To want to move before thinking about number two

[TheWhalrus]

So firstly, I should mention i'm a man (and a father of a nearly 3-year old), I come on here because there is basically no male equivalent and this is probably the best place I can think of.

We live in Germany (i'm British, she's German) and we had our first baby in January 2020. TBH i'm probably not a natural parent and some parts of the past few years haven't been great. The pandemic hasn't helped in this regard, and now we both feel quite tired most of the time. I'm not saying its all been terrible, but I often feel like i'm struggling.

DW is considering a second baby, or at least has said she wants a second baby on the very rare occasions we discuss this. In our current circumstances I think I would find this a bit too much, but i've told her if we can change our current circumstances a bit then I might be more interested.

Basically what i'm suggesting is we move from our current city to the somewhat smaller (but still large-ish) city 200km away near to DW's family. GF's mum loves spending time with DD and is about to retire and has already said she'd like to see more of DD. We both also really like this city, DW used to live there for several years, she only moved for my work and the plan always was to return there one day. This would mean we could get: a. More help with childcare, which I think we'd need as we both work fulltime and are quite keen on our jobs, and b. A bigger flat, or even a house, which we would need as our 2-bedroom flat would be too small for four people. Work isn't really a problem. DW is a doctor and has plenty of options, I could keep my current job in which I WFH 4 days per week anyway, although i'm also applying for jobs in the new city.

The problem is, every time I try and talk about this, DW isn't keen. And she won't say why. The last time we talked about this, she said 'next summer' and now we're starting to make holiday plans and I suggested we book time off for the move, she suddenly didn't want to know. The most I can get our of her is that she doesn't want to move away from the 1-2 other families we are friends with locally, but its not like we're even that close to these people. Plus they're likely to move away within the next few years anyway

Firstly, does what i'm suggesting seem unreasonable here? and secondly, am I missing something else? it's not like i'm really desperate or anything here, but I would like a slightly larger place to live (or maybe to even think about buying a house in the not-too-distant) and would probably prefer the new city to where we are now. I also don't understand DW's conflicting priorities.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Any opinions welcome.

Is it a possibility she doesn’t want a second child but doesn’t want to admit it ? Maybe career is important (she must have worked hard to get to her level of qualification)

She’s obviously happy where she is. Maybe she enjoys her job where she is and doesn’t want to move? Could you move to a larger apartment where you live at the moment?

Sorry, just realized a slight error here. I referred to my partner as DW (but GF in one place), Basically we're not married but lived together before the birth and still do now. I didn't want the additional hassle of explaining our circumstances as it would only make the thread longer...we're essentially married in all but name, but don't see the point in doing this.

Maybe take the time pressure out of it, you seem to have decided you guys are moving (looking for jobs, trying to book leave for a move) to have the second baby where she sounds non committal about all of it. Honestly if I were your wife I’d feel strong armed into a move I haven’t actually explicitly agreed to.

@Rinatinabina thanks for your comment. We always were moving at some unspecified point. The thing is, one time i turned around and said 'OK perhaps we should just stay where we are then' this also didn't get a positive response. I personally don't mind staying in the same city, but I would need more help if we're having a larger family.

If she really wants another baby, then it's clear from what you've said that you will need a bigger place to live. It would also be nice if MIL was on hand to help out, with both the child you have now, and another one should you decide to have one. Has your wife actually discussed this possibility with her mother, if not, before you think about moving closer, I'd suggest that she does, as you should NEVER assume that just because she enjoys spending time with your child now, that she would be prepared to take on a lot of child minding duties. I think you need to sit down with your wife and talk this through, pointing out that if she's serious about another baby, then you're not prepared to go ahead in your present accommodation/area. However, if she's not really seriously thinking about it, then you should also tell her that you would prefer to live in the other area anyway, pointing out that the friends she's reluctant to move away from, may well move away anyway. This does seem a strange reason for her not wanting to move, particularly as you've said that you're not that close to them. Is it possible that she may be having an affair with one of them, or possibly someone else, and that's why she's reluctant to move away? I don't like putting ideas in your head, but it is a possibility I'm afraid.

The most important thing to do though is sit down and really talk things out. We've been happily married for over 20 years, and together for 30, and the reason for this, I firmly believe, is that we regularly talk about what we want from life.

The other thing is that my DD sounds about the same age as yours and I still feel really bloody tired (still a terrible sleeper). I struggled to make decisions about booking a holiday, DH ended up doing everything. Nothing wrong with this obviously but usually I like to pick the hotel have a discussion about the destination etc, I had to ask what the dates were this morning because I’m so tired I wasn’t listening properly when he told me what he had booked.

Is she normally quite decisive? I usually am but I seem to have low level parental burnout atm which is impeding my decision making.

Obviously something is bothering her. Can you sit her down and just say “look whatever you say is fine, if you want another or don’t, you want to move or don’t, you want to do those things but just not right now, it’s all fine, I just want to make sure I’m on the right track here” . For some reason she’s not sharing something with you and she sounds conflicted,

@Rinatinabina I think this response is probably the closest to the truth - we're both pretty burned out ATM. I tried talking again last night in a very open-ended way. Not much progress there i'm afraid.