To think this is cruel

Ohwellwhateverthen · 2022-10-14T21:11:20+00:00

Just heading home from an evening out with NCT parents, and for the 3rd time been witness to a conversation around how to get a toddler to stop cosleeping because there's a new baby on the way. The baby is due next week!! And their 3yr old has coslept from birth, now suddenly they want him in his own room. A week before a new baby arrives. Another couple had the exact same thing over the summer and another pair a month or so before that. I'm probably being uncharitable but to me it just seems unspeakably unkind to the toddler to boot them out of their bed just before they get a new sibling and their whole world turns upside down. Surely, surely as soon as you find out you're pregnant again you gently transition your kid out of your bed, so it's not sudden and traumatic and associated with the baby?! All of these couples were talking about this like it was a perfectly normal thing to do! Surely it's not?

HighlandPony · 15/10/2022 00:47

It’s how it was done in our day. I remember it happening to all my siblings younger than me. All my cousins and my friends too. We survived.

Keyansier · 15/10/2022 02:45

How utterly abusive to give a child their own room. They should all be sharing the same bed and one duvet. Won't someone call social services? Etc, etc.

PickAnyName · 15/10/2022 02:49

It seems the perfect way to set up resentment to put an older child in a separate room immediately a new baby arrives. Better to have a gradual transition so that older child is used to being in their own room and doesn’t feel pushed out. Or have both children in parents’ room.

allboysherebutme · 15/10/2022 02:53

I agree with you, I'm all for the softly, softly approach.
If fact I didn't stop my son from co sleeping because his brother was coming along, he still slept with me and the baby was in the crib.
Once they were both old enough to go in the bedroom together, we'd all go in their room to read together, then they'd listen to stories and fall asleep, while in pottered around.
Sometimes end up in my bed before the morning, sometimes not.

feathermucker · 15/10/2022 02:56

How did you transition your older child to their own bed when your second one came along?

Unspeakably unkind?! Really??

Poppins2016 · 15/10/2022 03:19

I agree with you. It's not about what they've done (own bed and room is fine!), it's about how they've gone about the transition.

New bed(room) = unsettling
No longer sleeping with Mummy & Daddy = unsettling
New baby = unsettling
The combination all at once potentially leads to much more emotional upset than necessary. To be honest I'd also worry about how the parents would deal with the older siblings emotions at a period of high stress/tiredness if it's not obvious to them that this could cause a great deal of upset.

We co-slept with my older child. In the months before his sibling was born we transitioned him to his own room, so that he didn't associate no longer 'being in Mummy's bed' with 'being pushed out by the new baby/rejected by Mummy'.

Vecna · 15/10/2022 03:33

I agree. Sure, he'll survive, but it will likely cause more upset and jealousy than necessary. I began transitioning my (at the time) 16-month-old out of my bed as soon as I got pregnant. He's jealous enough without the baby kicking him out of his bed too.

Still, it's none of our business. Just be satisfied that the child is loved and cared for and give it no more thought. It is enough.

StClare101 · 15/10/2022 03:44

Not cruel but definitely stupid to have not tackled it a few months ago. Prediction- they will be getting up to two children.

ReeseWitherfork · 15/10/2022 03:54

Setting themselves up for issues aren’t they. You don’t introduce such a big change at the same time as another big change. Why make life hard for yourself?!

Interestingly, we never coslept with our eldest at all but started when DT were born. He wanted to be in our room, me and DH were in survival mode, and it just worked. I don’t think he could understand why his sisters were in with us and he wasn’t 🤷‍♀️

furrytampon · 15/10/2022 03:59

how have all 3 couples done this so close to the arrival of the new baby if only one was recently? I thought NCT groups were comprised of women pretty close in due date. Surely if the other couples did this over the summer/ months before the summer, that’s plenty of time to transition the toddler

Original poster

Ohwellwhateverthen · 15/10/2022 04:03

Keyansier · 15/10/2022 02:45

How utterly abusive to give a child their own room. They should all be sharing the same bed and one duvet. Won't someone call social services? Etc, etc.

You've missed the point entirely. It's not moving the older child into their own room that I think is unkind, it's waiting until the week before a new baby is due and doing it super suddenly. That just seems unnecessarily harsh to me.

