AIBU to lust after an old uni crush, even though it will never happen?

[KeepingItReal2017]

Im married with kids, in my kid 30s, yet often find myself drawn to an old uni friend. We had one night together when we were young, free and single. Since then it’s been a few near misses & lots of clashes of relationships- rarely single at the same time. I haven’t seen him in years and years, but I dream about him, and after the dreams I have a few days thinking of what could have been. We exchange social media texts, nothing incriminating, catching up on life or liking a selfie etc. I’d never be unfaithful so this is a pointless fantasy, but I can’t stop it, I feel like it’s the one who got away, the one I should’ve tried to be with. Side note, I’m happy with my life, but me and my husband don’t currently connect - small kids has changed us, we parent and live together, will the love connection return? Or is this how life is with kids? In my fantasy I wait until my kids are grown up and then seek him out, confess my love and have a relationship in my 50s. Sad really. But what I really want to do, go and see him right now, isn’t fair and isn’t going to happen, so I have the more attainable mid life crisis fantasy. Urgh, AIBU to lust after someone who it will never happen with? Am I just sad that my married has lost its spark, sad j never acted on the lusts 10 years ago? It’s nice to fantasise though. Pls don’t come at me and make me feel like shit :(

You're probably bored. Enjoy the fantasy but don't act on it. I guarantee the fantasy will not live up to the reality. Try to work on rekindling the excitement in the life you have.

Fantasy is fine, as long as it doesn’t take over. Maybe have a think of what you can do to get the spark back? Dinner out, or a nice meal in when the children are in bed. We had a lovely lunch as we took a day off when the child was at nursery in the day - had a great time, just nice to connect outside the regular day-to-day stuff.

Thank you both. Bored in my romantic relationship could be it. I should try harder to rekindle. Thanks x

It's bad timing when things aren't going great with your current partner. It's okay to fantasise too (sometimes I wish I could to make me feel like a woman! I haven't fantasised about anyone for years?hormones?) but I also know that the reality of these sorts of interactions you're describing are probably just that, fantasies. Even Mr Right in your head has the potential to give you 'the Ick' - apologies if you hate that term. Also If you were meant to be together you probably would be together already, regardless of the hurdles or obstacles. Don't beat yourself up about it

Yes you’re totally right. The reality would be what? A guilt inducing one night stand or total upheaval of my kids lives. Plus he’s become my fantasy man in my head. He’s attractive & has so many great qualities, but we’ve been friends for nearly 20 years, it this was who I was supposed to be with it would have happened by now.

A woman I know dumped her husband and two kids to be with “the one who got away” at uni. It was a disastrous. The reality will never live up to the fantasy.

Omg those poor kids. And poor woman when she realised. Yeah I’m thinking - fantasy is just fine & I’ll use any energy and time I have on finding the spark in my current situation! And maybe get a vibrator….

‘’Since then it’s been a few near misses & lots of clashes of relationships- rarely single at the same time.’’

I see this comment a lot. To me it means ‘we could have split up with our respective boy/girlfriends at any time, but somehow chose not to’.

If that desire to be with each other was GENUINELY that strong, either of you would have finished your relationship, and made overtures towards the other person. But neither of you did that for whatever reason. The weaknesses in your current relationship are leading you towards a past and future wearing rose tinted glasses, not reality.

I don't think you need to feel bad about it I think a lot of people fantasise from time to time but it's important to recognise that it is just that- it's fantasy and the problem is that if you start comparing it to your real world it'll just breed discontent. Also is it easier to slip into the fantasy daydream rather than actually investing that same time and energy into your current life and husband? If you really want to get your connection back on track you need to both equally be putting the effort in to making it work, go on date nights, make time to be intimate and more romantic and affectionate with each other and be honest with him that you miss him and want to get back to that place with him. You need to have a chat with your dh and agree a plan together.

Very true! We didn’t make it happen. Thanks for jumping on that point. Xx

Thank you, wise words x