Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dd to live with her best friend?

18 replies

skrappykat · 16/10/2022 16:28

DD has just turned 18. She's currently in her final year of college and next year she plans to go to uni, the uni she wants to go to is local but she wants to move into a flat. She's told me she wants to with her best friend, he isn't going to uni due to his anxiety and mental health in general but he also has ADHD so his parents don't think he'll cope with it, as he struggles with college.

He is a nice boy but I'm concerned especially due to his mental health and he doesn't currently have a job, he might get one but as horrible as it sounds he might use his mental health as an excuse as he did get a job a few months ago but quit for the same reason.

Am I overreacting and BU?

OP posts:
PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 16/10/2022 16:33

How’s he planning on paying for the flat then?

I wouldn’t worry - this is her thinking out loud but, on the info you’ve given, basically a non starter.

JellyBeanFactory · 16/10/2022 16:34

How are they intending to pay the rent? And food, gas/electric, council tax, phone/internet, leisure? Can she work and study at Uni?

I would see if she had a plan for all of this and go from there. It may sound all very exciting to her to leave home, but the harsh reality isn't so romantic! If she approaches it sensibly and with clear solutions, then maybe she's adult enough to do this?

I understand totally your reservations but if you are against it, she'll be for it!

OrigamiOwls · 16/10/2022 16:35

How are they both planning to fund this?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/10/2022 16:35

I'd let her just go with it. It's not likely to happen if he doesn't even have a job. Does she have a job/money besides a potential student loan?

She's probably just thinking out loud and getting over excited about a change

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 16/10/2022 16:39

If she shares with a non-student they will have to pay council tax, whereas houses where all residents are students are exempt from council tax, so it's a lot more expensive to live with him.

Entering into financial commitments with financially unstable people is clearly unwise but not many 18yos are interested in listening to wisdom.

skgnome · 16/10/2022 16:42

If your only concern is the financial side
just help her budget, she will either realise it’s not an option or may surprise you if they do have a proper plan

2bazookas · 16/10/2022 16:59

Tell her that won't be possible as she will be living at home to save money.
Her friend will not be living in your home.

merryhouse · 16/10/2022 17:25

2bazookas · 16/10/2022 16:59

Tell her that won't be possible as she will be living at home to save money.
Her friend will not be living in your home.

Errrmmm... did you miss the part about daughter being an adult?

I mean, if she isn't eligible for the full loan her parents can say they aren't prepared to make up the difference; but they can't dictate that she doesn't move out. They can point out all the advantages of staying put, and open her eyes to the reality of adult life (eg the council tax thing) but they can't forbid her.

Original poster
skrappykat · 16/10/2022 17:28

Yes, DD has a job and will probably keep it through uni. I'm not sure about how they'll afford it because friend doesn't work, I think he does get pip as he's told DD before, but obviously don't know how much or anything.

OP posts:
OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/10/2022 17:30

Actually, He would be liable for council tax. She’d not be liable for a penny. I can see what you’re worried about, maybe she’d be a bit of an emotional crutch

Georgeskitchen · 16/10/2022 17:51

YABNU. He sounds a bit draining tbh, without being unkind. Your DD is about to enter a new and exciting phase of her life.could it be possible she will be expected to be this person's carer and end up being held back from enjoying uni with new friends? I'm.sorry to be blunt but I would be very wary of DD getting too embroiled in this person's "issues" to her own detriment

Worthyornot · 16/10/2022 17:56

Yanbu, he will undoubtedly drag her down. I would point this out to her. Sounds like a very, very bad idea. She might even fall into a carer role for him without even realizing.

NeopreneMermaid · 16/10/2022 18:04

Wow. My two children have ADHD and autism. This is how people are going to be talking about them behind our backs in a few years, isn't it?

Worthyornot · 16/10/2022 18:11

So no job, not going to uni, no plans for anything..I would actively discuss and discourage your dd from getting herself stuck into this type of commitment. She is in a different phase of her life and this sounds like a very bad idea.

notameangirlhun · 16/10/2022 18:34

NeopreneMermaid · 16/10/2022 18:04

Wow. My two children have ADHD and autism. This is how people are going to be talking about them behind our backs in a few years, isn't it?

I mean this as kindly as I can, as my own DD is autistic and I myself have ADHD, but do you not find your own kids difficult sometimes?

I love my DD but her needs do make family life tricky for the rest of us and as I also have two NT DCs I definitely wouldn’t want them to change their lives/make sacrifices to support her, let alone a friend of hers. It isn’t their responsibility.

NeopreneMermaid · 16/10/2022 20:11

Yes, it's challenging. But I would hope that people would take the time to find out more about them and what the challenges actually are rather than assume.

NeopreneMermaid · 16/10/2022 20:12

The main issues here are whether DD and friend can afford to support themselves in a place of their own.

Kitkatcatflap · 16/10/2022 21:52

I understand your reluctance with them sharing a flat. Their circumstances are so different. If she is studying full time and working then being an emotional crutch at 18/19 may be a bit much.

Their financial situation may be a natural block, if they find a landlord willing to take a chance.

Perhaps, suggest she gets used to university life and finds her feet for the first term before she takes on too much.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page