Co-parenting

[Callmejudy]

I have two DS who I coparent with their father, who sees them twice a month. Their father has a new partner who I get on quite well with, our relationship was rocky at the beginning but I feel that we are pleasant to one another and she seems like a lovely woman who my DS adore, this brings me alot of contentment that they are happy there.

My ex and his new partner have a DD and their birthday falls a few days after mine- this year it falls into the same weekend. This particular weekend is my weekend to have the kids, so I had went ahead and made birthday plans that we could spend together.

My ex's new partner has text my mum, which I am not happy with, to ask if the children could spend that weekend with them instead due to it being their DD's birthday party. My mum AGREED, without my consent, and to be honest I've cried over this. My mum said I am being dramatic. I feel undermined and like my plans and feelings have just been trodded over. I had quite a heated argument with my mum this morning over this and I text my ex's new partner to ask could we come to an agreement over that weekend (half with me half with them), to which she was quite snappy with me. I went on to say it was best to contact me directly regarding arrangements for the kids as my mum doesn't always know what I have planned.

Am I being hormonal or am I right?

Text your dm and the dc's sm and tell them to keep their beaks out.. Your dm is outrageously disrespectful to you.

@Pumpkinpatchlookinggood thank you!!! I love my mum endlessly but she really has a habit with taking sides against me, this is a lifelong theme.

Why would DC's stepmum message your MUM and not you about this? Does she do this frequently? Also, why are you making plans with her and not your exP?

I think both SM and your M overstepped massively here - the extent of which depends on whether you encouraged their direct communicaiton in the past or not. If it were me, I'd message them both to inform them that all future planning and DCs visits coordination will be handled exclusively between you and your exP to avoid similar complications.

tell your ex that you have not given your mum permission to agree anything and that based on this the children will be with you for your weekend as you have planned.

You don't need to speak to his new partner, who should understand about having your kids with you on your birthday.

If you want to drive your point home - check with her mum if you can have them on your DHs birthday....

Wow! Don't let either walk over you. Why is she asking your Mum instead of you? It is your weekend, your birthday. If you can't come to a reasonable agreement then DS' stay with you as usual.

I don't know when they started to text one another or how they got each others numbers, This is something I'll have to find out.

I don't mind the new partner messaging me regarding arrangements as it gives us the opportunity to chat and it's nicer for the kids that we get along; she is also (usually) much more pleasant to message than my ex and he is a typical man who is happy to sit back and let the women make the arrangements.

I feel that the mark has been crossed here this time though, not sure why her tone was so snappy today- perhaps because I called her out.

thank you all for the reassurance.

I'd want to know why the partner text your mum instead of you to make plans. But ad to the birthday plans, it isnt a hill I'd doe on. Surely the kids would want to celebrate their half siblings birthday, do your the weekend after

YANBU that's such a sneaky thing to do! Do you live with your mum? She has no authority to agree to things on your behalf.

Absolutely, fucking, not. Out of order. Your mum I mean, and the SM for that matter.

YADNBU

Your plan is the one that currently stands, as it is your weekend and the step mum didn’t get your agreement to swap.

Your Mum is out of order to agree, but so is anyone who thought her agreement counted for anything.

So if step mum wants to compromise and get half the weekend she has to come to you, you don’t have to do anything as your plan is the one that stands.

She was snappy because she thought her plan who going to be possible and now it isn’t, but she was wrong to think that as your mum has no authority.

No I don't live with my mum, she has a massive input into our lives and is very helpful, but I feel like the boundary has been overstepped. My only qualm is that she has a habit of in the past being very friendly with those who I'm having difficulty with, she sided with the kids dad during our breakup and also a more recent breakup, a strange behaviour I've never really understood.

I think you need to draw a clear boundary here and say the kids will be with you and you will only have communication between your ex and yourself. She needs to understand that this is massively overstepping and you wont put up with it

”Sorry New Partner but my mum misspoke when she said you could have DS that weekend. We have plans to celebrate my birthday that can’t be cancelled. Do speak with me if ever you want to swap a weekend, my mum isn’t responsible for DS and wouldn’t want anyone to be disappointed. I’m sure DS would love to see DD [another time] to celebrate her birthday.”

That's awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. The boys stay with you until your ex asks otherwise and then you decide if you come up with a compromise that suits you both and DS'. I would not be happy in the slightest about being snapped at.

I like the suggestion above of ringing her Mumm and saying that doesn't work for you so that she realises how ridiculous her lines of communication are.

Why on earth would someone bypass you and go to your mum about your children? Call your ex and tell him you have no idea why his new girlfriend is even contacting anyone bar you (or anyone for that matter as it is not her business) and that you will be taking YOUR children as agreed on that weekend and that is the end of the matter. Your mother has nothing to do with this and his new gf needs to find herself a new hobby. If my mother got involved in my kids lives like that I would go mental. Take back control.

That’s sly, both your children’s stepmum and your own mother. I’m guessing that your ex knows what a cow your mum can be and they have used that to get their own way on this. Don’t let them or they’ll keep doing it.

Nope!

'Dear xh new p, I'm sorry there seems to have been some confusion over this weekend. It's my scheduled weekend and as it's my birthday the ch will be with me. To avoid confusion in future please contact me to discuss any changes to the schedule'

Tell your mum they're your ch and it's inappropriate for her to interfere.

Completely bizarre situation. I’ve been a step mum for years, I don’t have my DSC mum’s number never mind her parents’, how on Earth did that even happen?! I know loads of step parents, none get involved with arrangements with the other parent, that stuff is for mum and dad to sort.

It’s your weekend. If your ex had asked nicely I might have agreed to split the weekend but given the nasty manipulative way they’ve tried to get their own way I’d tell them to fuck off, block the new DP, tear a strip off your mother and insist you’ll only discuss dates with your ex.

This.

This is just utterly bizarre. Why would she contact your mum? Anyway, it's a YANBU from me, don't let anyone walk all over you OP. Put your foot firmly down and if she's going to get snappy with you just keep the children with you for the whole weekend.

Thank you all. This has been a theme throughout my romantic relationships whereby my mum will take the other side and almost befriend the other party, I probably haven't realised the extent of how toxic this is until now.

That's so odd. I'm a step mum and do at times have communication with my stepson's mother around dates/ times, usually if she can't get hold of my husband for whatever reason so we'll run it by each other. I also have her mother's number (I'm not sure how we ended up with it to be honest, I think it was for me to call her and arrange a time to pick him up when he was with his GM).

I'd never dream of making plans like that though that's just bizarre. Also very unfair that you've offered a compromise and it's been dashed back in your face, it's a shame because without a compromise your son will miss out on his sister's birthday when he could get to celebrate both birthdays that weekend.

I'd be upfront with ex and his partner that it is you and you alone that can be liaised with about contact arrangements, if you're more comfortable going through the partner by all means carry on provided she's respectful.

With regards to your own mother, I think a very frank discussion is needed I'd be furious.

Just contact the step mum and let her know that they can’t go as it’s your weekend to have them. Ask her not to contact your mother directly and remind her that it’s your ex and you that have parental responsibility no one else. YANBU - I’m also in a horrible place of keeping my own parents and ex’s mum meddling in child arrangements for being kind and not sticking to boundaries. She’s crossed a line - as politely as you can tell her she’s wrong and have a lovely birthday weekend. Xx