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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

A DH one

7 replies

TiredOutMumma · 15/10/2022 21:04

Ugh I just need a rant and a chance to have my head wobbled for me! Don't read if you can't be arsed to read trivial marital nonsense!

My DH has a stressful job and has a piece of work that needs checking and emailing out before or on Monday. He was saying he'd need to do it over the weekend - fine. Each weekend we give each other a lie in as we have a two year old, and DH takes two year old to football for an hour Sunday morning and I tend to take DC to the park with me Sat morning. Anyway today DH had his lie in and I got up and looked after toddler. When DH got up I asked if he was going do his work this morning and get it out the way. He said no, as on second thoughts he felt like he didn't want to waste his weekend on this work and was going to push it back until Monday. He said he'd like to go out and get coffee together, so we ended up going out to the duck pond as a family and then doing family stuff this afternoon too. All afternoon he's been snappy with me which I've tried to overlook as I got the feeling his work was stressing him out.

This evening it's DH turn to put toddler to bed as I've done it all week as DH works long hours, so he normally does toddlers bedtime story on Saturday. However toddler is crying for mummy so I end up doing it anyway. When I come down DH is really stressy with me saying he's going to have to do his work now tonight as he can see there won't be any other opportunity this weekend as no doubt I will want my lie in tomorrow morning and I will expect DH to take our child to football which he does on Sunday mornings. He wonders why he sees other mums there and why I can't go along sometimes, even though I point out that the timings mean I'd have to skip my lie in.

I think he's stressed about his work but I was annoyed because the implication was I should offer to give up my lie in (which coincides with football starting).

I don't think it's fair when he could have done his work earlier today and I was ready and prepared to take toddler all morning. DH said he's changed his mind since then and is feeling stressed about the work so wants to do it. Fair enough but then that's his choice - he could have got it done this morning.

Instead he's told me I'm being inflexible, and that I've created stress. He's gone off to work when we were planning to watch strictly and have a takeaway. I asked if he wanted me to sort out his dinner and he said no, he'll order himself a late night pizza.

AIBU to be annoyed that our evening has been ruined and annoyed that the blame's been put on me for being inflexible when really DH just needed to communicate his thoughts about his work stress with me better?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 15/10/2022 21:07

A bit. If he gets his work done tonight you get your lie in tomorrow.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/10/2022 21:09

Don't allow him to put the blame on you. He's the only one who's responsible for his work shit and you need to stop tolerating his moody nonsense. You are not his emotional punching bag. Nip this in the bud now because you don't want your child witnessing this toxic dynamic.

JRHartly · 15/10/2022 21:12

YANBU about the lie in, he can’t decide to do the work when you’re having your lie in.

YABU about the evening being ruined, if he has the motivation to work on it now, then let him
crack on.

GoldenSpiral · 15/10/2022 21:15

He's annoyed that he has responsibilities outside of work on top of a busy workload and he's taking it out on you. That's life with a young family though. He had an opportunity to do the work this morning as you pointed out. Don't give up your lie in!

WizardOfUK · 15/10/2022 21:15

YANBU this mess is his alone, and not of your making. Being stressed with work is awful, I've been there myself, especially if work needs doing on the weekend. He chose not to skip his lie in today and spend they day with you instead of working. He's stressed and pissed off and taking it out on you which isn't fair. He's lashing out at the wrong person, making up issues such as your lie in, inflexibility and not going to watch the football, it's just an excuse to have a go at you because he's annoyed with work

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 15/10/2022 21:29

DH is really stressy with me saying he's going to have to do his work now tonight as he can see there won't be any other opportunity this weekend as no doubt I will want my lie in tomorrow morning and I will expect DH to take our child to football which he does on Sunday mornings. He wonders why he sees other mums there and why I can't go along sometimes

So this is him telling you that he expects you to sacrifice YOUR lie in for him, not for him to sacrifice his own lie in or to miss out on fun family time. Ask him why, then leave a silence. Indeed you WILL expect your lie in tomorrow - just as he expected his today 🤔

I would also be very, very cross about the comparison with "other mums" and would expect an apology for that. What's he's actually implying you should do, never have a lie in but make sure he gets his?

londonmummy1966 · 15/10/2022 21:40

I agree with outfoxed that he is basically saying that he thinks his lie in is important but yours isn't. I'd tell him straight that the only person creating stress is him as he chose not to do the work earlier when you offered the opportunity.

As far as the football is concerned tell him that if he wants you to take DS to football next weekend you're happy to do so - provided you then get the Saturday am lie in instead. Point out that your DH therefore needs to get DC up and out of the house to leave you in peace to sleep. He'll no doubt find its harder to have to entertain him at the park than just stand there on the Sunday morning.

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