To stop being friends with lying friend

Barkin · 2022-10-16T23:06:57+00:00

I have a friend I have known for around five years, and over the past couple of years I have noticed she is frequently dishonest. Usually this centres around her boasting / stealth bragging. She pretended her partner had purchased her a brand new car - it turns out it was a 10 year old car she purchased herself; she claimed I must have misheard her (I definitely didn’t!). We both work in the same industry, and she lied about being offered a really fantastic job - when she didn’t actually start working there, and was vague about the details, I asked her what was happening with it all she tried to backtrack and say she had decided to turn the position down - very unlikely as she had wanted to do that job for years! Individually the lies just seem slightly odd/pointless, but now I have noticed her dishonesty, it is constant. Usually it centres around her (pretend) successes in life, good fortune, somehow coming into money etc. We have had a lovely friendship but I’m getting quite tired of the fibs all of the time - it feels like she sees me as her competition, and like she constantly wants to assert herself as having one up over me. There are so many more examples I could list. so - AIBU to let this friendship fade away, or am I being hasty?

TheArtfulStodger · 17/10/2022 00:11

Do you really want to waste your energy and self worth on someone who cares this little about the importance of honesty in all kinds of relationships?

Could never be more than an irritating habit. But could also become more serious. In either case, is a liar and fantasist worth your friendship? I walk away from people I can't trust to be up front and open and honest.

eldora · 17/10/2022 00:14

It sounds exhausting and annoying. Dump and run.

noproblemlove · 17/10/2022 00:15

Agree with @TheArtfulStodger
Her lies could involve you one day. Definitely distance yourself

5foot5 · 17/10/2022 00:15

Just let it fade away. You don't need people like that in your life

Keyansier · 17/10/2022 00:55

You sound a bit obsessed with her OP. To the point of it sounding weird. If I were in the friends shoes and I had you sniffing around my personal life and saying nasty things about me I would probably throw a few lies in your direction just to get you off my back as well tbh.

Oliverfunyuns · 17/10/2022 01:12

It sounds to me like the OP is just asking normal follow-up questions of the kind that are typical when speaking with a friend. It would be much stranger if she were to simply ignore the things her friend has told he in past conversations.

One of these could possibly be a misunderstanding or something embarrassing that she doesn't want to talk about, but taken together, it's a pattern of lying for no good reason.

I definitely be distancing myself from someone who was frequently telling lies. It's a frustrating behaviour at the best of times!

Mamai90 · 17/10/2022 01:14

Keyansier · 17/10/2022 00:55

You sound a bit obsessed with her OP. To the point of it sounding weird. If I were in the friends shoes and I had you sniffing around my personal life and saying nasty things about me I would probably throw a few lies in your direction just to get you off my back as well tbh.

🙄

NalaNana · 17/10/2022 01:36

I have a friend like this. I reasoned that I'm not friends with her because I think she tells the truth all the time. I'm friends with her because she's a laugh a minute, lives in the moment and is always there to listen to me. Friends can fulfil different purposes in our lives, no one is really the full package.

That said, I let her know that I'd picked up on the dishonesty and I'd rather she just gave it up. We haven't really had much of a problem since!

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 01:43

It depends on how good a friend she's been over the years and if this behaviour has always been there or if its recent. To me it would make me think that she has serious issues with her confidence and is making things up because she feels she needs to impress you or make herself feel more interesting than she thinks she is. If you're at the point in the friendship where you're thinking of ending it anyways, I'd be tempted to sit down with her and call her out on it gently. I'd say something along the lines of " I've noticed for a while now that sometimes you're telling me things that I learn later aren't quite the full story and it makes me worry that you feel you can't be yourself around me and I want you to know that you can always tell me the truth and as your friend I will never judge you." and see what she does with that. Either it'll help her relax in herself and stop doing it, or she'll feel like you've caught her out and stop doing it. Or she'll get defensive and continue at which point you were going to distance yourself from her anyways. I'd try to figure out what's happening though because it's not normal behaviour and it makes me think she's actually quite unhappy with her life at present and is probably very much in need of your friendship.

Original poster

Barkin · 17/10/2022 11:08

Cw112 · 17/10/2022 01:43

It depends on how good a friend she's been over the years and if this behaviour has always been there or if its recent. To me it would make me think that she has serious issues with her confidence and is making things up because she feels she needs to impress you or make herself feel more interesting than she thinks she is. If you're at the point in the friendship where you're thinking of ending it anyways, I'd be tempted to sit down with her and call her out on it gently. I'd say something along the lines of " I've noticed for a while now that sometimes you're telling me things that I learn later aren't quite the full story and it makes me worry that you feel you can't be yourself around me and I want you to know that you can always tell me the truth and as your friend I will never judge you." and see what she does with that. Either it'll help her relax in herself and stop doing it, or she'll feel like you've caught her out and stop doing it. Or she'll get defensive and continue at which point you were going to distance yourself from her anyways. I'd try to figure out what's happening though because it's not normal behaviour and it makes me think she's actually quite unhappy with her life at present and is probably very much in need of your friendship.

She is a really lovely person aside from the lies - she has mentioned before feeling insecure about some aspects of her life so I know it is linked to this, but as it is so often now it is getting quite tiring. Having a conversation is a good idea, but as I’ve called out individual fibs and she has denied it I’m not sure how productive it would be. It’s a shame as we have loads in common and have shared some great times together, and the things she makes up about money/work etc are not things which would make me see her in a different light at all, so it seems very pointless!

OP posts:

Original poster

Barkin · 17/10/2022 11:08

Thanks for the replies all

OP posts:

Original poster

Barkin · 17/10/2022 11:12

Keyansier · 17/10/2022 00:55

You sound a bit obsessed with her OP. To the point of it sounding weird. If I were in the friends shoes and I had you sniffing around my personal life and saying nasty things about me I would probably throw a few lies in your direction just to get you off my back as well tbh.

Thanks for taking the time to reply - I’m wondering if you have been in this situation before, where you’ve felt the need to tell lots of fibs to a friend, and what your motivation was? All of her frequent fibs have been volunteered rather than me questioning, which makes it even more bizarre! As I mention we had a great friendship and do not say nasty things about each other (that I’m aware of!), is that something which you’ve experienced too through a similar situation? Thanks

OP posts:

randomusername666 · 17/10/2022 11:12

Keyansier · 17/10/2022 00:55

You sound a bit obsessed with her OP. To the point of it sounding weird. If I were in the friends shoes and I had you sniffing around my personal life and saying nasty things about me I would probably throw a few lies in your direction just to get you off my back as well tbh.

Which thread are you watching 😳?

Original poster

Barkin · 17/10/2022 11:14

randomusername666 · 17/10/2022 11:12

Which thread are you watching 😳?

Show quote history

I think there might be a bit of projection in Keyansier’s post as it mentions lots of things which aren’t in my OP - hopefully they come back and can shed some light!

OP posts:

ElectedOnThursday · 17/10/2022 11:14

It’s a bit sad, really. Your friend must feel very insecure if she constantly resorts to lying to try to impress. No one with good self esteem does this especially when there is nothing in it for them. All she gets is questions and rattled friendships. Somewhere along the line your friend has learnt that who she is isn’t enough so she has developed a technique to disguise her true self and to appear somehow more impressive.

I can fully appreciate that this makes you feel very uncomfortable. The saddest part is that she is likely lying to try to be popular and yet she actually drives friends away.