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AIBU?

To blame porn for marital issues?

19 replies

Disillusionedthesedays · 13/10/2022 21:15

DH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 12 and have 2 gorgeous children.
We are, basically, happily married, and I should say that I have no desire to be with anyone else.
But, over the years things have really changed between us sexually and I am scared it is ruining our marriage.
DH has always watched porn. All his life. When we met, it made me feel anxious at first. That i wouldn't be able to compete. But it also made him racy and exciting in bed and I went with it.
But cut to 12 years later and I am now in my late 40s, post 2 kids, with flabby bits, saggy bits and a lower libido (plus lower desire to please).
The fact is that I no longer get off on being sprawled, completely naked, with everything on show, in strong light while DH explores every inch of me. I just feel embarrassed, stressed and a bit miserable. But (due to the porn) DH can't get off any other way. I blame the porn for desensitising him to such a degree that he can't seem to enjoy what I fancy - intimacy in the dark, under the covers, where I can share myself heart and body through touch.
He says it has nothing to do with porn. That, in fact, the vast majority of men watch porn and all his past lovers have fuked this way (he never calls it making love or sex, always do i want to fuk). He says that we should use all our senses in sex, especially the visual, to get the full experience.
He blames the problems on my ageing, having a lower libido, or worse he believes that I'm not really into him anymore, don't fancy him or might want to have an affair.
A slightly separate issue is that if I ever show him affection, a kiss, a hug, or a snuggle on the couch, he takes it as a green light for sex. Even if I say that I'm not really in the mood and just want to hug he sees this as a challenge to "try to get me to change my mind". It literally happens every time I get close and we either end up arguing when I reject his advances, or I give in and feel resentful about having sex I wasn't in the mood for. It's reached such a stage now that we barely touch in the days except if we are going to have sex. And i have to mentally schedule it in as I never really feel keen.
The irony is that once I get going and we get past that awkward "on display" part, I usually enjoy it and always climax with him. But i sometimes have a feeling of dread when I think about it and have to really ramp myself up to the occasion.
So AIBU for blaming porn for his attitude and approach?
And if so, do I just continue to get on with things or risk making it worse by trying to address it as he tends to get rather defensive?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

77 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
17%
You are NOT being unreasonable
83%
Andypandy799 · 13/10/2022 21:38

@Disillusionedthesedays YANBU it’s your body your choice. As we all age our preferences change and more so I suppose for women who have more hormonal changes.

I am like your DH and am very visual and like to keep the lights on but every now and then if it was my partners preference I would do it in The dark

Cw112 · 13/10/2022 21:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you do need to sit down with your dh and have a chat about intimacy, your expectations and what you both need from each other. For example you maybe need more romance and non sexual intimacy to feel loved and valued and he needs to feel like you are still willing and interested. I'm thinking could you try things like blindfolds etc so if you're feeling self conscious you could tie him up and cover his eyes or play up the sensory aspect of having sex in the dark. Sell it to him as exploring other ways of being intimate together rather than basing it around how you feel about yourself because he obviously loves and fancies you exactly as you are. Can you agree that if he initiates less, that you will initiate more? And in an aside I'd say its maybe time to invest a little more love in yourself to make yourself feel good whether that's buying lovely new lingere, getting your hair or nails done, being more active or just whatever pampering makes you feel great in yourself. Regardless of age most women in porn aren't really a realistic body type etc so don't let that get in your head.

Discovereads · 13/10/2022 21:52

YANBU to put the breaks on having full glare of lights during sex.
But I don’t think you can blame this on porn. I also think his preference has nothing to do with porn.

Its your body and if you are not comfortable having sex like that, then don’t do it.
He should respect you in this. I’m sure if you can overcome the lights on to climax, then he can overcome the lights off to climax too.

At the very least he should be willing to experiment with just having a candle lit or a string of fairy lights.

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 00:42

YABU to be blaming this on porn.

this is 100% down to your insecurities and you’re looking for something to blame

Delilahonabike · 14/10/2022 00:56

Doesn't sound like there's much compromise on his part OP and that's what would be bothering me the most in your shoes. He should want you to be fulfilled and happy too and he doesn't seem to does he, so long as he's getting what he wants? I would find that very upsetting and a complete turn off because it would feel like sex was something he did to me, rather than with me. If he can't see that it's completely unfair and unbalanced that sex is always on his terms I'm not sure where you go from there but it must chip away at your love for him and what happens when there's no more left to chip?

Sundaya · 14/10/2022 04:42

He definitely seems porn sick. The “on display” part you’re enduring sounds horrible! And why is every hug or cuddle about sex for him? Does he not care about intimacy apart from sex?? He needs to stop watching porn, listen to your needs, and reconnect to his humanity.

anotheronettc · 14/10/2022 04:56

@PoundOfNesh be kind.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 14/10/2022 05:07

Yanbu overall, but although porn is obviously an issue the actual blame is on the misogynistic attitude in your DH's mind (and in the mind of most porn users)

A quote that always sticks in my head is "I'm not interested in a word where the men wish they could see porn but don't because they have been shamed. I'm interested in a world in which men have such a deep understanding of women as real human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by images of their exploitation."

