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AIBU?

To sometimes feel I need an adult, then realise I am one?!

74 replies

Buttonmoonmrspoon · 15/10/2022 23:06

Does anyone ever find in some situations that they feel they need an adult for help or support, and feel that they’re not old enough / mature enough / smart enough to manage the situation? Then realise that they’re an adult, and probably the same age as others were when they used to think of grown ups being responsible and able to cope?

Not sure if that makes any sense but I know what I’m trying to say!

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Am I being unreasonable?

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readingismycardio · 16/10/2022 05:29

Yup! Turning 30 this year. When I feel like this I just call my mom

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AloysiusBear · 16/10/2022 05:40

Not any more! Im 37, if I can't handle it now when am I ever going to be able to. Tbh i think i stopped having that feeling probably within about a year of leaving university/starting work.

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SquirrelFan · 16/10/2022 06:01

All the time. In my 50s.

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containsnuts · 16/10/2022 06:08

Nobody knows it all. There are times when even the most 'adulty' person feels out of their depth and being able to recognise that is a good thing. Sometimes the best course of action is to call on someone more knowledgable and experienced for guidance.

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ThinkingForEveryone · 16/10/2022 07:49

I am done with being the adult. Every emergency decision falls to me!
It doesn't help that my husband is significantly older than me and he still looks to me to 'take charge' in any situation.
The thing is now, if someone tried to take the responsibility from me I probably wouldn't let them, I have been so independent for so long I don't think I could let go of the reins!

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UnderCoverFieldAgent · 16/10/2022 07:53

It’s even weirder in the supermarket when you hear a mum say to her child ‘hold on darling, the lady is looking at that, we’ll look in a minute’. Then I realise I’m the ‘lady’ 😆

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Rutland2022 · 16/10/2022 08:01

All the time. I hate it at work when I realise they are all looking to me. I much prefer it when my Dad is around, I happily let him take over.

I’m mid 40’s, married with DD and a senior leadership role. I’m still a shit adult.

I think Liz Truss probably feels the same way at the moment.

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FourChimneys · 16/10/2022 08:01

DD who is a perfectly competent young adult was staying for a few days. She found a craft kit which had been given to her years ago and decided to do it one morning. I had to go out for an hour, came back and she hadn't started it. "It says to ask an adult for help with the cutting out."

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Elfrazzle · 16/10/2022 08:04

@DifficultBloodyWoman

And, ironically, when my my mum was terminally ill with cancer, she told me how much she wanted her mum there for her too. (Although, she did say I was the next best thing which is now making me very teary.)

The power of a mother's love even when they are gone ❤ Well done on caring for your poorly mum. It would make me teary hearing that too - she must have been so proud of you.

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MooseBreath · 16/10/2022 08:05

Definitely. All the time. I'm 31 and regularly call my mom because I feel like I can't deal with a situation.

Weirdly, I am also often the "adultier adult" that my friends call.

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BayCityTrollers · 16/10/2022 08:10

Oh yes, all the time! I’m 48 and still don’t feel like a proper grown up.

Most recently was when dh was told he may have cancer, I definitely didn’t feel grown up enough to deal with everything. This is despite the fact I had cancer many years ago and we got through that okay🤔

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nonstoprenovation · 16/10/2022 08:18

Coffeeisnecessary · 16/10/2022 00:13

Yes. When my dh became badly unwell and hospitalised on a family holiday I kept wondering when the proper grown ups would show up to help me with everything. It took a lot to realise I had to be that grown up, it wasn't fun but also was liberating in a way to realise I could cope sometimes!

That's scary, hope he's ok

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Elfrazzle · 16/10/2022 08:19

Im the aduliest adult in my whole family ( at 39)despite being the youngest ( apart from my children). I am now in the position of caring for my mum who is declining physically and mentally. I have never felt like my parents were people I would ask for advice though, I've always been very independent. I know others my age that still rely on their parents for emotional support, childcare, fixing their car, doing their ironing etc which feels usual to me.

