Did I use him?

[malteasertiffin]

After separating from my long term partner I started seeing a friend. I'd had a difficult pregnancy, PND and I was lonely. I had a 3 month old at the time. He was quite full on quite quickly I suppose. But He was really kind to me and spoilt me and my baby. I really liked him. I told him not to spend money on us but he said he wanted to.
But I'm trying to give it a go with my ex. Financially I just can't afford to leave him, and I do want to give our family a go.
The guy I've been seeing said I used him and I just used him as a sounding board and to make myself feel better. I feel awful.
I feel like a terrible person and I guess I am a user. Have I been disgusting?

I suppose you did, but he can’t blame you for wanting your child to have both parents together if it’s at all possible.

I fall on the side of, yes, you used him, too. You must have suspected he liked you in order to progress so quickly into a romantic relationship. You say you were lonely and you obviously wanted/needed some attention. That being said, you were having a tough time so I don’t blame you.

However, you’ve obviously got him to lay his cards on the table and now he can’t back track. He’s probably hurt because the feelings weren’t matched at a similar intensity and also embarrassed as well. If I were him, I’d struggle to maintain the friendship after this.

Sorry OP but I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot here. I hope the ex is worth it.

Yes of course you used him if you took from him and are predominantly going back to your partner for his money then you are using him too

Why does it matter now and why are you still thinking about him if you are making a go of things with your ex?

Sorry, OP, I know you’re an adult, but you were in an extremely vulnerable place. Let’s not pretend he didn’t know you were. You also asked him not to spend money on you and the baby. He chose to.
As a PP said, it’s not unreasonable that you would want both parents in your baby’s life. You don’t just have yourself to think about, but your child too.
I may be biased here as I find men who jump in “quickly” with new mothers highly suspect.
Don’t be so hard on yourself if you can help it, depression is bad enough without a bunch of strangers on the internet and some pushy guy calling you a user.
I hope you’re getting decent support, and hope you and your baby are growing well together ❤️

You may or may not have used him, but you could also say that a woman with a new born who'd recently split from the baby's father would be extremely vulnerable and he took advantage of that.

I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of

Of course you didn’t use him. He tried to shoved his way in when you were vulnerable, playing the gent, arrogant that you would choose him and feel indebted.

If he had good intentions- he perhaps would have not been so full on with new mum and her baby, and definitely wouldn’t be accusing you of ‘using’ him now.

but out of curiosity- what do you mean by spoiling? Just because on mumsnet women are ‘gold diggers’ if they let a man buy them a nandos dinner and you must have a tin foil engagement ring. Did he just buy a few takeaways or pay your rent for 6 months?

This is why it’s a good idea not to go from one relationship straight into another- it is easy to get into messy situations. Take care.

He is an adult who made his choices , he chose to be full on and spend money on you . I think k he is embarrassed as he may have told people about his new relationship and may now be saying you have gone back to your ex.

He knew what he was doing and what he was doing. He was using your vulnerable position as much as you were using him.

Sorry, OP, I know you’re an adult, but you were in an extremely vulnerable place. Let’s not pretend he didn’t know you were. You also asked him not to spend money on you and the baby. He chose to.

hang on, she chose to accept. Why do some folks post like women have no personal responsibility for their actions and men make all decisions. Bloody hell

she didn’t have to put her hand out and accept . She clearly knew she was going to try with her ex if she could as she wanted his money more. It’s the first reason she wrote about why she’s going back to him. Being a family was secondary.