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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be offended by this comment ….

31 replies

Feelingfree · 13/10/2022 23:45

Short back story, I’m late 50s and have been single 6 years since ExH cheated and we divorced. Was married nearly 30 years and haven’t dated since. I’m happy with my life but am open to another relationship now.

I was talking to my hairdresser about OLD and I said I’ve never had much luck as I’m fairly plain looking. She replied “not every man wants a beautiful woman as they worry another man would try and steal her”. On reflection I’ve read this as whoever dated me wouldn’t have to worry about another man showing interest.

Am I being over sensitive here ?

YABU - yes you are being over sensitive
YANBU - no, that was a nasty comment to make

thank you

OP posts:
Obki · 13/10/2022 23:48

YABU I’m afraid. If you refer to yourself as plain then you can’t be surprised be if someone refers to it obliquely.

In what way was it nasty? She did not call you plain.

PoundOfNesh · 13/10/2022 23:49

You’ve read it the right way, but it’s true and not that mean in the grand scheme of things.

CallTheMobWife · 13/10/2022 23:49

I don't think it was nasty. I mean, not to be rude, but do you think you are beautiful? If not, was she supposed to insist you are?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/10/2022 23:49

I think she said something quickly, trying to be supportive, but it fell flat. I sincerely doubt she meant to hurt your feelings.

BertaHoon · 13/10/2022 23:49

YANBU she put her foot in her mouth big time.

However, bear in mind she has to adjust to speaking to so many people that she probably ends up just agreeing with them and not really thinking.

I'm sure her mind went clang, but trying to dig yourself out of that hole... !

I wouldn't take it personally. I wonder how many other clangers she had that day!

Aeio · 13/10/2022 23:49

You said it first, she was just responding to you.

Imissmoominmama · 13/10/2022 23:50

She responded to what you said, not what you are.

BertaHoon · 13/10/2022 23:51

I take back my YANBU as in no way do I think it was nasty.

Therefore YABU.

ErrolTheDragon · 13/10/2022 23:51

I think YAB a bit U - I think her comment was very much responding to you saying you were 'plain looking', and she was trying to reassure you (albeit not in the best way) that men would be interested in dating you.

Ludo19 · 13/10/2022 23:52

Completely agree with @Aquamarine1029

She was trying to put her thought forward and it came out wrong. Try and not take it to heart, it might have stung but it wasn't an intentional slight by the sounds of things.

Original poster
Feelingfree · 13/10/2022 23:55

@Obki I don’t mind being plain or her agreeing, it was the bit about men wouldn’t have to worry as it’s unlikely anyone else would be interested

@CallTheMobWife certainly not beautiful and didn’t expect her to say I was. I was just left feeling flat after the comment

thanks for the quick replies, I’m probably over thinking this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingfree · 13/10/2022 23:59

@Imissmoominmama I didn’t think of it that way, thank you

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 14/10/2022 00:02

It was clumsy of her, people say all sorts to try and sound re-assuring. You had made a self deprecating comment so…

Obki · 14/10/2022 00:06

@Obki I don’t mind being plain or her agreeing, it was the bit about men wouldn’t have to worry as it’s unlikely anyone else would be interested

I don’t think that was what she meant. She was actually saying men will be interested in you. Some men are intimidated by beauty.

CheezePleeze · 14/10/2022 00:07

YABU and overthinking it.

From the hairdressers point of view (and why would they be 'nasty'? They've no reason to be), it's just shop talk...chit chat that they make, day in/day out with clients.

You referred to yourself as 'fairly plain looking', which probably made her feel awkward anyway, and she just replied with whatever 'silver lining' she could think of to make you feel better, but it was clumsy and backfired 🤷‍♀️

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 14/10/2022 00:13

I would be offended that she thought a woman was a 'thing' that a man 'has' that could be 'stolen' by another man. You know, rather than a human being of equal status with agency in their life.

Greyarea12 · 14/10/2022 00:19

I think this is just a case of she has spoke before thinking and didn't mean any offence.

1982mommaof4 · 14/10/2022 00:26

YANBU!!!

WarrenGRegulate · 14/10/2022 00:40

Oh gosh, this has reminded me of a comment my brothers friend said about me, in front of me, to a male friend of his…(I was 18!)

“yeah, you want someone like WarrenG, good enough but not so that anyone else will be after her”

…words to that effect. Yeah, cheers mate.

Anyway in response to your post I can totally hear my hairdresser saying this to me if I said what you had. I wouldn’t worry in the slightest. I don’t think it was a nasty comment, just a statement regarding men and dating/relationships, she probably wasn’t even referencing/thinking of you when she said it (knowing how my hairdresser rattles on, like a constant running commentary that never runs out of steam and wouldn’t make any difference if it was me or King Charles sitting in the chair)

Original poster
Feelingfree · 15/10/2022 00:40

@WarrenGRegulate I don’t think meant to be nasty at all but the comment made me feel like shit, I feel invisible as it is and the comment just amplified this feeling.

Oh the joys of being single in your 50s

OP posts:
MangyInseam · 15/10/2022 01:59

I think she was trying to comfort you because you think you are unattractive - she was saying, even if you do, that's not what all men are looking for.

The only other option would be to challenge your assessment of your looks but she may have felt that would be presumptuous, or still leave you feeling badly because you wouldn't believe it.

She may or may not think you are actually unattractive.

mycatisannoying · 15/10/2022 07:29

It's not something I would have said. But she did take her lead from you.

dudsville · 15/10/2022 07:33

She's spoken indelicately but not offensively. Brush it off.

QuietNeighbour · 15/10/2022 07:51

She missed a trick to say the haircut would make all the difference!

TiaraBoo · 15/10/2022 08:04

YABU
I interpret it as you’ll get all the men as they’re not looking for just beauty