To ask how you deal with childhood trauma TW contains some sexual abuse

[Asking22]

I was beaten by my mother as a child and young adult and badly neglected also. Looking back to my childhood I clearly had anxiety and depression for most of my teens which was largely ignored and I have never been able to get out of the mess I'm in mentally. I don't think I have ever truly felt happiness about anything, even the small achievements I have made I don't really care or value them the way others do. I have to pretend to be happy for others who share something joyful too as I feel guilty for being a misery and don't want to spoil it for them. I was relatively successful in my career, own house etc and to outsiders I was regularly told I had my shit together but what they couldn't see was a recluse who never left the house or spoke to others other than for work reasons, would spend 20+ hrs a day in bed on days off/holidays dreading the next day. I've managed for the last 15 years but 5 years ago I started to struggle even more and I no longer work as I just physically can't face it anymore.

As well as the abuse from my mother I was sexually assaulted a couple of times when I was around 8 years old by a female relative. It's taken a long time to accept what she did was wrong. But now I don't know how to process that information or how to deal with the other non-sexual abuse. I've accepted that they are likely the root of the mental health problems I've had for such a long time but again I don't know what to do next.

I approached my Dr about my depression a couple of years ago who was good in that she ruled out every possible physical reason for the depression, however didn't disclose at the time what I have written above. I've tried various anti depressants too without any success on lifting my mood or clearing the constant daze I seem to be stuck in. I was also given a selfcare CBT thing to do which I feel resulted in the breakdown I had before stopping work. I know I probably need counselling but don't know how to access it. I can't afford private sessions. My GP surgery no longer has any GPs either so it is impossible to actually make an appointment to try and talk to someone about my options.

Apologies that was long and not really sure what I'm asking exactly.

Google NAPAC.org.uk

They are good at what they do and I think they’ll be able to help you.

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that op. I went for counselling to deal with some unresolved childhood trauma a few years ago and it can make you feel worse initially because you're maybe talking about and starting to process things that you've avoided or ignored for a long time. The first time I went I stopped, and then I went back to it later and found it very useful although I would say some of the benefit of it clicked with me months after I'd actually finished the counselling. So its very much part of a process and I think it's good to be prepared for that going in. You should be able to access counselling through your gp on the NHS and there's various community counselling groups that will give you around 6-8 free sessions to start you off and then they will negotiate an affordable rate with you if you need more past that. There's also charities set up to directly support people who've experienced sexual abuse and that would be free. Without knowing where you are based its hard to make specific recommendations but I do think it's a really strong first step that you're acknowledging that what happened wasn't ok, wasn't your fault and that you absolutely do deserve support to help you move forwards.

I've been through a very similar thing, OP.
Therapy with a clinical psychodynamic psychologist (depth work) was right for me.
I tried anti depressants too.