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AIBU?

ASD and diagnosis

16 replies

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 10:59

Hi, I've always felt like I don't quite fit the mould. I have definitely had to learn social norms and I always feel like I'm one step away from saying/doing something seemingly normal to me but are actually socially inappropriate and I then cause offence.

For example I'm always told I have 'no filter' and just seem to say what pops in my head and then upset people. I genuinely think I'm saying positive nice things but then someone has a quiet word with me and explains thats not that sort of thing I should say. I met a lady recently and she'd had her 2nd baby and I said 'oh the birth always seems easier with the 2nd one'
My friend then explained thats not always true and I might upset someone saying that if they'd had a difficult 2nd birth etc. It didn't even occur to me that I might offend someone. I have loads more examples but some of them are quite outing and some examples are just not coming to mind right now.

I also procrastinate hugely, I struggle socially and am quite introverted. I constantly feel like I'm 'masking' and find it tiring.

I have no concept about ASD or other various descriptions- ADHD etc. I want to educate myself and I'm now at the point where I'd like to know if I have any of these things. I just don't know where to start. Any help and acceptance of my ramblings hugely appreciated.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

6 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
0%
You are NOT being unreasonable
100%
Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 11:15

Obviously I did not mean to enable voting.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 17/10/2022 11:23

Firstly, come over to the neurodiverse mumsnetters board. We can give you lots of support. Secondly, make an appointment with your gp to discuss being assessed for both asd and adhd. They'll likely get you to do a questionnaire on both, then if you score highly enough you'll be referred on.

Avidreader69 · 17/10/2022 11:26

What do you think an official diagnosis will change? You will still be the same person as before.

Mabelface · 17/10/2022 11:29

The official diagnosis gives validation that you're not just shit at life. Yes, you're the same person, but with an understanding of why some things are so difficult that nt people find simple.

Diagnosed with asd at age 50 2 years ago, and with adhd a week and a half ago. I like myself a lot more than I did.

Windynamechange · 17/10/2022 12:13

Avidreader69 · 17/10/2022 11:26

What do you think an official diagnosis will change? You will still be the same person as before.

I know that this is unlikely to be a malicious comment, but I really dislike the 'diagnosis doesn't do anything but label' stance. Diagnosis has made a huge difference to my life. Instead of feeling like I'm a broken and defective human being that just can't get on with life, I now know why I am the way that I am and I can think of ways to adjust accordingly.

When you don't know what is up, you might force yourself into doing things you can't cope with because of a desperate desire to be like everyone else, which can actually make it all worse. E.g. forcing yourself to be out socialising every day and ending up in a six month burnout on sick leave because you are overextended. Pushing through when melting down because other people manage so why shouldn't you, and ending up in hospital. Etc

I get very overwhelmed when my environment is 'messy' or 'out of control'. When DH would come to try and help, I'd lash out and cry and scream and we'd get nothing done, plus he'd be upset with me for being difficult. Now, when we both see signs of stress whilst trying to do a task, we stop and he asks if I'm overwhelmed, in which case I leave and take a break, so we can come back to it later or the next day. No arguing, no resentment, and a much quicker recovery so we can resume the task together or I can do it later on my own if that helps. No more burnout, no more long term sick leave. Such a weight of my shoulders and a lot of learning about how to structure my life around having ASD, instead of trying to do things the way I thought they needed to be done. Of course it's not a magic fix and I still struggle, but diagnosis has done a lot for my sense of self.

You can argue that you could just live and adjust assuming you have ASD and not seek diagnosis, but that external validation can be very powerful in healing some of the trauma. It felt similar to hearing an external body acknowledge abuse I suffered as a child. I knew it wasn't my fault and that I had a right to be angry, but the government telling me that I was right and it shouldn't have happened was very cathartic and validating.

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 12:41

Mabelface · 17/10/2022 11:29

The official diagnosis gives validation that you're not just shit at life. Yes, you're the same person, but with an understanding of why some things are so difficult that nt people find simple.

Diagnosed with asd at age 50 2 years ago, and with adhd a week and a half ago. I like myself a lot more than I did.

That is exactly why I'm considering it. I would feel embarrassed to speak to my GP as I have limited knowledge and nothing tangible to point to in order to show why I think I may be ND. I was wondering if there's a way of reading up more first or looking at something privately? I've looked at online tests but the websites always seem a bit dodgy and always require payment. Thanks.

OP posts:
Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 12:44

Windynamechange · 17/10/2022 12:13

I know that this is unlikely to be a malicious comment, but I really dislike the 'diagnosis doesn't do anything but label' stance. Diagnosis has made a huge difference to my life. Instead of feeling like I'm a broken and defective human being that just can't get on with life, I now know why I am the way that I am and I can think of ways to adjust accordingly.

