AIBU to be so hurt that my husband is in a new relationship when I asked him to leave?

[Pixiepearl]

My husband and I are getting divorced. We have been married for 13 years and have two
children at primary school. The relationship was always a bit complicated but we were happy
enough to stay together, have kids, etc. Despite the difficulties we both saw a future together. He was always quite selfish and lacked emotional intelligence, which was the basis of most of our problems over the years. But he was an attentive and engaged father and we enjoyed family life.

Last year he had a stroke. I was with him when it happened and called the ambulance. It was very traumatic. Because of covid I couldn’t go with him to the hospital where he had emergency brain surgery that saved his life. We couldn’t see him for ten days after that because of covid. When we finally did see him, he had a significantly altered personality towards me and the children. He looked straight through us. He returned home soon after that and I cared for him. He recovered from the physical disabilities fairly quickly but he does have a brain injury and he was angry, aggressive and unpleasant to me and to the children. We struggled on for 8 months. I was working full time, looking after the kids and caring for him. I struggled and asked family for help with his aggression on many occasions. There was very little understanding for me. I was told I needed to remember my wedding vows, and put him first, I worked too much (we had one wage coming into the house and a mortgage to pay) and other quite sexist things. My husband treated me like a servant and when I tried to address this with him he would become aggressive and break things in the house. The situation got so bad I asked him to leave temporarily to give me and the children some respite and he went to live with his parents a few minutes away.

As soon as that happened he declared that I ‘had kicked him out’ and as far as he was concerned I was ending the marriage. That was 6 months ago. Since then he has been reluctant to do anything with the children (he only sees them twice a week) as he claimed he was too fatigued and as I ‘kicked him out’ I couldn’t expect him to help with the kids. He send me abusive messages, calls me names and goads me. A couple of months ago he took off his wedding ring, started internet dating and petitioned for divorce. This all came as a shock to me. Me
and the kids are dealing with a lot, school, money, work, the grief of losing the man we knew. My son is having support for his depression and anger. He missed his dad terribly.

Since he left the house we have a better routine, there is a stable and calm atmosphere in the house which the kids desperately needed, and in a lot of ways I am happier. My husband is now in a new relationship and is rubbing it in my face. It has shocked me how hurt I am. It stings and I’m struggling. Not sure what I’m looking for. Not sure there are any answers.

Oh op that's tragic, I'm so sorry this happened to your family. It must be so difficult. Brain trauma is such a difficult thing and because it's so unique to the person it can be really hard for others to fully understand it and I'm sure that must feel lonely at times. You had to put your kids first for their sakes and it's sad he's not able to understand the impact his behaviours are having on those around him or perhaps exercise control over himself enough to change it. Could you speak to his parents maybe if you're on okay terms with them and ask if they'd be able to help or encourage him to reflect and be more involved with the kids? You're not being unreasonable to feel that way about a new relationship, you're absolutely grieving the partial loss of the person you loved and the loss of the future you had planned. Grief isn't a straight road to feeling better it will hit you harder on some days than others and it's important you have support and a way to explore those feelings for yourself as well.

It sounds like you accepted that his poor treatment of your was a result of his stroke and brain injury, but if he can be pleasant to someone else then why not you?

What a difficult situation for you and your kids - I'm not surprised you're feeling hurt but hopefully in time it will subside as you enjoy the calm and peace of not having to deal with him.

You poor, poor thing.

of course it stings- because you still love the man he was and the life you had. It hurts to see your kids hurting. And now on top of all of that he’s continuing to actively try to make you unhappy. It must be unbearable.

I’m not sure what to say - but didn’t want to read & run.

💐

I am so sorry for you and your DC, OP.
Brain injuries do cause personality changes quite frequently. Mine changed me. Although the brain re-wiring for me makes me cry at the drop of a hat and be over sensitive, it didn’t make me over-angry or abusive. But still it was really hard on my DH and DC as the person I was no longer existed. Fortunately, we found a way to all love each other and for me to accept the new me.

But anyway, I think you have to accept the person you loved & married doesn’t exist any more. He is gone. And in his place is someone with no intention of loving you, a person you do not recognise. A person that was being abusive to you and in front of the DC. Think of it as grieving. I’m so sorry you had no support either during this difficult time, these things have huge ripples outwards.

Focus on you and the DC. Don’t worry about him.

