Is this normal ?

chocolateandtea123 · 2022-10-17T19:54:18+00:00

Hi everyone. So I'm 20 weeks pregnant. This baby was planned and wanted for so long. I have another child from a previous relationship who's 9, she was very much unplanned and her dad didn't want her from the start. During the pregnancy, from the start I felt so attached towards her but this time I feel so different. I've seen the baby on the scan a couple of times and I don't feel anything at all. My partner is so attached already and it feels a bit overwhelming. I don't know why I feel nothing about a child I've wanted for so long. Im so worried my baby is going to be born and im not going to have any attachment towards them. Is this normal ? Has anyone been through this? Or do I need to speak to someone. Im genuinely questioning my sanity.

ParentallyUnprepared · 17/10/2022 20:57

I didn't feel attached to either of my children before they were born.

Please try not to worry. It's probably more common than you think but we're made to feel like it's wrong so we don't admit it.

It'll change once the baby is here.

TokenGinger · 17/10/2022 22:00

I feel the same, OP. I'm 27 weeks now and I'm beginning to talk about when she is here, as if it is now a reality, but it's taken a while to get my head around that.

I think part of it for me is that, with DS, I had no idea what to expect. I had all of the time in the world to sit and think about what it would be like to be a mum and what we'd do together etc. Now, my days are full with work, picking DS up from nursery, making tea, bath, bedtime. I barely get time to sit and think about the baby. And I know exactly what to expect, and it isn't a bed of roses. DS was a tough baby so I'm not plagued with the romanticised thoughts of a baby on a four-hourly sleep schedule and how I'd fit in my morning workouts during their nap etc like I was last time.

I know how incredible it'll be, but I also know it'll be harder juggling two.

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see her and to have her here with us and I don't regret the pregnancy for one second (if my post comes across that way), but I'm not as "excited" as I was with DS, because I have a very real view now of what it entails - both the good and the hard times.

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 22:07

What are you doing to build attachment to your unborn baby? I found taking some time at night before bed to do bump massage, play them music and speak to them really helped me but I also found that when I could feel them kicking that really helped because it felt like there was an actual interaction there. My DH found the idea of talking to bump hard so now he reads to bump each night and that's really helped him to bond. So I think don't worry and put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way but maybe start thinking of little ways you can interact with baby. I also have an app that tells me what's changing with baby's development each week and I liked that because then I knew when they'd actually hear music I played or when they could see the light on my phone etc. But feeling kicks was the big thing for me and I felt that about 23 weeks.

Frazzledmummy123 · 17/10/2022 22:47

Maybe it isbecause this isn't your first time experiencing pregnancy and the 'buzz' isn't there because you've been through it before?

If you are really worried speak to your midwife as I am sure they'll have heard these concerns before. I think you are going to be fine though, and just feeling overwhelmed. Good luck 💐

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 17/10/2022 22:58

Yes I had this, I asked about it as well and it seems that it is indeed pretty normal.

Id say, as long as you're not having other issues like anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts then don't worry about it too much.

When the baby comes if the bonding takes longer, talk to your MW or HV.

Original poster

chocolateandtea123 · 18/10/2022 00:41

TokenGinger · 17/10/2022 22:00

I feel the same, OP. I'm 27 weeks now and I'm beginning to talk about when she is here, as if it is now a reality, but it's taken a while to get my head around that.

I think part of it for me is that, with DS, I had no idea what to expect. I had all of the time in the world to sit and think about what it would be like to be a mum and what we'd do together etc. Now, my days are full with work, picking DS up from nursery, making tea, bath, bedtime. I barely get time to sit and think about the baby. And I know exactly what to expect, and it isn't a bed of roses. DS was a tough baby so I'm not plagued with the romanticised thoughts of a baby on a four-hourly sleep schedule and how I'd fit in my morning workouts during their nap etc like I was last time.

I know how incredible it'll be, but I also know it'll be harder juggling two.

Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see her and to have her here with us and I don't regret the pregnancy for one second (if my post comes across that way), but I'm not as "excited" as I was with DS, because I have a very real view now of what it entails - both the good and the hard times.

Wow this definitely sums up how I feel. It's good to know that other mums are feeling like this too. I was really worried. I'm not regretful either but I feel like I have to force myself to be excited.

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolateandtea123 · 18/10/2022 00:43

Frazzledmummy123 · 17/10/2022 22:47

Maybe it isbecause this isn't your first time experiencing pregnancy and the 'buzz' isn't there because you've been through it before?

If you are really worried speak to your midwife as I am sure they'll have heard these concerns before. I think you are going to be fine though, and just feeling overwhelmed. Good luck 💐

I think it could be that. First time around it was like the joy of the unknown. Now I know what to expect. So it just feels more normal I guess ?

OP posts:

Original poster

chocolateandtea123 · 18/10/2022 00:45

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 22:07

What are you doing to build attachment to your unborn baby? I found taking some time at night before bed to do bump massage, play them music and speak to them really helped me but I also found that when I could feel them kicking that really helped because it felt like there was an actual interaction there. My DH found the idea of talking to bump hard so now he reads to bump each night and that's really helped him to bond. So I think don't worry and put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way but maybe start thinking of little ways you can interact with baby. I also have an app that tells me what's changing with baby's development each week and I liked that because then I knew when they'd actually hear music I played or when they could see the light on my phone etc. But feeling kicks was the big thing for me and I felt that about 23 weeks.

I haven't done anything so far. With my daughter, I read books and played music to the bump. But I almost feel ridiculous doing that now. I'm feeling kicks already and I don't feel anymore attached

OP posts:

DeepDown12 · 18/10/2022 04:55

I struggled to bond with DD when I was pregnant but in my case it was due to multiple MMCs in the past. I didn't enjoy pregnancy and I think I didn't bond with her until late pregnancy because I was shielding myself from another devastating loss. What helped was my DH reading a story to the bump every night after my 20w scan. We went together to pick a book for her and while it felt silly and unreal the first time he did it - over the days I got used to it and started thinking more about her in real terms than about the possibility of loss.

lovelilies · 18/10/2022 05:39

I know no one would ever say it IRL but for me, I feel like I loved DC1 more than the other 2. Like she was my absolute centre of the universe, I adored her completely.
DC 2&3 while I absolutely love them to pieces and enjoy them a lot, and DC1 pisses me off too! But especially as a baby, it was just me and her in our lovely bubble and that's something I didn't get with the other DC as there were more things needing my attention!

Original poster

chocolateandtea123 · 18/10/2022 08:15

lovelilies · 18/10/2022 05:39

I know no one would ever say it IRL but for me, I feel like I loved DC1 more than the other 2. Like she was my absolute centre of the universe, I adored her completely.
DC 2&3 while I absolutely love them to pieces and enjoy them a lot, and DC1 pisses me off too! But especially as a baby, it was just me and her in our lovely bubble and that's something I didn't get with the other DC as there were more things needing my attention!

Funny enough, my mum said the same thing to me. She would never utter a word to my brother but she did say the love you have for your first child is a bit different. It did scare me though

OP posts: