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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I make up with my dad to please others?

14 replies

Kayos10 · 16/10/2022 13:30

Around 6 weeks ago I fell out with my dad on a huge scale. I had asked him for some advice re my teenage daughters behaviour but it ended up with him absolute slating me as a mum and telling me that my 2 youngest children (both ND) have the most atrocious manners and no respect. I was incredibly upset and through tears asked him if he thought I had ever been a good mum to any of my children and he refused to answer me saying he couldn't say it if had never seen it. My children are my world and after having split from their dad 2 yrs ago I've found it really hard at times. But they're happy, healthy and relatively well behaved (I think)

I haven't spoken to my dad since, he's always been strongly and contravercially opinionated so I shouldn't have been surprised but I felt this was a step too far and I'm still very upset to this day.

Fast forward to today and I've had a huge row with my sister because she says I've taken it too far and should now sort this out with him. Family wise it is just myself, my sister and my dad locally and we was all very close. The rest of our family are long distance although we all talk a lot on the phone and text etc. My older sister recently cancelled a trip to come and see everyone because she said it would be awkward with me and dad not talking. My dad has tried to reach out to me asking to meet through my sister passing on messages a couple of times and both times I have said I'm not ready to talk. He's never actually contacted me direct or tried to apologise, he even said to my sister that he doesn't feel he has anything to apologise for.

My dad's (long distance) girlfriend is visiting next week and again my sister is putting the pressure on to sort this out so they can see the kids. She's so annoyed at being stuck in the middle of this and just wants us all to back how we was.

So do I push my feelings aside and try and sort this out for everybody else's benefit? I'm never going to feel comfortable around my dad with my children knowing what he thinks of us all and I really don't want to see him. But I do feel bad that my sister is caught in the middle and that it's affecting family trips etc. I don't know what to do

OP posts:

lavenderlove · 16/10/2022 13:37

I think you should send your dad a message explaining exactly how hurt you were by his comments and I would make my decision whether to make up with him based on his answer to you.

OrlaCarmichael · 16/10/2022 14:10

Did he ever say anything like this when you were still with your DC’s dad?

What was the dynamic growing up OP? Was there any golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on?

It seems that you’re under pressure to consider everyone else’s feelings here. There’s nothing you’ve done to put your sister in an awkward position. It looks like they’re putting you in ‘the frame of blame’.

I’d be hurt and angry at the judgements too

Brigante9 · 16/10/2022 14:14

I think his behaviour was really shit. I wouldn’t forgive that easily. It’s up to him to properly apologise and sort out this situation.

LarryBlackmonsCodpiece · 16/10/2022 14:17

Sounds like you’re the scapegoat & dads got everyone doing the run around, his bidding for him, don’t be cowed into doing what they want, don’t be dragged into the games, ignore, take your time to decide what is best for you & your children, not whats best for everyone else.

Original poster

Kayos10 · 16/10/2022 14:18

OrlaCarmichael · 16/10/2022 14:10

Did he ever say anything like this when you were still with your DC’s dad?

What was the dynamic growing up OP? Was there any golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on?

I’d be hurt and angry at the judgements too

He had more to say about my ex because he hates him and my dad was the one who put the pressure on to leave him. I didn't see this at the time but I look back now and realise we'd probably still be together now otherwise (but possibly very unhappy so that's a confusing one).

There's never been any favouritism towards either me or my siblings and my sister has had her fair share of judgement and put downs.

The only difference between now and then is that my mum is no longer with us and she may have been able to control my dad's outspokeness and nastiness.

OP posts:

BuryingAcorns · 16/10/2022 14:22

Why is the pressure on you to make up, not on him to apologise for his aggressive outburst? Took me years to work out the family dynamic of: dad is unbelievably cruel. I dare to stand up for myself. Row. Silent treatment. Mum begs me to apologise to him. (For daring to be upset by his cruelty?)

I just stopped joining in this game.

You could say: I was profoundly hurt by dad's comments. Until he feels able to apologise for being so cruel and dismissive of my situation, my children and how I cope, then I see no point in us meeting up. Perhaps he could read up on how to support family members with ND children if he'd like to make peace.

LeMoo · 16/10/2022 14:22

Seems to be that you family are dismissing and minimising your feelings here, which isn't ok. Ynbu to need more time and space from your dad. The falling out isn't your fault and nor is the impact on others.

Ffsmakeitstop · 16/10/2022 14:24

The others are not in the middle of it. Presumably they are all adults who can choose to see you and you DC together and your dad separately.
I would find it difficult to forgive him especially as he's not the one asking.

girlfriend44 · 16/10/2022 14:41

Why dosent your sister if she's that bothered get him to contact you and sort it out.

OrlaCarmichael · 16/10/2022 15:29

@Kayos10
‘The only difference between now and then is that my mum is no longer with us and she may have been able to control my dad's outspokeness and nastiness.’

Sounds like they want you to be ‘reasonable’ because they know he won’t be.

Having a look at breaking the ‘Karpman Drama Triangle’ helped me in a similar situation

Merryoldgoat · 16/10/2022 15:35

Your dad was horrible to you. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He won’t approach you. All of your family are flying around to make you appease him.

He sounds like a bully used to getting his way and controlling everyone around him.

I would absolutely not be looking to make amends without a significant apology from him.

And why does he want access to these terribly behaved children? He is nasty OP.

LickThis · 16/10/2022 15:42

No I wouldn't, he's an adult he should know how to apologise. He is dragging your sister into it not you,
I bet he'll give you one of those ' im sorry you're upset' apologises

Always4Brenner · 16/10/2022 15:45

My father now dead begged me to get back with my sister I refused said ‘no all my life I’ve done what everyone else wanted’ I’ve never regretted my decision.

blubberyboo · 16/10/2022 16:02

It’s easier for your sister to make you do the apologising rather than her overbearing opinionated father.

I suspect you have both always been cowed by him.

by calling you names like a crap mother he is keeping your confidence down and this is playing into his personality.

as someone else said don’t play the game.

send him a simple message explaining that you were hurt and he was well out of order by criticising your parenting. When he is ready to apologise then you’ll be ready to move forward.

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