Choices

[Mari9999]

A very close friend recently told me that her partner of 4 years, just forced her to have an abortion.

He has 3 teen and young adult children and she has none. He has made it clear that he has no need or desire to have any more children at this time and perhaps never.

She is 12 years younger than he is, and she does not yet have a child. She desperately wants to have a child. Apart from that very significant issue they seem to have a good relationship.

She became pregnant ;she says that her birth control failed. She wanted to keep the pregnancy. He said that he would support the child but end the relationship as he could no longer trust her.

She is devastated and saying that he forced her to have an abortion. My thought was that they each stated their views and positions, and she decided that she wanted the man more than she wanted a child.

Obviously, she was not ready to hear my opinion. I was very sorry that she is in pain, but it seemed completely unfair to claim that he forced her to have an abortion. At most , it seems that she was forced to decide what she wanted most a man or a child.

AIBU to think that there was no force exerted only an unfortunate decision that she chose to make?

It seems now that he is less trusting of the relationship, and she may end up with neither the man nor the child.

I agree with you. It’s a horrible situation to be in, but I don’t think he ‘forced’ her to do anything.

I agree with you. I wonder how much longer their relationship will last though.

This is a sad tale.

She is also not going to trust him either. I think the relationship is doomed.

Yes, he did force her into having an abortion by putting her in a position of having to choose between him and a pregnancy. In such a vulnerable position she would have looked at facing life as a single parent, maybe starting out homeless plus job issues because of her situation.

My boyfriend (later husband) forced me into an abortion by saying he would disappear to another part of the country, give up his rental, I wouldn't hear from him again. I had no home of my own and my parents wouldn't accept me living with them. I would also have lost out on my nurse training and had to give up my future and as I was living in nursing accommodations so would have been homeless. The marriage didn't last long as he had already done the worst he could to me. I was definitely forced into the decision.

You sound awful and judgemental, completely lacking in understanding of the situation your friend is in. Some friend.

Yes, he did force her into having an abortion by putting her in a position of having to choose between him and a pregnancy.

Thats not forcing her, that’s letting her know that - understandably - he doesn’t want to be a full time dad again. She could have had the baby anyway.

The alternative would be her ‘forcing’ him into a lifestyle he doesn’t want.

You’re totally right OP.

I don't see how this relationship can ever work, given their positions on such a fundamental issue. Neither of them is wrong, they just want totally different things. They need to agree either no children and him have a vasectomy, or agree to have one together. It seems like for some reason he is expecting her to take responsibility for not having a child he doesn't want. He should have a vasectomy, as I have said. It sound like they haven't actually reached an agreement on the children issue.

Inheritanceshiteagain
What would have been a reasonable solution that would have resulted in both of them being happy?

It's not about being happy. She's not happy now and I guarantee the relationship will never be the same now his controlling behaviour has been exposed. This is coercive control

But let's all victim blame. 🤷🏻‍♀️

she decided that she wanted the man more than she wanted a child.

Not sure whether you actually said that to her but if so that's an appalling thing to say.

If it’s not about being happy, then what’s it about? And what do you think a reasonable outcome would have been?

Sorry- how is it her fault that her birth control failed- how does that make her untrustworthy?? Accidents happen and he's completely avoided his own responsibility in this and basically told her she's out on her ear if she keeps the pregnancy. That is forcing her hand he sounds like such a dick. Hes accusing heyrof purposefully trying to get pregnant and lying about it. It sounds like she didn't want to be a single parent and go it alone with the breakdown of her relationship to contend with more so than she chose the man over the child. I think you need to be a bit more supportive of your friend.

I'd agree but I don't think it needed saying to her. You've said she's devastated.