Found Out My Fiancée Has Been Lying To Me

[AllNamesRNtTakenRThey]

So posting for advice and to see if the general consensus is that I’m in the wrong.

My partner and I have been together five years and I have just moved in, moving my job to this part of the world too.

Right at the start of our relationship there were issues between us over a particular “friend”. We’re in a same-sex relationship and she lied to me about the nature of her relationship with the friend who was her ex-partner and who she had previously been having an affair with. After I found out about the lies we broke up but eventually got back together again and she said that she had cut all ties with her and she could see how the lies had been damaging to us. She also admitted that she had really blurred the boundaries with this friend, but that she felt very protective of her and had just lied to me to protect her friend.

Two years later, I’m now in her house and I’m a big part of her children’s lives. We were busy planning a wedding and I’m involved with her family. Only I’ve just discovered she has continued to lie to me about this “friend” and they are still contacting each other…. all quite secretive and she clearly thought she’d covered her tracks but she hadn’t.

I feel like all of this has been a great big sham. I’m so angry and hurt. But worst of all now is the feeling that I am going to have to end this relationship and walk away from the kids too. I know they love me and see me as a parent and it’s not fair that I will now be breaking their hearts because of her lies.

But of course from her point of view I am completely unreasonable and just trying to prevent her having an innocent friendship with someone who means a lot to her.

She has lied to you, gone out of her way to deliberately deceive you, to maintain contact with an ex partner. It is disrespectful in the extreme, you are right to end it.

The hurt her children will feel is her fault but you can mitigate that, for them and yourself, by still being in contact to some degree for a period of time.

Thank you for your reply. It is so very sad, but as you say it is disrespectful in the extreme. She just cannot see that she’s done anything wrong. But ultimately that’s not my problem in the long-term. I need to try to get out of all of this mess as best I can and start rebuilding my life elsewhere.

You discovered early on that she's a liar, and initially you did the right thing and ended it. Sadly, you took her back.

This is who she is, op. She is more than happy to lie to your face and then blame the fallout on you being dramatic.

Run for your fucking life. Her children are not your responsibility.

She’s using both you and this “friend” to her own advantage. Just go, and don’t look back.

She's the one who broke your trust so it's her responsibility to earn it back through her behaviour. Sneaking around and continuing a relationship with this woman behind your back (regardless of the nature) isn't doing that. You're not married yet so I'd honesty say get out now while you can. It's horrendous for the kids but that's on her, you're not there to be a doormat and for her to blame you and make out you're being unreasonable when she's been deliberately deceptive in the run up to your wedding is a bit gaslighty. It's not supposed to be like that and the people who love us are not supposed to hurt us.

Oh you poor thing. That's utterly shit of her! Of course she CAN see what she's done wrong.No woman is that thick & if she didn't think their 'friendship' was wrong, she wouldn't have tried to hide it. She's taking you for a mug. Don't cover for her, when people ask why you've split up tell them it's because she thought a secret 'friendship' with x was more important than your relationship.

how old are the kids, how long have you been involved with them. I'm sorry for them & you, it's hard to have to lose them in this way.

are you going to be ok where you've moved to, or do you want to 'go home'?

you're definitely doing the right thing leaving her though. You gave her a second chance already & she shat all over it. She'll come to regret it one day, but don't wait around.

Thank you all for the understanding and the sympathy. It is all just spectacularly sh*t.

The point you made FistFullOfRegrets is a good one - about not covering for her. I think I have been doing this for a long time in other ways, which I won’t go in to.

The children are primary age. And I’m really not sure where I will go. I think it’s going to have to be one day at a time, one step at a time. My first priority is to get some space… which hopefully I can do over the next couple of days.