Page 2 | People who just talk to fill silences

Offandonagain · 2022-10-15T19:03:40+00:00

Is it just me or are the people just so exhausting to be around?! I have a family member visiting, been here for 3 days and I haven’t really taken in a word she has said as I know she’s not actually bothered that I’m listening! It’s mostly about her friends, or neighbours who I don’t know. It’s probably partly me as I just don’t care for small talk, and we don’t see each other very often. We have nothing in common so have nothing of interest to actually talk about. I guess I’d she didn’t talk then there’d probably just be empty silence. I do still find it exhausting though, to be talked AT, rather than TO.

woodhill · 15/10/2022 20:37

Mil is exactly like this. She is a widow and tends to be quite insular

Especially about people we do not know and she can never be quiet - so draining

Ooh she is really lovely

kittenkipping · 15/10/2022 20:39

I'm a nervous chatter and when people ignore me and don't answer or act vacant to what I'm saying I feel lonely and insecure because I'm boring them, so I cast about for another topic to interest and engage them and my insecurity and awkwardness just increases. Why invite me if you don't want to chat? Do you even like these people on your house? Why did you invite them? Why can't you make polite chit chat? Change the subject of the current subject bores you?

XenoBitch · 15/10/2022 20:40

YANBU, I find it exhausting too. Sometimes I want to sit in silence.
I have a friend who has 'pressured speech' so she literally can not shut up at all. I like her, but I find seeing her difficult.

Vikinga · 15/10/2022 20:41

So what happens if you try and talk about politics, or history or literature or whatever interests you? Do you start more interesting conversations?

Original poster

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 20:45

kittenkipping · 15/10/2022 20:39

I'm a nervous chatter and when people ignore me and don't answer or act vacant to what I'm saying I feel lonely and insecure because I'm boring them, so I cast about for another topic to interest and engage them and my insecurity and awkwardness just increases. Why invite me if you don't want to chat? Do you even like these people on your house? Why did you invite them? Why can't you make polite chit chat? Change the subject of the current subject bores you?

They’re family and it was my 9yr old’s birthday a few days ago. That visiting for that but staying for a week 🙄

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Sillybanana · 15/10/2022 20:46

I do this sometimes, I annoy myself! Silences make me feel uncomfortable though. I think I’m being boring and the person doesn’t like me if it goes quiet..just the way I am!

Sillybanana · 15/10/2022 20:48

On the flip side, I think people who ask you to meet them/come over and then sit in silence are rude too.

Original poster

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 20:48

Vikinga · 15/10/2022 20:41

So what happens if you try and talk about politics, or history or literature or whatever interests you? Do you start more interesting conversations?

We might occasionally get a 5-10 minute interesting conversation going that we both engage in and she listens to.

She doesn’t live locally, so visits tend to be full day affairs. I can cope with an hour here and there,, such as is a normal friend relationship… but all day is tiring

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Sunnytwobridges · 15/10/2022 20:51

I’m weird because I hate small talk but I find silences so awkward. It’s why I hate visitors or hanging out with people one on one. I even get anxious if I’m dating someone and we run out of things to talk about, I always see it as the relationship is in trouble as I feel that we should always have something to chat about

lljkk · 15/10/2022 20:54

ha! I babble, but in my defence, I try hard to ask the other person questions & get them to talk. I'm excellent at getting people to talk when I put my mind to it, 1-to-1 anyway.

Vikinga · 15/10/2022 21:02

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 20:48

We might occasionally get a 5-10 minute interesting conversation going that we both engage in and she listens to.

She doesn’t live locally, so visits tend to be full day affairs. I can cope with an hour here and there,, such as is a normal friend relationship… but all day is tiring

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Well then the problem is that she's a shit conversationalist, not that she fills silences.

I have friends and my family who I can spend hours and hours talking to and enjoy it. And then know of some people who I could happily chick out the window, their conversation is so boring.

But i also know some people who are hard work to get a conversation going with. Most conversations start off with something mundane and then evolves. But you have to start somewhere. And people who don't chat back and just answer question, means that you never get beyond that.

Hawkins001 · 15/10/2022 21:05

I can understand your perspectives op, the difficulty I have is trying to extract the information i want to know about, vs what they discuss.

Original poster

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 21:09

Vikinga · 15/10/2022 21:02

Well then the problem is that she's a shit conversationalist, not that she fills silences.

I have friends and my family who I can spend hours and hours talking to and enjoy it. And then know of some people who I could happily chick out the window, their conversation is so boring.

But i also know some people who are hard work to get a conversation going with. Most conversations start off with something mundane and then evolves. But you have to start somewhere. And people who don't chat back and just answer question, means that you never get beyond that.

