To have ex-husband as next of kin?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I continued to put him down whenever asked after we split because I thought that if anything happened to me I want him to know first so he could sort our children. My parents live 3 hours away so I don't see the point in them being listed as first priority. I don't have a partner or a friend close enough to consider putting down. Ex and I aren't on good terms - don't really speak, but I know that in an emergency he would put the children first.

This came up at work last week and apparently I'm wrong to do this. Someone said it's illegal to have someone who isn't a blood relative down if you're not married? I've had a quick Google and can't corroborate that. Someone else said he would be able to make decisions about my medical care. Again, I've Googled and it seems this is not at all the case but these people are adamant and were making me feel like a bit of an idiot for doing this.

I have never seen it as a legal thing, more of a practical matter of who would be best placed to deal with the children should the worst happen to me. Google suggests the term has no legal standing in the UK but people on here tend to be very knowledgeable so I wanted to ask - AIBU to do this?

The issue is the wide range of situations NOK has control over, yes it’s sensible if you’re arrested to have him contacted, or unwell.

but as yourself do you want him to be the one deciding to turn off life support, extreme version but something I’ve had personal experience with (family member whose ex was down as NOK when she went into a coma, was awful)

Loads of people have their ex down as NOK... I don't see an issue with it. He's not going to be switching off your life support machine is he, lets be realistic?- in your heart of hearts, would he really keep that information from your parents/kids/whoever?
However, what might work better for you, is to have your parents down as official NOK, but have him down as first contact. Lots of people do this- say, if NOK is elderly, hard of hearing, confused, likely to be stressed by such a phone call etc. So he will be contacted first but wont be officially the first to make decisions/inherit your pension etc.

Yes there's no way he'd be telling them to turn the life support off - he'd have to actually step up and do some parenting then! And, to be fair, he's lazy and selfish but not evil. Also, everything I've read says NOK has no actual legal standing in the UK?

One woman at work was adamant that she couldn't put her partner down legally as they aren't married so she has put her parents, but this doesn't seem to be the case?

In terms of inheritances, I have a will so him being next of kin wouldn't over-ride that I assume?

Default nok would be your kids, that's sort of a legal thing in that the state works it out and will always be a relative by blood or marriage. If you're asked for nok it's more like a nomination to override nok for a specific purpose, and may or may not be legally binding. So having a will means your money goes wherever you want instead of to nok.

NoK has no legal meaning. You can choose whoever you want, it doesnt have to be a relative. NoK also has no power to make any medical decisions, for that they need power of attorney but its the medics final decision, plus its useful to have an advance directive for yourself if you are concerned about health issues and decisions. Nothing overrides your Will.

If you want your ex to be contacted first then you can out him down as 1st contact then perhaps your parents as 2nd contact, but you may want to change that when your children are older or you are in another relationship.

I had my ex as next of kin because it was logical where the children were concerned and both my parents are dead and I’m an only child. As soon as my twins turned 18, We discussed the issue and now one of them is next of kin.

My ex and I always had each other as emergency contact when our children were still children because it made sense for the person who had the dc to be the first to know if there was something wrong with the other. He’d be in contact with my parents if he was ever put in the position of being asked anything medical, so I can’t see why it would be a problem.

It is not illegal!

NOK has no legal meaning in the UK it’s my pet hate and the NHS doesn’t help by asking for it. It’s actually who to contact in an emergency. They can and should be included in any discussions around medics care if you aren’t able but the medics would act in your best interests. Even if you have PoA for someone you don’t really get to make decisions about someone in an arbitrary way. You still have to make those decisions in the patients best interests.

A pp has talked about making the decision about someone in ICU and while the medics will have discussed it with the pp it should have been clear everyone was reaching a consensus as to what the right thing to do was. Medics aren’t always the best at explaining things though and that also annoys me as it means people feel the burden of making that difficult choice to withdraw life support.

Just put down your parents I’m sure they can phone your ex to inform him so he can sort out your children.

It's just a contact person.
I refuse to give a name because my parents are old and live in a different country.
My current work is fine about this, but someone tried to argue with me in a previous job. They couldn't force me though.

Nurse here. Quite common to have an ex put as next of kin especially where they share parenting. Absolutely makes sense.