To automatically trust someone or build it

[Georgiarule]

I’m seeing someone, friends for years.

Having a discussion and I said I’m trying to build trust in the relationship and get to understand him. Im not a naturally trusting person due to past experiences which I’m working on. His response was he trusts people automatically until they show him a reason not to and I should do the same.

Yabu - it’s standard for people to assume trust
yabnu - to think you build trust as your relationship matures

You’ve been friends for years but you still don’t trust them? How? Why?

I'm with you, op
Trusting someone as a friend can be different from them as a romantic partner

I assume a very basic level of trust in this situation as you've known him in some manner for years so I'd leave my bag with him while I nipped to the loo in a restaurant or get a lift home.

I wouldn't share financial information, invite him to live in my home or share my deepest darkest secrets. That builds over time.

Trusting someone’s intentions and letting them in, is very different to the basic level friendship we’ve had.

I am automatically OPEN to trusting someone, but I neither trust nor distrust someone from the get go. Both come over time.

I trust him on a friendship level and then trusting him with my feelings and intentions is very different

It just takes time.

Hard to trust everything they say and do, plus their intentions

We’ve had a very basic friendship since meeting on a night out 8 years ago. When he had a long term gf he didn’t speak to me during that period.

@ClaryFairchild

I agree I am the same. I have been cheated on by all my parents and it makes it very hard to trust someone 100% from the start.

Moved our date night after saying he was struggling with time this week to another day as his friend has last min made plans. Hurt my feelings and made me question if he’s interested

I really like this quote: Trust arrives on foot leaves on horseback. So trust takes a while to develop but once it's lost, it's lost immediately.

@OnTheBrinkOfChange I like that! And totally agree

I said I’m trying to build trust in the relationship and get to understand him.

I find this a bit weird -it means “I will set you little tests which you must pass.” which is an odd thing to say, never mind do.

Everyone knows that trust is built up over time, it isn’t something that is ‘actively’ built up, but usually more organically through seeing whether they react with integrity when they have the chance not to- regardless of whether you are directly involved.

I completely get the feeling of “anything you say maybe be used in evidence against you.” but the test there is not so much whether they would embarrass you, but whether you would immediately dump them afterwards?

@FreudayNight that was not what I meant at all. I don’t naturally trust someone from the start. It builds from their actions not me testing them