Teenager - I need some help please.

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 2022-10-17T17:21:07+00:00

I'm struggling to get on with my eldest child to the point that I don't really like her and what she stands for any more. She's 17. It's very difficult because she's a good lass. She's got good results and generally behaves herself. She is polite and amiable to others. The problem comes with me and her siblings. At home she is sullen, negative, critical and argumentative. She constantly puts me and them down. Her tone is negative and critical and she's constantly causing arguments, though she can NEVER see her role in any of it and always feels picked on and slighted. She is so entitled. She's recently got into labels and is buying lots of second hand designer stuff online. Fine. But then she expects us to pay for expensive trips abroad with school. Expects it like it's her right to go, and our duty to pay. She has a job and likes to treat herself but there's never any thought about others/helping around the house (unless it's her day to do a job and even then she needs asking multiple times). Driving lessons- on her birthday- no thanks for the investment or organising it, no acknowledgement of the support or gift- just criticism about what I do wrong. Nevermind none of her peers have had a lesson yet as their parents didn't organise it. Her view is that money is the biggest driver. She asks why I have 'wasted myself on low paid (highly qualified) public service jobs??' Yuk, yuk, yuk I hate all of this. I can't imagine her friends are impressed by it, either. They don't seem the type. I'm struggling to put in boundaries. I've no idea where to start to unpick this -monster- mess. We had very high expectations when they were all small and drummed into them the value of kindness, honesty and compassion. I feel like someone has stolen my child and replaced her with a stranger. One that, if it were a peer, I would avoid as we'd have so little in common and who in fact I would find difficult to tolerate. I just don't know where to start. The constant negativity and walking on eggshells is so exhausting. I'm thinking it'd be easier to live separately from her. Am I asking too much for a little gratitude or kindness? A little respect or giving back. Maybe I am. Maybe it is just what's expected Please help. I can't see the wood for the trees.

shmiz · 17/10/2022 18:25

www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/4646018-just-a-friendly-hand-hold-for-any-other-mums-of-teens

come over and join us on this thread -

your difficulties sound very similar to what lots of us parents of teens experience !!

Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 18:26

Oh great thank you.

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incognitopurple · 17/10/2022 18:26

Yikes, her behaviour sounds awful.

But honestly, the fact that you see it and you’re not enabling it is massive and means it hopefully won’t continue if you’re not giving in to her every demand. It sounds like she has been really quite rude and hurtful to you, I would remind her not to look down on people and reiterate that you have worked very hard to provide for her and her sibling(s) and that her opinion is unwelcome and has made you feel really quite low, which surprises you as you are sure that isn’t what she intended to do. She might hopefully be very surprised and stop to consider the weight of how she’s been. Have you got anyone ie DP/DH/DM that can say, ‘Mary, I’m a bit worried about your mum. She is upset and feels as if nothing she does is good enough’ or a similar approach. Maybe she needs an outsider from the mother daughter dynamic to open her eyes to the fact she has actually upset you and takes you for granted more than she should. Hugs, it can’t be easy, and I hope for you she grows out of it.

MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2022 18:29

Sounds pretty normal unfortunately. Try to ignore it as much as possible and keep any connection you have going like watching crap shows on tv.

Have some personal boundaries on, for example her demands for trips or unpleasant behaviour around gifts. You don’t have to accept that.

If she was a sweet and lovely person before she should be back before too long.

Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 18:31

MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2022 18:29

Sounds pretty normal unfortunately. Try to ignore it as much as possible and keep any connection you have going like watching crap shows on tv.

Have some personal boundaries on, for example her demands for trips or unpleasant behaviour around gifts. You don’t have to accept that.

If she was a sweet and lovely person before she should be back before too long.

Can they come back once they've changed beyond recognition from their sweet selves and the family values they've been brought up with? I feel like I've lost her to 'the other side' (being the opposite to us!)

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Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 18:33

incognitopurple · 17/10/2022 18:26

Yikes, her behaviour sounds awful.

But honestly, the fact that you see it and you’re not enabling it is massive and means it hopefully won’t continue if you’re not giving in to her every demand. It sounds like she has been really quite rude and hurtful to you, I would remind her not to look down on people and reiterate that you have worked very hard to provide for her and her sibling(s) and that her opinion is unwelcome and has made you feel really quite low, which surprises you as you are sure that isn’t what she intended to do. She might hopefully be very surprised and stop to consider the weight of how she’s been. Have you got anyone ie DP/DH/DM that can say, ‘Mary, I’m a bit worried about your mum. She is upset and feels as if nothing she does is good enough’ or a similar approach. Maybe she needs an outsider from the mother daughter dynamic to open her eyes to the fact she has actually upset you and takes you for granted more than she should. Hugs, it can’t be easy, and I hope for you she grows out of it.

