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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to take DS home

20 replies

me03873 · 17/10/2022 12:10

Name changed as I feel terrible writing this.

DS (17) suffers with his mental health, and regularly self harms. Last night, he cut himself pretty badly so I took him to A&E, they gave him stitches but we're still here waiting for the mental health team to see him. I'm worried incase they just send him home, as they did last time when we took him to A&E for the same reason. He's asking to go home, said he doesn't want to die or cut himself again etc. I also think the mental health team will think he's fine, as looking at him now, he is better than when we first came in as he was very upset. He obviously is a danger to himself so I don't want him home.

can I refuse to take him home and WIBU if I do?

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 17/10/2022 12:12

Where do you want him to go? Do you want him to be sectioned?

TwitchyJerk · 17/10/2022 12:13

I've heard that there is a major lack of beds in mental health and that patients needing to be committed are in a&e for weeks.

SRK16 · 17/10/2022 12:16

If they feel he is medically fit / mental health team feels he is okay to go home, they will not admit him. Especially if he is not expressing any intent to harm himself. If he was a younger teen they would be contacting social services, but 17 is on the cusp. If you’re thinking you want him admitted, the threshold is extremely high, and a mental health unit is not somewhere you want anyone to be unless there is no other choice.
your best bet is making sure he is referred for appropriate follow up.

SRK16 · 17/10/2022 12:17

Sorry to clarify I mean if you refused to take him home it would be likely they contact social services, not just because of the self harm/being in a&e.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/10/2022 12:18

I don't think he meets the threshold to be admitted and I'm not saying what he's done isn't bad and I'm sure you're so worried about him.

My DM has tried to commit suicide multiple times, diagnosed with bi polar, was openly admitting to wanting to kill herself and they still wouldn't section her.

passport123 · 17/10/2022 12:19

From what you've said he doesn't sound anywhere near the criteria for sectioning. if you don't take him home, where will he go?

TayJay94 · 17/10/2022 12:20

me03873 · 17/10/2022 12:10

Name changed as I feel terrible writing this.

DS (17) suffers with his mental health, and regularly self harms. Last night, he cut himself pretty badly so I took him to A&E, they gave him stitches but we're still here waiting for the mental health team to see him. I'm worried incase they just send him home, as they did last time when we took him to A&E for the same reason. He's asking to go home, said he doesn't want to die or cut himself again etc. I also think the mental health team will think he's fine, as looking at him now, he is better than when we first came in as he was very upset. He obviously is a danger to himself so I don't want him home.

can I refuse to take him home and WIBU if I do?

If you refuse to take him home, that won't get him help or taken to a psychiatric unit, it'll make him functionally homeless and he'll get put into a hostel where he'll be even more able to hurt himself. They don't just section people who they'd otherwise send home because their guardian refuses to take them.

This sounds like a really hard situation and i understand your upset and struggle here, but psychiatric units in the UK are honestly so shit that they dont provide much help anyway. Most people come out of them no better than they went in, often worse, and they only thing they're any good for is forcing people to take medication and if he's already doing that if he's on any, i dont think it'd help him.

I'd suggest looking for charities, local services to fund therapy for him, and reaching out to friends and family to see if someone else can watch him if it's too overwhelming for you to do or if you cant.

TerfQueen · 17/10/2022 12:20

For most people without experience of mental health issues, you’d probably presume that during a crisis you are taken straight away to a mental health ward. You are given the therapy, care and medication you need, you’d be supported to be able to safe to go home and then be seen to daily by a mental health community team. Right? That’s what I always presumed and a few years ago, that was what did happen.

