To have called the police without permission *TW*

[boranora]

I thought I was doing the right thing but I'm not so sure now. DS is 17, his friend told me (with DS’s permission, as he didn't want to tell me himself) that DS met a man last year on a dating app (I did know he had one, but I made him delete it as soon as I found out), DS said he's in his 30s (he thinks), DS’s friend said DS was in a ‘relationship’ with him and thought the man liked him, this man would demand to see DS whenever he wanted. DS tried to split up with him, but he's been threatening DS to make him see him, and pressuring him into having sex, despite DS saying no, he'd constantly ask to make DS give in and ‘consent’.

I called the police but DS refused to speak to them and is angry at me, saying it’ll just make the man hurt him if he finds out (I've not given a full name as I don't know it), that its ‘fine’ and told me to forget what I was told. I just didn't know what to do and maybe I did rush into things but I just felt like a bad mum for not noticing.

WIBU?

You need to support your son and apologise

you had no right to call the police, and have most likely shattered any trust you had. Which you will need to help get him through this, as you will need him to open up so you can help.

Why did you make him delete the dating app?

You did the right thing. Your DS is concerned enough to want you to do something about it but has probably been freaked out at the zero to 1,000 mph of having to speak to the police - in his perception.

are there other support services locally he can access for support as he may, understandably, feel uncomfortable discussing these issues with you, the police or the man he's seeing. He needs support and is asking for it. you might just want to slow down a bit

(Asking to get some background on how you and he interact)

Nobody gives us a guide book on how to deal with this sort of thing. We have ours kids feelings to deal with as well as our own. I'm sorry you're both going through this.

Ywbu, although I understand why.

Your ds has been violated and had his choices taken away and overridden by this man. Then he bravely finds a way to tell you and you take his choices away again.

You should absolutely apologise, explain your reasoning, and then listen to him, and what he needs.

Make sure you also have someone impartial to speak to as well.

This is very harsh. DS is a minor, being threatened, groomed & potentially sexually assaulted. Calling the police is entirely appropriate.

I totally understand why you did what you did but unfortunately it was the wrong thing to do really

Being raped means having your control of a situation taken away. It is very important when supporting rape victims not to force them into situations where they feel like they are not in control.

If your son is not comfortable talking to the police, which is understandable, it would be far better signposting him towards counselling.

It’s not appropriate when the victim doesn’t consent to them being called.

absolutely disgraceful, this teen has been abused, sexually assaulted and threatened and then his mum takes more choices away from him by calling the police behind his back, when it could cause things to escalate for him.

She needs him to trust her to help him, and doing this will have shattered said trust

Oh, your poor Ds.

He asked his friend to tell you presumably because he wanted your emotional support and was frightened, and needing advice.

I think for now you need to apologise to your Ds for jumping the gun, and tell him how brave he was to tell you. And that he has done nothing wrong and this is not his fault.

And rebuild from there.

Outside support agencies if he thinks that would help, talk about ways to keep him safe from this man, and in time, if he agrees, re-connection with the police.

But he will need to be feeling strong to do that, and fully confident about what coercion is and how serious lack of consent.

I really hope you and your Ds can come back together: all strength to you.

So yes, bottom line is he's legal but he's found himself in a coercive relationship aged 17 and is reaching out for help.

personally, I would have had a conversation with him, set out how he is being abused and co-erced and that he should at least leave the relationship, if he wasn't able to compute then I probably would have gone to police.

The above is harsh, but I actually agree.

YWBU but I understand why.

Your son has been sexually assaulted, coerced and suffered mental and sexual abuse, going by what you have said above.

By calling the police without talking to him first, you've removed any control from your son, thrown him back into that trauma, and it's yet another thing he didn't consent to.

I understand why you called the police, but I also understand your son's position. Perhaps some counselling with a crisis service may have been a better option. Please don't try and force a victim of sexual violence to do anything against their wishes or blindside them.

I made DS delete the dating app as he had just turned 16, and I didn't want anything like this to happen. I have apologised to DS but he's gone to stay at his dads and has said he doesn't want to and won't talk to anyone about it. I just don't know how I didn't spot anything was going on

I understand why you did what you did and in hindsight you would probably do it differently.

Apologise to your son, tell him you understand why he's annoyed with you but you love him so much and hate to see him suffering that you just wanted it to stop immediately. Keep reminding him that you are sorry you made him feel worse but you did it to try to protect him and didn't mean to hurt him.

He’s angry you called the police because he’s scared of the consequences. You absolutely did the right thing but don’t back away now, you need to do more and know more. What exactly is your DS scared of? How might this man hurt him and when? Does he need collecting and dropping off at school for a while in order to feel safe? Keep asking for professional advice, if he’s at school I would speak to the school or college. If this was your DD how would you act? You should do exactly the same for your DS. He’s in an incredibly vulnerable situation right now, possibly more so than before so you need to help him navigate out of it.

I don’t have any suggestions but can you constact a sexual assault charity and explain what happens and how to help him/give him their contact details? Maybe write him a letter apologising for your drastic action and you want to regain his trust and help him and stop him being scared of this man.

Jesus wept, do NOT speak to the school behind his back, that's absolutely terrible advice.

Don't make any decisions for him, guide him, talk to him, listen to him, and allow him to make choices about his abuse for himself.

This is about supporting your ds, not telling people about something that happened to him without his consent.

I messaged him last night and told him I love him and I'm sorry but I hate to see him upset and he told me to leave him alone. I really don't know what to do, ex doesn't know and DS told me he doesn't want to tell him yet, so he won't be getting any support again, I know I shouldn't have done it but I wanted to protect him

What was your apology like. If it was a sorry but... it wasn't really an apology.

What a horrible situation for you all.

Like a PP said, there is no manual. Because of his age I can see why the lines are blurred on what the right response was. You weren't wrong to ask him to delete the dating app. I'm sure there's an 18 minimum sign up age.

Our first instinct is to protect and I can see why you'd be looking to seek justice.

As the non victim you have jumped a few steps.

Perhaps with hindsight you could have encouraged your DS to speak to them himself. It may have taken a while and a lot of encouraging if at all.

In terms of the perpetrator - send the ex round to 'have a word'!!!

You did the right thing OP. He's a minor. I would have explained that the police needed to be called and done things as slowly and gently as possible but stood firm on the police involvement. Most 17 year olds would say to leave it/it's fine. But would probably be angry with you down the line when their brains have developed/they've processed their feelings and realise how they were taken advantage of. He may be angry now but when he's older he'll understand.

However in the meantime he's likely to feel let down so I would apologise for causing hurt but explain you have a responsibility as a mum - and good citizen - to do what you did. As that man will undoubtedly target other children if he keeps getting away with things.

tough all round but don't beat yourself up.