Thank you. I know compared to some this sounds like a walk in the park and generally, as I say, she's hard working and charismatic. But her lack of tolerance of me and her siblings, constant put downs and entitledness is so upsetting and exhausting.

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RedAmber · 17/10/2022 18:34

As others have said. It sounds normal. Teenagers are vile. But they do come out it! Eventually!!

MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2022 18:34

Haha, yes, absolutely. The received wisdom is that they become so awful you won’t care so much when they leave home. I’m not sure that’s true but certainly this really grim selfishness is very very common. I bet she’s sweetness and light outside of home.

Hang on in there. And don’t just tolerate any old shit. If you have a DP make sure you stand together, that helps.

Windtunnel · 17/10/2022 18:51

@MatildaTheCat "The received wisdom is that they become so awful you won’t care so much when they leave home"
Ooh interesting!
Just came by to say I had a horrid teen who is lovely now. She was horrid in different ways to your though (more sex drugs and rock n roll).

Fedupwithmondays · 17/10/2022 18:55

I have a DD 15. She was so lovely, kind, thoughtful. Then the teenager years hit. She is lovely with everyone else but vile to me and my DH. (Her father). Doesn't help I am going through the memopause. Have to really pick my battles at the moment. Gin helps at the weekends. 😀

eskappe · 17/10/2022 18:56

That sounds tough. You can be quite robust about your career choices though and give her a sense that there are no ethical, very well-paid, interesting, 45-hours-a-week jobs sitting around. She'll possibly have to find that out for herself - but yikes, the fantasy thinking.

Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 18:56

MatildaTheCat · 17/10/2022 18:34

Haha, yes, absolutely. The received wisdom is that they become so awful you won’t care so much when they leave home. I’m not sure that’s true but certainly this really grim selfishness is very very common. I bet she’s sweetness and light outside of home.

Hang on in there. And don’t just tolerate any old shit. If you have a DP make sure you stand together, that helps.

I have a DH who she gets on well with. He is stuck in the middle. I've seen some texts to DH that are just blatant lies about me losing my temper and causing a row (when it was her). Absolute lies. I do hold my hands up the fact that I bite and can't let it wash over me as it's so poisonous. I feel like if I do, I'm condoning it. That and I am often aghast at the hypocrisy of her views (and try to help her see it) but to no avail and huge rows erupt.

I literally want to just move out, it's so unpleasant.

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MojoMoon · 17/10/2022 19:01

Why do you thinks she gets on better with your husband?

Is he allowed to be the fun parent and you are the one who has to do all the nagging and organising and sorting things out? Does he leave all emotional stuff to you?

What is her relationship like with her siblings? Are they closer to each other than her?

clopper · 17/10/2022 19:04

My DD was just like this at 17. I loved her but found it hard to like her at that point. She went to uni at 18 and it was like a weight lifted off the house. She lived in halls even though it was a local uni. Anyway she became much nicer at around 24ish and now we get on great as she has two children of her own. I felt very much as you do when she was 17, where has my lovely kind girl gone? I’m adding to this thread to give you hope… but it might be a few years yet. She is just pushing boundaries and asserting her independence.

Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 19:08

MojoMoon · 17/10/2022 19:01

Why do you thinks she gets on better with your husband?

Is he allowed to be the fun parent and you are the one who has to do all the nagging and organising and sorting things out? Does he leave all emotional stuff to you?

What is her relationship like with her siblings? Are they closer to each other than her?

They have a shared interest and do stuff together. I've always taken on the traditional female role and been the parent who is 'always there'. Always. DH has his hobby that she shares an interest in. Yes, being the parent that's 'always there' means the rough with the smooth.

Yes, the other siblings are closer to each other than her. She tries to parent them and put them in their place (put them down).

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Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 19:13

clopper · 17/10/2022 19:04

My DD was just like this at 17. I loved her but found it hard to like her at that point. She went to uni at 18 and it was like a weight lifted off the house. She lived in halls even though it was a local uni. Anyway she became much nicer at around 24ish and now we get on great as she has two children of her own. I felt very much as you do when she was 17, where has my lovely kind girl gone? I’m adding to this thread to give you hope… but it might be a few years yet. She is just pushing boundaries and asserting her independence.