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Maybe you’re right! I’m pretty introverted though, so maybe it’s my fault!

I can spend 2 weeks with my mum and sis and be absolutely fine! Same with my dh! But this relative I really struggle with. I don’t think it’s me. I think we are just completely different and thrown together due to family ties.

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pastabest · 15/10/2022 21:19

The problem is those who talk at you, rather than to you.

They monologue about mundane stuff, only stopping to check you are still listening to them as they follow you round. talking at you.

They don't genuinely seek your opinion on the subject, only your acknowledgement/agreement with what they are saying.

The reason it's draining is because it's not a conversation, it's a filibuster.

Windtunnel · 15/10/2022 21:25

Just another aspect of human nature....not much you can do

ICanHideButICantRun · 15/10/2022 21:27

Could you go somewhere for coffee on your own before you get home, rather than having to rush home from work and face her? Is she looking after your DC?

Thinkbiglittleone · 15/10/2022 21:39

I agree that people who you have to drag a conversation out of are exhausting over people who chatter.
I'm a chatter I think, once I know someone anyway, at first I'm quite shy, I just find it exhausting people arranging to catch up then just stand there. This is acquaintances/friends through the kids. Not my proper friends we all just chat along.

I don't mind someone saying shall they kids meet up, then when they do meet, sitting on another bench/table etc, but if you place yourself in my company, why just sit there with nothing to say, I find it a little weird or appreciate they are very shy maybe.

But I do hate people who talk and then they just wait for their next turn to talk rather than actually listening to what you have to say, or are rude with their phones etc when you are talking.

Original poster

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 21:57

pastabest · 15/10/2022 21:19

The problem is those who talk at you, rather than to you.

They monologue about mundane stuff, only stopping to check you are still listening to them as they follow you round. talking at you.

They don't genuinely seek your opinion on the subject, only your acknowledgement/agreement with what they are saying.

The reason it's draining is because it's not a conversation, it's a filibuster.

This is exactly what she is like!

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ridemesideway · 15/10/2022 22:01

pastabest · 15/10/2022 21:19

The problem is those who talk at you, rather than to you.

They monologue about mundane stuff, only stopping to check you are still listening to them as they follow you round. talking at you.

They don't genuinely seek your opinion on the subject, only your acknowledgement/agreement with what they are saying.

The reason it's draining is because it's not a conversation, it's a filibuster.

This is my mum, unfortunately.

She just cannot let a conversation ‘breathe’ and talks non stop.
She also definitely has some hearing loss, which I think is part of her inability to share conversation, yet she refuses point blank to have it checked.
I can only spend a certain amount of time with her because I feel like my head’s going to explode at the chatter.

Original poster

Offandonagain · 15/10/2022 22:01

ICanHideButICantRun · 15/10/2022 21:27

Could you go somewhere for coffee on your own before you get home, rather than having to rush home from work and face her? Is she looking after your DC?

I might do that tomorrow!… She’s not officially looking after my kids… my eldest is 13 and looks after himself after school. My 9yr old is booked in to after schools club but relative has been picking her up early

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Annoyingkidsmusic · 16/10/2022 12:09

Eugh my mil is exactly the same. Pointless gossip about people I don’t know, and I’ll never meet. Nonsense about the local Tesco being re-merchandised. Gets huffy and defensive if you don’t agree with her even on meaningless things like brand of butter. Just constantly talks, talks, talks at you.
Boring, tiring, draining. What frustrates me the most is none of her chat is ever coming from a good place of how are you, are you actually ok? (Recently had a very difficult time after a traumatic event)
Just a constant monologue of her thoughts. She utterly bores me to tears. Unfortunately she has no self-awareness and just bulls on, talking relentlessly, whether you’re engaged or interested or not.
I’ve actually just declined a visit from her… she’ll likely not talk to me for a fortnight as she’ll take a huff. Silver linings and all that…

PugInTheHouse · 16/10/2022 12:14

I talk a fair bit but do like to have chill time and don't feel the need to fill silences.

My mum is awful for this, watching a cricket match for example and she will talk solidly. Watching DS perform as he sings in pubs etc and she will talk through the whole thing even though she loves it. It's completely exhausting. I just sit somewhere else away from her.

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 16/10/2022 12:15

My step-son used to be like that and would even say ‘awkward silence’ if it went quiet for more than about 5 seconds. What he didn’t get is, that in our house, we like the peace and quiet. We’ll happily sit reading, on our phones or kitting and we don’t always need to speak. At his house it’s talking shouting constantly. He’s admitted that he actually prefers our house because he can chill out!