithtthewind · 18/10/2022 08:25

Pinkdelight3 · 18/10/2022 08:19

Sorry, but I think I remember your last thread and recall it wasn't quite so clear-cut, plus you had lots of advice there, so feels a bit like you've reframed it here. Rant away by all means, but agree it's probably healthier to get offline support to work it through in more depth.

Probably. I don't have anyone else or anywhere else to post how I feel. Nor do I have anywhere to get support from, I wish it was as simple as just finding offline support

OP posts:
paisley256 · 18/10/2022 08:29

I echo what others have said and try and emotionally detach.

I've had to watch the house deposits and weddings my siblings got and it hurts but I'm used to it now and have learned not to allow them into my world. I keep them all on the side lines where they're happy to be too.

They change the narrative to everyone else ofcourse and talk about me like we're all close but we're just not.

Therapy has been brilliant at helping me work through the hurt.

mamabear715 · 18/10/2022 09:12

I'm so sorry, @gonewithtthewind
I just cannot imagine treating children so differently. I hope you can find peace, & enjoy your baby. Hugs. x

Dacquoise · 18/10/2022 09:44

Pinkdelight3 · 18/10/2022 08:19

Sorry, but I think I remember your last thread and recall it wasn't quite so clear-cut, plus you had lots of advice there, so feels a bit like you've reframed it here. Rant away by all means, but agree it's probably healthier to get offline support to work it through in more depth.

I agree therapy is your friend here. You are getting more resentful about a situation you have little control over and need to drop the rope. Your parents, for whatever reason, are unlikely to suddenly realise that they have always treated you differently to your sibling and rectify it.

Dysfunctional families create set roles for each member which are pretty much for life. Have a read up on this, lots of info online. Does lost child ring a bell? Mine was the family scapegoat. Didn't matter what I did or didn't do, I was always the 'bad' one. Wasted a lot of years trying to win approval by people pleasing.

After a lot of therapy I am now completely NC with my whole family for the sake of my sanity. It was very hard but I now a different person, calm, authentically happy and away from toxic people who dump their crap on me. I recommend it.

If you don't detach from this you will drive yourself mad by constantly noticing and feeling slighted by people who obviously don't care and are gaslighting you. They're not able to consider your feelings. Find people who do care.

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