Triggering behaviour

[UndertheCedartree]

My mind's all over the place and I just don't know what to do. Please be patient that this may not be the easiest to understand.

I'm staying with my parents with my 2 DC. Not stayed with them for 7 years due to Covid and other things.

I'm struggling. The other night my dad shouted at my DS for absolutely no reason. He did this all the time when I was growing up and was always arguing and shouting with my mum. I said how dare you shout at him. If you do it again I'll punch you in the face! (I know not my finest moment. I have EUPD and can be very impulsive). My mum said nothing when this happened and it is the first time I have realised why people say my mum didn't protect me. When I spoke to her about it later she said he didn't know what he was doing, he didn't mean it. And asked if my childhood had been so terrible, I admitted I'd struggled a lot and she said (no kidding)...'We took you out on lots of trips...'

Then today we were looking at a timetable for a land train. He couldn't understand it but I explained it and said when the next one was. He told me that was just an assumption - I explained it was based on what I'd read he just continued to invalidate me. (I.e he couldn't understand so of course no one would be able to) So we went to get lunch and lo and behold the land train turns up. But he still didn't even apologise. Later he goes to get the car. My mum sends a message of the street we are on (which is pedestrianised) but didn't send the road this road crossed with so there was no way to know where on the road we are. He has a go at me for the fact he drove past the road we were on countless time expecting us to see him. This was impossible from where we were. I asked if he had the name of the road ours crossed and if not why not ask and he just shut me down. I told him my therapist has said all the invalidation during my childhood has been one factor in causing my EUPD and when he does it now it affects my mental health. He just sarcastically said my therapist knows nothing about him.

I just can't cope with this all. I think I need to go go low or even no contact for my own sanity.

Can people tell me how this worked for you you if you did that. Did you feel better? Did it cause a lot of upset? If low contact - what does that look like? xxx

Anyone?

I'm not really understanding but if you feel you need less contact then go for it.

Low contact for me would be seeing them once a fortnight or month just as a drop in visit. Let your dc see their GPs and vice versa but make damn sure you're there to ensure behaviour is acceptable to you. Absolutely no need to be going out together.

I'm LC with my parents but it's easy because they're miles away and they're not overly interested in my life. Didn't have a great childhood but my dc love the idea of their GPs and the reality is also fine.

Currently we see my dad about 3 times a year. But they are moving next year and will be in the same country as us. I'm dreading it. I feel I need to sort this now.

The fact that neither are willing to face up to any of this has really upset me. Because I tried to open up and explain things. Things that professionals have said. But he took no notice.

You've got to look after your own mental health for the sake of yourself and your children.
Toxic and negative people especially parents can cause so much pain.
Best to distance yourself if you're feeling you should.
It doesn't have to be nasty, you don't have to
challenge or critique behaviours just limit your time or distance yourself.
I had to do this myself and feel much better for it.

TBH the blaming of your mum doesn’t sit right with me, and I’m not sure he sounds like the kind of person who would ever be receptive to ‘my therapist says you’re the cause of all my problems’. Did you expect him to have any self-reflection when you said this?

Threatening violence isn’t cool either. I’m not sure looking for direct reasons as to why you’re angry is especially helpful. Sometimes we just have bad days! But I’d be going home I couldn’t be arsed with the aggro.

I'm guessing you threatened him as you are mirroring behaviour. Your son saw you stick up for him, which is good, but obviously the threat of violence, especially in front of your child isn't acceptable.
It sounds as though your therapist has taught you to recognise and make sense of his toxic behaviour. He is obviously not a man you want around yourself and your son, and because of you find his behaviour triggering he is going to bring out the worst in you.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your dad also has EUPD. (Or some other PD). Environment is a huge factor when developing these issues. Well done for working on yourself! One massive advantage of parents moving back is that you don’t need to hang out with them for such extended periods. Just stop explaining yourself to him.

Yes, this is it. I don't want to cause any kind of uproar or drama. But his behaviour hurts me so much.

It's not blaming my mum are such. But she chose to stay with my abuser and allowed things to happen to a certain extent. That is what is meant by she didn't protect me. But of course she isn't responsible for his behaviour.

I didn't say he was the cause of all my problems but told him how the invalidation had affected me. I was desperately hoping he would self reflect. But now realise he never will.

And I completely agree, me threatening violence was out of order. I can't afford flights to go home early, nor do I want to spoil things for my DC. Just need to get through next 3 days.

Thank you for the insight. He hit me a lot when I was young. But, my threat was unacceptable and yes, especially being in front of my son. It is so strange, but I feel I am starting to understand so much that professionals have told me. And it is very uncomfortable.

I have a parent with a personality disorder that very likely came through her own childhood trauma. I'm genuinely and profoundly sad for her. However, her behaviour towards me is not ok, she refuses to alter it (or can't) and denies/invalidates/dismisses anything I have to say that she, for any my minor reason doesn't want to hear. Me telling her how I feel when she does it is almost like a green light for her to ramp it up!

I'm no contact and it's painful and it's sad - mainly because it's an acceptance of the reality of the relationship. But it's also amazingly freeing. I have got off the hamster wheel of dealing with whatever she does and have been able to get on with healing from what she did.

It's not right for everybody and I wouldn't say it's easy - I have felt very guilty at times - but it's one of the best things I've ever done. And I should add that it's a relief to know she can't do those things to my kids too.

Thank you 😊 And thank you for the advice.

Thank you so much for your experience and insight. I'm so sorry for the difficulties you have been through. Would you mind if I ask if this parent lives with another parent of yours? As I want to keep contact with my mum. Like you I really don't want my DC to be affected by his behaviour.

It's the constant judgement that gets to me too. For example I took my DD to a shopping centre. When my DD was excitedly showing her grandparents what we bought, my dad just tuts and shakes his head. Yes, we're on a low income, but I have saved money for the trip. There was 3 clothes items from high st type shops plus Pjs from a supermarket. I have to buy her clothes anyway, of course. Then she had spent her pocket money on some clothes for her dolls. I'd also bought some cheap Halloween crafts from the supermarket and a big bag of popcorn for the DC to share. He makes me feel like I'm being too extravagant. He constantly criticises everyone. He started complaining about something my children's other grandmother did almost 10 years ago!

This is the father who physically abused you when you were younger, to the extent that Children's Services recommended that your children not be alone with?
You don't want your DC affected by his behaviour, but you're still putting them in harm's way by staying there?!