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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed friend assumed I'd care for DB

122 replies

PlinkPlonkFizz · 15/10/2022 22:13

My DB has autism, learning disabilities and challenging behaviour. I love him dearly and understand him very well, enjoy his company but also find him very challenging as my parents indulged him. They rarely used respite when we were growing up and DB comes first ahead of everything which I understand but also feel frustrated by sometimes.

Talking with a friend recently I said I would not assume the role as DB's full-time carer when my parents die. She said "oh, you're very hard". I was really furious because I think she has zero idea what it takes to care for someone like DB, but is happy to judge me. I don't think I should have to chuck my career away either. AIBU?

OP posts:
LaLaLouella · 15/10/2022 22:15

No, of course you aren't.

You can support him and make sure he is cared for properly but you absolutely do not have to be the one doing the caring...

QueenBodicea · 15/10/2022 22:19

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Being a carer is a huge responsibility and not one to be assumed lightly no matter how much you love someone. Even if your friend is a carer herself of somone with similar needs she still has no right to judge you on what you feel you can willingly take on.

x2boys · 15/10/2022 22:21

My youngest son has severe autism and learning disabilities, I would never expect my oldest son to care for him he has his own life, I would like it if he visited him and Checked he was OK like any sibling ,but no I wouldn't expect anyone to be s full time care it isn't fair.

TrainspottingWelsh · 15/10/2022 22:24

Of course not. Your friend is a dick. Even if they are saying it because they don’t understand the commitment required, they are still a dick to pass judgment on a subject they are ignorant on.
Ask your friend if they’d like the role. It’s clearly so easy that as such a morally superior person they should have the decency to take him on as a hobby.
Not quite the same but I had an ex friend that said similar when I said I wouldn’t be doing anything to support my abusive nc parents when they got old, and although I don’t wish them ill I won’t be mourning them in the way I would my best friends parents, or my in-laws etc. ‘yes but they’re your parents’. Yes, but as you have fuck all understanding of the subject you aren’t in a position to comment.

LeMoo · 15/10/2022 22:33

Unless you've been a carer, you really can't understand the stress and strain of it. Yanbu and it sounds like your friend has been lucky in her life so far.

azimuth299 · 15/10/2022 22:54

That's a horrible thing to say, I suppose it's easy to judge from the outside if you've not really thought about what such a responsibility would entail.

Tell her that if she's so concerned she can care for him herself!

FTMFML · 15/10/2022 23:02

I could have written the exact post about my DSis.
However... I cannot imagine her ending up somewhere with people who will not care for her like her family will. I Know she would get great care somewhere but as a nurse I know that - I hope to treat everyone the same great way as I would with my family, but I cant... you always go above and beyond for your own.
So she will always be with me, its a big sacrifice and one I think about most days but one I am willing to make.
But no your not being unreasonable X

Y7drama · 15/10/2022 23:06

easy for her to say when it’s not her life. You deserve your own life

Itisbetter · 15/10/2022 23:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to keep your career etc but I don’t see why caring for your db means “hands on caring” surely you can manage his care as you would if anyone else you loved needed that oversight?

Summerfun54321 · 15/10/2022 23:23

I can’t imagine you being your DB’s full time carer would be your parents dying wishes. I’m sure they would want you to be happy and life a fulfilling life. You can be there for him and support him as a sibling and a friend, but there’s no need to be his carer.

ArcaneWireless · 15/10/2022 23:24

Me too FTM

Parents just now. Same as you in years to come.

It does get too much some days and the alternatives don’t work so I muddle on.

Folk have no right to pass judgement on this type of situation OP.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 16/10/2022 18:15

Itisbetter · 15/10/2022 23:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to keep your career etc but I don’t see why caring for your db means “hands on caring” surely you can manage his care as you would if anyone else you loved needed that oversight?

Because he has serious, untreated and now intractable special needs such as OCD, challenging behaviour, a mental age of 6, anxiety, obsessions, non-stop talking and uncontrollable epilepsy. It would absolutely mean hands on caring 🙄.

OP posts:
Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 16/10/2022 18:17

Summerfun54321 · 15/10/2022 23:23

I can’t imagine you being your DB’s full time carer would be your parents dying wishes. I’m sure they would want you to be happy and life a fulfilling life. You can be there for him and support him as a sibling and a friend, but there’s no need to be his carer.

It's not my Mother's wish for me. It is Father's but that's because he thinks all women should assume all the caring, cooking and cleaning in all households.

OP posts:
Obki · 16/10/2022 18:19

Itisbetter · 15/10/2022 23:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to keep your career etc but I don’t see why caring for your db means “hands on caring” surely you can manage his care as you would if anyone else you loved needed that oversight?

Why does she have to manage his care at all? Is it because she’s a woman?

Chikapu · 16/10/2022 18:25

You're not being unreasonable at all, your parents need to make provisions for his care now and not automatically assume that it will fall to you. I know that sounds harsh but it's not ok for anyone to expect you to sacrifice your life to become a carer.

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 16/10/2022 18:27

Wow what a dick comment of then. Yadnbu

BeautifulWar · 16/10/2022 18:27

She's an absolute twat on this subject, try not to take it to heart. I speak as the sibling of someone with classical autism and someone who has cared for a terminally ill partner.

If you're not a willing carer, you will damage your relationship and both your lives. You'd be much better placed to give your support and love from a different angle. Not being someone's main carer didn't mean that you don't care or that your input isn't valuable.

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 16/10/2022 18:28

Chikapu · 16/10/2022 18:25

You're not being unreasonable at all, your parents need to make provisions for his care now and not automatically assume that it will fall to you. I know that sounds harsh but it's not ok for anyone to expect you to sacrifice your life to become a carer.

My Mother would love to plan his future but is too scared of my Father. Father won't even allow discussion of respite without getting terribly cross. I'm so concerned about DBs future, perhaps that's why my friend's comments really upset me.

OP posts:
YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 16/10/2022 18:29

YANBU, I have told my dc they are not under any circumstances to take on care of their brother when I am gone. They have their own lives to lead and he is not their responsibility.

whiteroseredrose · 16/10/2022 18:30

YANBU. You have your own life to lead. You will probably want to visit your DB but that is it.

PrioritiseCalm · 16/10/2022 18:30

Your friend is being very unkind. And sounds very naive.
If course you shouldn't take over op.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/10/2022 18:31

I worked with a lovely man whose DS had SEN and would never be able to live independently. He spend a lot of time looking into residential care and set everything up when he'd found the perfect place, including taking his DS to visit to make sure he'd be happy living there. Your Dps should be doing the same if at all possible, not deceiding that it will be your job when they're gone

PrioritiseCalm · 16/10/2022 18:31

Itisbetter · 15/10/2022 23:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to keep your career etc but I don’t see why caring for your db means “hands on caring” surely you can manage his care as you would if anyone else you loved needed that oversight?

🙈

Original poster
PlinkPlonkFizz · 16/10/2022 18:32

whiteroseredrose · 16/10/2022 18:30

YANBU. You have your own life to lead. You will probably want to visit your DB but that is it.

Definitely, I'd be happy to have him stay with us at the weekend regularly too, but I wouldn't be able to take on more without compromising my MH.

OP posts:
PrioritiseCalm · 16/10/2022 18:34

You don't need to justify your reasoning op. Any rational grown up will understand X