To think my mother is toxic..?

[northernlass1988]

I separated from my partner in January and me and our 2 children (the youngest being a few months old) moved in with my parents. My ex refused to leave the house, and I can not afford anywhere on my own. I work 2 days a week (sat and sun as that's the only time I can get childcare) and get UC. My parents never asked for any money (if they had and had a serious conversation with me, I would of course have set up a direct debit) I've been trying to save for my own house for me and the children. I've been very grateful for them for giving me and my children a roof over our heads while allowing me to get some money behind me even if it's not much.

My mum had a troubled childhood and often gets drunk in secret on a night.

My daughter is only just 1, and my mum wanted to get a puppy. I said I wish she wouldn't as I know how hard it is with young children in the same house. Dad is 71 (mums only 50) and he hasn't the time or energy for one. She wanted one, so got one. Since getting it she's been away at a friends.

The puppy chewed the only pair of trainers I have for work while I was out, and it also bit my daughter face so it bled. I can't put my daughter on the floor as like a puppy does it just goes straight for her.

My ex came to pick up my daughter and noticed the scratch. He said something along the lines of it'll get a boot up it's arse if it does that again. In a lighthearted way. When he left mum said I can't believe he said that. I said well I kind of agree, my daughter comes first?

She then went on to say how it's her house and she should be able to get a dog, that it's more than dogs house than mine and my daughters.
I'm selfish, I haven't paid anything, I'm jealous of her. I said she didn't deserve my daughter - she said she doesn't care if she never saw her again.

Bear in mind - she never got my daughter anything for her first birthday. Nothing. Nor her christening. Never gives her any attention. If I'm cooking tea she will let her cry rather than pick her up to help me. Won't ever watch her so I can just nip to the shops. I mean she's my daughter and my responsibility and I love her dearly so if I have to struggle I do, but she just does not acknowledge her and it makes me so sad. She acts like her (and mine) presence is a burden.

She will let me struggle which is fine but will take her (rich) friends daughter to the dentist every week and basically do anything she wants as she has bipolar so needs support?

I'm a single mum with a young child but apparently I don't. I had to take her to the dentist when I went with my eldest, including having to leave her buggy downstairs and carry her up the stairs and she wouldn't come with me.

I have the option of either declaring myself homeless (been on council list for months with no luck), move in with someone I've been seeing which isn't an option, or move back in with my ex.

AIBU? Am i asking too much of her?

[Ludo19]

Oh it's a tough one. I think it was maybe a bad move for her to get a puppy while you and the children are there. I guess it's her house so her choice?
I do think she could make more of an effort to engage with your daughter though.
As for the puppy biting your daughter it won't have been malicious so that needs to be put into perspective and they shouldn't be left alone together as pups are very mouthy. I do think your ex was out of order to say he'd boot it's arse.....its a puppy so I can understand why your mother wasn't best pleased.

[northernlass1988]

@Ludo19 thank you. X

[Keyansier]

You need to move back into the house with your ex in order to keep your children safe. You may not want to do it, but if you have nowhere else to go then you don't really have an option.

I can't believe your ex's reaction to your daughter getting bit in the face by a puppy hard enough for her to bleed was to just make a joke about it and you agreeing with him. What the hell is wrong with the pair of you?

Your mother clearly doesn't want either of you living with her, and you're judgmental about her getting a puppy saying your dad can't keep up with it, as though a baby is any better? It's her house, and she's got the puppy. You're the parents, so you both need to decide what's happening next for the sake of your children. A two month old won't be able to defend itself from a puppy attack as much as a 1 year old could.

[Discovereads]

You cannot stay at your mums. That “puppy” is a danger to your DD. Your mum is definitely toxic and it’s probably why she got the puppy. She doesn’t give two shits about her granddaughter. You need to keep your DC away from her.

[Rosiecass]

It sounds like your mum has some issues of her own, stay focused on getting your own place and stay strong.
In the meantime, Puppies play, jump nip and scratch, it's mostly play to them but, if you can , use safety gates or keep doors closed so the puppy can't do anything when your daughter is on the floor. It's important for the puppy to be included in seeing your baby but , do that when you're holding her .
Hopefully you'll be able to get your own place soon

[Thistlelass]

What is the relevance of your mum drinking at night? You need to make alternative arrangements for yourself and your child.

[LovedFedAndNoonesDead]

I think your mum is telling you loud & clear, by her actions, that she doesn’t want you and your children living in her house and is doing things she knows will make it less welcoming to stay - the puppy, not comforting her grandchild while you’re busy, not watching the children while you shop/got to the dentist. I don’t think her behaviour would be any different if you were contributing towards living in her home.

I would arrange with your ex to move back in there; he can spend time with the children and, as their other parent, be involved with watching them while you run errands or are busy cooking etc. You can still save towards finding your own housing but your children won’t be in an unsafe, unwelcoming environment with someone who is actively behaving in a way to make your life more difficult.

[Brigante9]

Are you on the mortgage of your house with your ex? I’d move back in if your safety isn’t at risk and see a solicitor about selling it/getting an occupation order.

[northernlass1988]

Thank you everyone.
@Thistlelass the argument was last night after I am sure she'd been drinking. But she point blank denies she has so you never can tell for sure.

She comes in this morning saying "morning" so I give a half hearted "morning" She said "you alright?" I said "yeah thanks" She said "why are you like that with me, you seem like you’re sulking?" I couldn’t be arsed this time of morning before work, and just said "nowt I’m just tired". She said she isn't going to work today as she's got a bad stomach. I just said “oh dear”

I could safely live with my ex there's no domestic violence or anything there was verbal abuse during the relationship though.
My name is on the mortgage he just refuses to leave. He's hoping I'll go back I think. I looked into a solicitor but it was £150 ph just for an initial chat then something like £300 ph after that. I don't have that kind of money