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Original poster

Ohwellwhateverthen · 15/10/2022 04:04

furrytampon · 15/10/2022 03:59

how have all 3 couples done this so close to the arrival of the new baby if only one was recently? I thought NCT groups were comprised of women pretty close in due date. Surely if the other couples did this over the summer/ months before the summer, that’s plenty of time to transition the toddler

NCT group for the older children, all the toddlers are the same age, 2nd babies are happening in dribs and drabs.

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Original poster

Ohwellwhateverthen · 15/10/2022 04:08

Very gently, as soon as I got the positive test, so that by the time the baby arrived the toddler had been sleeping alone for 6 months and was totally used to it.

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StupidSmallFruit · 15/10/2022 04:09

I don’t disagree with you, but people often kick things into the long grass - it’s human nature.

Yes, it’s unkind. Just be thankful you have control over your own kids.

HappyHappyHermit · 15/10/2022 04:09

I do see what you mean and leaving it to the last minute feels unnecessary, but with young children it's often all about how you sell it. So making it a reward that now they get to have their own room with some sort of bedding they've chosen and love and their very own special night light that is just for them etc.

Wilburisagirl · 15/10/2022 05:02

PickAnyName · 15/10/2022 02:49

It seems the perfect way to set up resentment to put an older child in a separate room immediately a new baby arrives. Better to have a gradual transition so that older child is used to being in their own room and doesn’t feel pushed out. Or have both children in parents’ room.

Exactly. Better not to make any major changes just before or just after a new baby arrives or it can cause a lot of hurt, anxiety and resentment.

girlmom21 · 15/10/2022 06:12

I don't think it's cruel, I just think it's a bit daft.

AnnapurnaSanctuary · 15/10/2022 06:17

I agree your way would have been better OP. I guess they thought "oh we've got a while yet" and it sort of crept up on them.

deathofthesnark · 15/10/2022 06:29

feathermucker · 15/10/2022 02:56

How did you transition your older child to their own bed when your second one came along?

Unspeakably unkind?! Really??

Not instantly when the new baby arrives?

Surely this just says to older child " you're not important and have been replaced "

ISpyNoPlumPie · 15/10/2022 06:57

Why is it so important to you that other people parent in the way that you think is right? If their toddler is up in the night and unsettled I’m sure they will deal with it and adjust their expectations. You decided how you wanted to manage this transition and they get to do the same for their families. Are there any other reasons to think they are anything but kind, loving parents? I wouldn’t judge and I wish people would stop judging others parenting choices. There are lots of ways to be a good parent. You don’t have to deal with the fall out if it all goes wrong and you don’t know their kids like they do - maybe it’s the right thing for them.

Ekátn · 15/10/2022 07:02

The timing is probably poorly planned.

But cruel and unspeakably unkind? Is really over dramatic. And judgmental.

I don’t think it’s ideal. But why would you even bother with ‘friends’ who are cruel and unspeakably unkind to their children?

Sounds to me you are going over the top about how bad they are. People usually do that, because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Anneofwindypoplars · 15/10/2022 07:06

Don’t you think there’s a chance they could recognise this?

Original poster

Ohwellwhateverthen · 15/10/2022 14:09

ISpyNoPlumPie · 15/10/2022 06:57

Why is it so important to you that other people parent in the way that you think is right? If their toddler is up in the night and unsettled I’m sure they will deal with it and adjust their expectations. You decided how you wanted to manage this transition and they get to do the same for their families. Are there any other reasons to think they are anything but kind, loving parents? I wouldn’t judge and I wish people would stop judging others parenting choices. There are lots of ways to be a good parent. You don’t have to deal with the fall out if it all goes wrong and you don’t know their kids like they do - maybe it’s the right thing for them.

Because I think as parents it's our responsibility to minimise distress to our kids wherever possible, and instead they're making it worse.

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Kanaloa · 15/10/2022 14:19

I think it’s bad timing. I know lots of parents who also start their child in nursery right before a new baby is due which I think is bad timing. For me, I think things should be kept as even as possible since there’s already one big change happening. I don’t think it’s a great idea to uproot everything all at once.

W00p · 15/10/2022 14:29

Putting an older child into their new big boy/girl bed to transition them to their new role of big brother/sister is not cruel.