I fell lucky to be surrounded by more adulty people at work despite being senior and often the one in charge. In the last few years more dominant people in work have stepped back and I've realised the answers are all there I am capable of leading which has felt good.

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DinosApple · 16/10/2022 08:20

Haha, yes.
Despite being the meal planner, purchaser and 98% of the time the main cook at home, come 6pm it's still a shock that the someone that needs to make dinner is me!

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Campervangirl · 16/10/2022 08:29

In my extended family I am the adult, they call me "our grown up" or "the boss" because they all come to me for help/advice/money.
I'm mid 50s and desperately searching for my adult, anyone want the job?

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GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/10/2022 08:32

This happens to me, and I come across as a very competent, organised person who copes well in a crisis. What people don't realise is in said crisis I'm thinking: "oh I wish my grandma was here, she'd have known what to do. Right, what would she have done? I'll do that."

It's always my grandma, never my mum. My DM is a lovely, lovely person but has never been a grownup. The only reason she's survived this far is because she had my grandma and then me to look after her!

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UserError012345 · 16/10/2022 08:32

YES!!! this is most definitely me. I've found my people 🥰

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Lizthelettuce · 16/10/2022 08:46

That’s why I come on Mumsnet! To get help from the adults..

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Simonjt · 16/10/2022 08:48

Ha yes, I’m the only parent in my friendship group, so sometimes I’m seen as the designated adult despite possibly being the stupidest member of the friendship group.

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EthicalNonMahogany · 16/10/2022 08:52

I find I'm good at adulting for others, so what I want is a sort of life business partner - an adult who can engage with my everyday life and reassuringly coach me that I'm doing the right thing (from parenting to managing work to going up in the loft etc). And they could help at work too. I'd do the opposite version for them.

They would need to have less skin in the game than DH and be wise and experienced.

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mondaytosunday · 16/10/2022 09:07

Absolutely. I've been a widow since my kids were very young and I sometimes wish I could at least share the adulting in my household. I have to make ALL the decisions, take ALL the responsibility, do ALL the life admin.
My mum was quite ill the last few years of her life, and we did most of the adulting things for her, but oddly enough the fact she was alive meant there was still someone ultimately older and more 'adult'. When she died, though things didn't change in a practical sense, there was a psychological shift - the buck really does stop with me now.

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dumbstruckdumptruck · 16/10/2022 09:10

HighlandPony · 15/10/2022 23:11

No. I’ve been standing on my own two since I was much younger than most. I’m vehemently the opposite. I need to do things myself. I never take help never mind ask for it and I just get on with whatever’s thrown at me. Any suggestion of help will probably get your head bitten off and I need to work on that a wee bit. I was living independently at sixteen and married and running a house at 19 and I sometimes find myself with my friends older kids going wtf? Why can’t you cope with this?

This will probably really annoy you, so I apologise in advance, but this made me want to give you a massive hug.

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dudsville · 16/10/2022 09:15

I'm similar to @HighlandPony , in the rare occasion someone tries to guide me i wonder what's going on. I'm comfortable and confident going about the tasks of living, oerhaps also reinforced by being in a senior leadership role most of my career. I'm also happy to take hugs @dumbstruckdumptruck !

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Bagzzz · 16/10/2022 09:24

5foot5 · 16/10/2022 00:39

This reminds me of somebody I know who had a bad nose bleed when there was only her and her Dad in the house. Neither one knew what to do, but she remembered that her old Brownie manual had a section on first aid.

Her Dad got the manual and found the advice for a nose bleed and they followed the instructions for taking a firm grip and holding the head - back or forward? See, I can't remember which. But then the last instruction was to get an adult. They were a bit stymied with that one.

Forward - ice can also help. it’s one of the few things I can deal with well until it is really serious (I get bleeds that can need hospital.)

otherwise I need a real adult all the time.

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Oysterbabe · 16/10/2022 09:26

DH and I are in our 40s and will both still call our parents for advice on situations.

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