Porn is inherently exploitative in nature and fundamentally destructive of good sexual relationships because when real people have real sex where the participants are both focused on each other's arousal and satisfaction, it's not actually that interesting to watch. The most mindblowing sensations come not from some kind of visual performance but from the right level of pressure and movement in the right place at the right time and a film of that happening would be boring to someone not part of the action. So porn creates artificial scenarios and actions that are exploitative, degrading and often violent because their visual depiction doesn't require any of the participants to actually be enjoying what is happening- and all this leads to people thinking that they are "supposed" to be aroused by being choked into near unconsciousness.

It's really unhealthy. I would have no interest in a relationship with a porn user. As far as I know, the decent and non-sexist men I know are not interested in porn, and the men I know who do use it betray their nasty sexist attitudes in a myriad of other ways too.

Oceans12 · 14/10/2022 05:17

Sorry OP but this is on you.

all his past lovers have fuked this way (he never calls it making love or sex, always do i want to fuk)

Why on earth did you ever get involved with someone who has such an base attitude?

I'm not sure what you can do about it now, as he's been conditioned by you, to think it's OK. Maybe tell he what you said here and take it from there?

Watchkeys · 14/10/2022 05:34

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 00:42

YABU to be blaming this on porn.

this is 100% down to your insecurities and you’re looking for something to blame

Such insulting tosh. OP is entitled to like/dislike anything at all, and if it's down to insecurities, it should still be respected.

This stood out to me, @Disillusionedthesedays

He says that we should use all our senses in sex, especially the visual, to get the full experience

Why does he think he knows best about you, your way of experiencing of things, your means to pleasure? Why does he think he knows better than you, about you? Doesn't this make you think 'Who the hell does he think he is, telling me how to get the 'full experience'?!'

Christmaslover2022 · 14/10/2022 05:44

I can't cope with bright lights at any time if the day so this would be awful for me! It's supposed to be about both of you, not just him. Have a serious chat about his behaviour, it doesn't sound very nice at all.

GoldenSpiral · 14/10/2022 07:46

Surely there's a compromise of a softer, dimmer light? Or a coloured light?

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 11:42

anotheronettc · 14/10/2022 04:56

@PoundOfNesh be kind.

’be kind’ ick

bet you have a live, laugh, love poster somewhere at home

anotheronettc · 14/10/2022 13:22

@PoundOfNesh oh my god, how did you know? Literally have it tattooed above my bum as well! Hope you're ok..only very unhappy people post like you do 😥

Topgub · 14/10/2022 13:26

The seeing you not being up for sex and everything having to be his way would be a definite turn off.

Sex should be mutual. Mutually wanted and mutually enjoyed.

FortinaFortephillips · 26/03/2023 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Choconut · 26/03/2023 13:20

PoundOfNesh · 14/10/2022 00:42

YABU to be blaming this on porn.

this is 100% down to your insecurities and you’re looking for something to blame

Your husband found your thread OP.

To me he sounds completely grim but I can absolutely guarantee that he will not change or even admit there's an issue because he's only interested in himself and his wants.

So unfortunately the only choices are, continue to be a sex doll for this sex pest or leave.

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/03/2023 13:39

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 14/10/2022 05:07

Yanbu overall, but although porn is obviously an issue the actual blame is on the misogynistic attitude in your DH's mind (and in the mind of most porn users)

A quote that always sticks in my head is "I'm not interested in a word where the men wish they could see porn but don't because they have been shamed. I'm interested in a world in which men have such a deep understanding of women as real human beings that they are incapable of being aroused by images of their exploitation."

Porn is inherently exploitative in nature and fundamentally destructive of good sexual relationships because when real people have real sex where the participants are both focused on each other's arousal and satisfaction, it's not actually that interesting to watch. The most mindblowing sensations come not from some kind of visual performance but from the right level of pressure and movement in the right place at the right time and a film of that happening would be boring to someone not part of the action. So porn creates artificial scenarios and actions that are exploitative, degrading and often violent because their visual depiction doesn't require any of the participants to actually be enjoying what is happening- and all this leads to people thinking that they are "supposed" to be aroused by being choked into near unconsciousness.

It's really unhealthy. I would have no interest in a relationship with a porn user. As far as I know, the decent and non-sexist men I know are not interested in porn, and the men I know who do use it betray their nasty sexist attitudes in a myriad of other ways too.

I SO agree. Porn users are such a turn-off.

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/03/2023 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Why would you want him back? He left you and your kids. Voodoo schmoodoo.

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