It stings and I’m struggling

There are a few things wrapped up in this, I'm not surprised you're struggling. he wasn't a very kind person to you to start with, and he became much worse after the stroke. I suspect you're still missing (and grieving for) the good bits of family life you used to have.

I also suspect that after you've done so much for him, only to be treated like shit, you fear that he's being partner of the year to his new gf. Loving, kind, not demanding that she caters to his every whim and getting nasty if she doesn't. That you've put up with the very worst him, and now she's getting the hearts and flowers. Which is (I again suspect) the image he's sending out when you say he's rubbing your face in it.

Let him go, and don't let him get to you. If he is being bf of the year right now he won't be able to keep it up, the mask will slip. He's a horrible piece of work, even if the stroke did make things worse that they were. Give yourself time to process what's happened. You've been wrapped up in his life for so long, eventually you will take the good things from your new life Since he left the house we have a better routine, there is a stable and calm atmosphere in the house which the kids desperately needed, and in a lot of ways I am happier. It will be hard for your son because he doesn't know the background, but hopefully he will come to realise that things are better now.

I've put yabu because you are better out of it. The reasons you stayed together before the stroke were probably not strong enough to last, and certainly not strong enough to last happily anyway.
Plus he will revert to that behaviour, he might be playing at Prince Charming now but it will return.

Look after yourself and the children, the long term pay off will be worth it.

But you did kick him out.

You've ended the relationship. He can see who he wants- so can you.

Firstly I am so sorry this has happened to you .I think long term illness/a brush with death can alter someones personality .At the moment the person you loved has sadly gone .Stay strong for your DC .You are grieving the man you once loved .Men often seem to find a RL quickly ,but he will probably not last the course! Try to concentrate on you and your DC ATM.He is probably missing them but his injuries are stopping him from being their dad that they knew and loved too

Of course it stings - and more. You have been robbed of the man you loved, and this angry cruel stranger is walking around in his body . He is gone and you are grieving, your grief made all the worse by being robbed not only of him but of all the rituals that could bring comfort - the funeral, the finality, the definite end and new beginning. Instead, you must deal with this cruel stranger thrashing around in your and your children's lives, extending your pain for no reason other than he can.

And you're dealing with all this unsupported.

"I struggled and asked family for help with his aggression on many occasions. There was very little understanding for me. I was told I needed to remember my wedding vows, and put him first, I worked too much (we had one wage coming into the house and a mortgage to pay) and other quite sexist things."
The family you asked for help - your family or his family? You said his parents live "a few minutes away", so I'm going to assume his. Since he moved to his parents' house, how have they been towards you and the DC? Have they maintained their relationship with their grandchildren?

The reason I'm asking is because I think their support would make a difference, and because you haven't mentioned them apart from what I quoted, I suspect they've abandoned you and their grandchildren. You describe your pre-stroke husband as "quite selfish and lacked emotional intelligence" - their comments suggest that they fit that description too.

Are you able to ask for support, practical and emotional from your family? Or friends?

Sadly, all you can do about him is to hasten the divorce and sever ties as quickly as you can. Keep reminding yourself that this is not the man you once loved but a cruel stranger who unfortunately knows you all too well. What your buttons are and how to press them.

And who is frankly fucking with your children's heads -"My son is having support for his depression and anger. He missed his dad terribly." You say "he only sees them twice a week" - does he instigate that or do you? Does he ask to see them - and why? Does he see them as his children, or as a weapon to wield against you? However much your children miss their dad, their dad is gone and this stranger may be someone they need protection from.

If this behaviour is the result of a brain injury, then he'll be the same with the new lady. If he isn't, then he's just a dick. Time will tell.

Thank you all. I have had a fractured relationship with his family but they do help. They too were traumatised by the events and they recognise and acknowledge the personality changes. The divorce will be sorted and I will support him having a relationship with his children, for their sake.

To person who said ‘I did kick him out’ and ‘I ended the relationship’. I didn’t. He left so we could have some respite from the situation. He came over everyday for about a week and every weekend for a month or so he ate with us and stayed over. I encouraged him to help with the bedtime routines and be more involved. But that had to stop as it was always aggressive with everyone getting upset. He considered the relationship over, I did not. I didn’t end the relationship. I loved him and I still do. Whether I love the man I remember or the man he is now is unknown but the heartache is real.