24...!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭

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MojoMoon · 17/10/2022 19:14

Perhaps at some level she is sniping at you because you represent a woman doing lots of undervalued labour at home and at work? And at some level she fears this as her path?

Designer clothes, focus on money etc as a way to rebel against you and your values?

Could your DH talk to her about how her behaviour is impacting on the family? Would she listen?

MacroTwigg · 17/10/2022 19:14

They do come out the other side. In fact you describe a very similar person to me as a 16/17 year old. I'm lucky I have a wonderful relationship with my mum, from in my early 20's and now in my 30's she's my best friend. I also realised to true value of money very quickly after leaving home! There's hope OP!

Tfif133 · 17/10/2022 19:27

I could have written this myself, except my DD treats DH (her father) with as much contempt as she does me - she just plays us off though only ever being pleasant to one of us at a time. She does great in school and gets highly rewarded for her efforts, she point blank refuses to get a job though - the sense of entitlement is unreal. I totally understand the walking on eggshells and the sheer exhaustion of it! I’ve got no advice but so good to read I’m not the only one struggling with it!

WarblingEttie · 17/10/2022 19:27

Teenagers are vile

Most aren't. It's fine to show solidarity with OP but don't tarnish all teens.

PorridgewithQuark · 17/10/2022 19:28

She's rebelling against you - it's pretty much compulsory to reject your parents' values in your teens. It's also standard to be fairly self obsessed because navigating the transition to adulthood is a fairly full on rollercoaster, the hormones are wild and there's huge pressure from multiple sources - academic, social, romantic, family, pressure to decide who you are and where you're going (life wise) and who with. It's an intense pressure cooker time between 15/16 and 18/19 especially.

Expecting gratitude is an absolute hiding to nothing on multiple levels (not least that if it's understood that gratitude is expected/ seen as owed it isn't really gratitude, and the gift or whatever you did for the recipient clearly had strings, so being grateful is complex and sullied by that).

I have a lovely 17 year old daughter too but yes - she expects... She doesn't always get, but she expects. She has to be reminded of reality/ our expectations sometimes (I expect manners not "kindness" as I think the "be kind" movement is really dangerous in terms of telling children and women to ignore their own needs, fears and instincts) and it only takes a word or just a look to prevent rudeness. She actually is kind but not a pushover, and I'm very glad.

Eupraxia · 17/10/2022 19:52

We had very high expectations when they were all small and drummed into them the value of kindness, honesty and compassion

With respect, teaching morals isn't a stand-alone task you do once. It's ongoing and changes as they grow.

its easy to teach these morals to little children. It's much harder to continue yo teach them to older children and teens. You read as though you've given up trying because its hard snd challenging for you to do.

You sound like lack personal boundaries. Why are you tolerating her bring repeatedly rude and unkind to you and her siblings?

If she was rude and unkind as a 4 year old, you'd have pulled her up on it and not tolerated it, especially if repeated. This is part of the high expectations of values you mention when she was small. You have to change the way you respond to a 17yo compared to a 4yo, but you can be just as insistent on high moral expectations.

MissyB1 · 17/10/2022 20:01

Your Dh needs to step up in this. Yes it’s great that he gets on with her, and shares hobbies, but he must present a united front with you. He must not tolerate texts or reports from her slagging you off. Parenting is team work.

Original poster

NotSureICanParentAnymore · 17/10/2022 20:04

Eupraxia · 17/10/2022 19:52

We had very high expectations when they were all small and drummed into them the value of kindness, honesty and compassion

With respect, teaching morals isn't a stand-alone task you do once. It's ongoing and changes as they grow.

its easy to teach these morals to little children. It's much harder to continue yo teach them to older children and teens. You read as though you've given up trying because its hard snd challenging for you to do.

You sound like lack personal boundaries. Why are you tolerating her bring repeatedly rude and unkind to you and her siblings?

If she was rude and unkind as a 4 year old, you'd have pulled her up on it and not tolerated it, especially if repeated. This is part of the high expectations of values you mention when she was small. You have to change the way you respond to a 17yo compared to a 4yo, but you can be just as insistent on high moral expectations.

Ok perhaps it should have read, 'Since they were small...'. Of course we still have high expectations. The problem is when the other person doesn't respect/recognise their part in the conflict. How do you instill/enforce boundaries when the other person does not recognise their part in the situation/conflict? That's why I'm asking for help here.

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Dacadactyl · 17/10/2022 20:09

I wpuld give her consequences. If she acts disrespectfully stop doing x, y or z for her.

I wouldmt pay for driving lessons if she was disrespecting me, i can tell you now.

Make her pay for her own phone.