The reality now is that mental health wards are holding pens. They are understaffed waiting rooms full of incredibly unwell people who most likely will not get the help they need but will be medicated and subdued enough to think a bit more clearly and rushed into getting home without any core issues being addressed. It’s terrifying, and totally unacceptable. If you are somehow able to get him a room at the facility, he will be surrounded by people who are very very sick and not at all people who would contribute to stabilising your mental health. But they’ll keep him alive. 9/10, you are better trying to arrange round the clock care at home using friends and family who love your son. It’s horrible to even write this, I know it sounds ludicrous but it really is the reality. I’m so very very sorry you are in this situation. At a time of financial crisis I feel like a dick to even ask but if there is anyway you can secure private health care for you son, it’s about the only way you will get anywhere other than my suggestion of family home care. Again, I’m am so sorry you’re facing this. Mental health doesn’t just affect the person struggling, it hits all of those around them who love them dearly xx

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 17/10/2022 12:21

He won't be admitted for that. I'm sorry, I know it's awful when you're desperately trying to get help for your child and there is fuck all anyone will do.

TerfQueen · 17/10/2022 12:26

It’s worth noting that anecdotally (I have a close friend who is a mental health nurse) that the people who are being admitted at the moment are those who are a risk to others or who have already assaulted / greatly harmed another because of their mental health. The threshold has moved and the bar now is you have to be essentially homicidal. It’s a disgrace.

endofthelinefinally · 17/10/2022 12:36

Unless you can find and fund private care you will get nowhere I am afraid. I am so sorry. It is an absolutely disgraceful situation here in the UK.

FriedasCarLoad · 17/10/2022 12:38

Can you or a grandparent afford for him to go to the Priory or somewhere like that? It's ridiculously expensive, but they helped me enormously.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Soontobe60 · 17/10/2022 12:40

He will be classed as an adult at his age. If he says he wants to leave and the doctors assess him as being competent then they will discharge him.

Miffee · 17/10/2022 12:42

As others have said all refusing to take him home will do is make him homeless.

Did they have any kind of follow up after? Is he under a MH team?

Original poster
me03873 · 17/10/2022 12:43

DS has attempted suicide multiple times this year, when he's suicidal I have to stay up watching him all night, which isn't ideal as I work a few days a week. There's no one to watch him all the time, as DP also works and when I'm not working I still have to do the school run, and shopping etc which he wouldn't want to do. Last night, he was saying he wanted to die etc but today he's saying he doesn't, so I suspect he could be lying. He seemed fine all day yesterday, then he did this so we can never tell.

He is on medication which seems to help, but not all the time.

OP posts:
Miffee · 17/10/2022 12:43

TerfQueen · 17/10/2022 12:26

It’s worth noting that anecdotally (I have a close friend who is a mental health nurse) that the people who are being admitted at the moment are those who are a risk to others or who have already assaulted / greatly harmed another because of their mental health. The threshold has moved and the bar now is you have to be essentially homicidal. It’s a disgrace.

Maybe for informal admission but for detention the bar remains the same.

Miffee · 17/10/2022 12:44

me03873 · 17/10/2022 12:43

DS has attempted suicide multiple times this year, when he's suicidal I have to stay up watching him all night, which isn't ideal as I work a few days a week. There's no one to watch him all the time, as DP also works and when I'm not working I still have to do the school run, and shopping etc which he wouldn't want to do. Last night, he was saying he wanted to die etc but today he's saying he doesn't, so I suspect he could be lying. He seemed fine all day yesterday, then he did this so we can never tell.

He is on medication which seems to help, but not all the time.

Explain how good he is at masking and lying. Take people's first and last names and wrote them down. Insist that they document your concerns.

He really should be treated as an outpatient initially at least and I am not clear if that's the case.

gogohmm · 17/10/2022 13:11

If he doesn't meet the criteria for sectioning demand instead for the outreach team - they come in daily for a fortnight, sometimes more than once a day aimed at keeping them out of hospital.

Social services will be called otherwise as he's under 18

Original poster
me03873 · 17/10/2022 13:34

DS is under cahms and saw them a few weeks ago, they upped his dose of medication slightly but that was all

OP posts:
Rinoachicken · 17/10/2022 13:39

Depending on the nature of his MH diagnosis it’s perfectly possibly for him to be fine at 7pm and suicidal at 8pm and then fine again at 10pm. That would certainly be the pattern for someone struggling with emotional dysregulation for example.

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