When you don't know what is up, you might force yourself into doing things you can't cope with because of a desperate desire to be like everyone else, which can actually make it all worse. E.g. forcing yourself to be out socialising every day and ending up in a six month burnout on sick leave because you are overextended. Pushing through when melting down because other people manage so why shouldn't you, and ending up in hospital. Etc

I get very overwhelmed when my environment is 'messy' or 'out of control'. When DH would come to try and help, I'd lash out and cry and scream and we'd get nothing done, plus he'd be upset with me for being difficult. Now, when we both see signs of stress whilst trying to do a task, we stop and he asks if I'm overwhelmed, in which case I leave and take a break, so we can come back to it later or the next day. No arguing, no resentment, and a much quicker recovery so we can resume the task together or I can do it later on my own if that helps. No more burnout, no more long term sick leave. Such a weight of my shoulders and a lot of learning about how to structure my life around having ASD, instead of trying to do things the way I thought they needed to be done. Of course it's not a magic fix and I still struggle, but diagnosis has done a lot for my sense of self.

You can argue that you could just live and adjust assuming you have ASD and not seek diagnosis, but that external validation can be very powerful in healing some of the trauma. It felt similar to hearing an external body acknowledge abuse I suffered as a child. I knew it wasn't my fault and that I had a right to be angry, but the government telling me that I was right and it shouldn't have happened was very cathartic and validating.

I have this exact issue - overwhelm and lashing out (not physically) if my home is a mess or feels dirty (often actually isn't but it feels filthy to me if I haven't mopped for 2 days etc - but I do not feel I have OCD) then my mind is all over the place and I feel really overwhelmed. I have cried and made a fuss and my husband has had to pick up the slack many times despite sometimes working 7 days a week etc. I often feel like my mind is not my own and I'm not able to make my own decisions as I feel so overwhelmed coupled with procrastination at the same time.

OP posts:
Clarice99 · 17/10/2022 12:49

Avidreader69 · 17/10/2022 11:26

What do you think an official diagnosis will change? You will still be the same person as before.

An official diagnosis gives validation and can be a pathway to better understanding of self. It can also enable reasonable adjustments at work. With ADHD, there is medication that can be prescribed, but a diagnosis is required. Also, a diagnosis can lead to better relationships with others (if declared).

OP, book an appointment with your GP to request a referral for both assessments and, as suggested previously, come over to the Neurodiverse MN board.

Clarice99 · 17/10/2022 12:51

The AQ test is used for autism screening. This link is free:

psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

TigerRag · 17/10/2022 12:52

A diagnosis surely allows people to understand themselves better? I've also had to explain that I have difficulties with stuff due to my Autism. Without a diagnosis I had no explanation and couldn't get any adjustments.

BoardLikeAMirror · 17/10/2022 12:56

www.mumsnet.com/talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

Yes, come over to this board, @Yupbutnobut . You might find it useful to browse the historical threads as there are many from people in your position.

BlackeyedSusan · 17/10/2022 12:56

Three areas for ASD:
Sensory:
Social and communication
Routine.

Google autism women/girls look for stuff you do that fits the three categories above.

Likewise for ADHD/add

You sound like you are having meltdowns. (A diagnosis so helps you to know to stop before you get overwhelmed )

Oh and do have an answer for what getting a diagnosis will change for you. They do like to ask this a lot.

SnacksToTheMax · 17/10/2022 14:56

The Embrace Autism site is a good resource if you want to research/investigate further: embrace-autism.com

BlankTimes · 17/10/2022 15:10

@Yupbutnobut
I've looked at online tests but the websites always seem a bit dodgy and always require payment. Thanks.

Don't know where you've been looking, but no online tests are diagnostic, so there should never be any payment requested.

Additude mag is legit and has loads which you can complete to show your GP.

This symptom checker suggests different conditions depending on which questions you answer.

www.additudemag.com/symptom-checker/

Complete it and scroll down on the last page, the answers are on the screen. below this text
"Please note: These results are not a diagnosis and are not a replacement for evaluation and diagnosis by a medical professional. If you remain concerned, please consult a professional." and then below the email or print buttons.

I just filled it in based on adult DD's symptoms and it's pretty accurate in suggsting conditions she's already diagnosed with.

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 16:50

BlankTimes · 17/10/2022 15:10

@Yupbutnobut
I've looked at online tests but the websites always seem a bit dodgy and always require payment. Thanks.

Don't know where you've been looking, but no online tests are diagnostic, so there should never be any payment requested.

Additude mag is legit and has loads which you can complete to show your GP.

This symptom checker suggests different conditions depending on which questions you answer.

www.additudemag.com/symptom-checker/

Complete it and scroll down on the last page, the answers are on the screen. below this text
"Please note: These results are not a diagnosis and are not a replacement for evaluation and diagnosis by a medical professional. If you remain concerned, please consult a professional." and then below the email or print buttons.

I just filled it in based on adult DD's symptoms and it's pretty accurate in suggsting conditions she's already diagnosed with.

I've filled it in and it says Bipolar, ADHD and Dyscalculia which make a lot of sense reading the results. I am very up and down emotionally, spend a lot to either cheer myself up or celebrate. Could feel on top of the world one day then feel like everyone Hates me the next. I struggle hugely with maths but didn't think this was related to anything. A lot of the symptoms of ADHD resonate strongly for my daughter too so that was helpful to read. I'll definitely go over to the other board and read more threads thank you.

OP posts:
Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 16:51

SnacksToTheMax · 17/10/2022 14:56

The Embrace Autism site is a good resource if you want to research/investigate further: embrace-autism.com

Thank you

OP posts:
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