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AIBU?

(TRIGGER WARNING)To still be so angry after all these years.

24 replies

Armychefbethebest · 13/10/2022 13:57

Hi I'm not really looking for any magic solutions I'm just looking for other people's perspective really.
I'm in my early 40s have 4 great kids between 23 and 13 , a little granddaughter. A great supportive partner and enjoy my job we are doing well financially but my past my parents in particular I just feel so angry towards and a little bit cheated if I'm honest .
I'll give a short version as I will be here all day . My father left when I was 5 never saw him again after my 6th birthday. I remember the Christmas after this asking to trade my presents just to spend time with my daddy my mother's answer to this was to give me a huge beating then open each present and throw them at my face. It has taken my probably until 10 years ago to enjoy Christmas without forcing it so the kids had a good time.
My mother well... I remember man after man in our lives I remember spending a week miles away to go and spend it in a complete strangers house sat in the living room bored out of my mind whilst they had sex upstairs for a massive part of that week. She eventually met another bloke he came again from miles away one Saturday night we ended up moving to his house within a few weeks and for a few years his 18 year old saw fit to have sex with me almost daily that often I normalised it. When I got to 10 years old they split up we moved back up north there was a video in school and that was the first time I realised what he had done. I did tell my mother I was wearing a crop top and leggings her answer are you surprised look at how your dressed you look like a little slag !! I was 10. She met another man for a serious relationship when I was 14 in between thère were plenty more one of which was a friend son who had babysat me and tried to kiss me with tongues. My mother's response go on a date with him???? She married the other man and I joined the army at 16 just to get away.
I got pregnant at 17 and remember thinking finally I would have someone to love and be loved unconditionally sad eh . I've always managed to protect my children from her ways and her vicious and evil tongue but when I became a grandma she totally upped her game became jealous of my looking after her. Going out and buying a travel cot to have her great granddaughter despite my daughter saying she just wanted me to have her for the time being. One day she walked past my daughter and had a go at her in the street because my daughter had been to my house for a coffee and not hers this resulted in my mum spitting in her face foaming at the mouth with anger not even exaggerating. I rang her that day and told her enough was enough and she was never to come near me or the kids ever again. Why do I feel angry now I've had no contact for 2 years I tried to Bury all of this and just get on with life.Sorry that did turn out quite long x

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

123 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
2%
You are NOT being unreasonable
98%
MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2022 14:05

Of course YANBU. You’ve been abused and neglected in every possible way by your mother and the dreadful people she brought into your life.

Have you had counselling from an appropriate source? They could also explore the possibility of reporting all of this to the police if you wanted to.

Huge congratulations on leaving her (mostly) behind and creating a happy and safe family. Now take some time to care for yourself.

ihatesteve · 13/10/2022 14:07

You had a traumatic and abusive childhood. Im very sorry that happened to you. Counselling may help you process it all but i don't think you can be expected not to be angry. I would be very angry if a parent had let me down in the way your mother let you down and i think that is a normal emotion.

GertieWooster · 13/10/2022 14:10

This is a heartbreaking read. I'm so sorry you experienced such abuse.

Maybe the anger (which you have every right to feel) is partly because you see how different your life could have been through the life you have created for your own children. Well done for being able to break that cycle to give your own children a much better life than you were given. Have you had counselling?

WhoAre · 13/10/2022 14:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Armychefbethebest · 13/10/2022 14:15

Thank you for your reply. I did report to the police myself aged 21 but because there was not evidence at that point just his word against mine it didn't go any further. I have had some counselling years ago but I was still very much head in the sand. Do you think its worth doing again bow I feel this way ?

OP posts:
44PumpLane · 13/10/2022 14:16

OP this is awful and way more than any person should be expected to deal with.

You need professional help to deal with the abuse you have suffered from such a young age.

I am so sorry, you sound incredibly strong, please seek help so you may begin to heal. You are absolutely doing the right thing being NC with that woman (I can bring myself to call her your mother I'm afraid) xx

Ofcourseshecan · 13/10/2022 14:19

OP, I couldn’t read you whole post as it is so upsetting. But like everyone else here, I’m saying 1000 times over, YANBU. xx

R2G · 13/10/2022 14:23

Go for counselling it will really help and we'll done cutting her out and protecting the kids and yourself x

OoooohMatron · 13/10/2022 14:25

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Your mother, if you can call her that, abused you and allowed others to do the same. Fuck her, despite all that you have a lovely family of your own and have turned out to be a lovely mother and grandmother, even though you had the worst. 💐

JadeSeahorse · 13/10/2022 14:30

@Armychefbethebest. Your post sent shivers down my spine. So much of it I can so relate to.

I admire you so much for allowing this evil woman to still be in your life up to 2 years ago. I cut off all contact with my mother and all her family over 30 years ago.
Definitely the best thing I ever did - nearly everyone concerned in my case are dead now which I discovered from the internet - but you have shown your DC that you gave this woman every chance and more.

Be angry by all means but please don't underestimate how proud you should be of yourself. You have more than proved the cream always comes to the top.

stickygotstuck · 13/10/2022 14:31

OP, so very sorry to hear how you suffered. And bloody well done to you for breaking the cycle! 🌷

And yes, counselling will help hugely. Sounds like you are ready for it now. Stay strong.

Wishing you all the best.

MRSE20 · 13/10/2022 14:35

You have experienced a extremely hard childhood and the people who were meant to love you the most, hurt you the most. You’re not unreasonable for being angry and upset about this, no matter what age you are. You know you lost out on all them happy years you could of had that you’ll never get back. I think you need to accept that you are allowed to be hurt rather than feeling guilty because you’ve done nothing wrong OP.

It sounds like you have completely broken the cycle and have a lovely family of your own and you should be so proud of that ❤️

Calandor · 13/10/2022 14:39

You're angry with good reason tbf OP. She didn't look after you, endangered you, hurt you, didn't believe you... you didn't get the childhood you deserved.

You likely have CPTSD.

GertieWooster · 13/10/2022 14:45

Definitely give more counselling a try. Maybe the initial counselling kept you afloat - your head above the water - and now there's more for you to work forwards for (not sure if what I wrote makes sense). Flowers

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 13/10/2022 14:48

"Why do I feel angry now I've had no contact for 2 years I tried to Bury all of this and just get on with life."

Your answer is right after your question. If you try to bury things they will creep back up on you and poison you from the inside out. You would really benefit from counselling. You need to let it all out with support from a professional.
Your childhood is absolutely horrific, it's no wonder you are struggling to cope with it. Im sorry you had that experience. Look for a counsellor, get the support you deserve, and enjoy being with your children and grandchildren who I hope adore you.

Poochnewbie1 · 13/10/2022 14:54

Absolutely go for the counselling. It won’t be easy and there will be times you’ll wonder what the hell you started doing it for but until you deal with this and process it, it will impact on your life. There are some wonderful counsellors if you take the time to look for the right one for you. I would suggest you pick someone who really understands attachment and trauma. You have been through so much and I wish you the very best in however you go forward. I hope you find the peace that you deserve.

IsThePopeCatholic · 13/10/2022 14:57

Firstly, congratulations on having done so well in your life in spite of such an abusive and deprived childhood. Unsurprisingly, you have been traumatised by many adults in your life and you definitely need to restart therapy. Wishing you all the best.

Eyesofdisarray · 13/10/2022 15:16

You've done amazingly well OP, all credit to you.
I hope you will find a good trauma-based counsellor, I'm sure it will help.
It doesn't sound like your mother is safe around children; I'd be concerned about her with your granddaughter. Unless she's massively changed.
Best wishes

Armychefbethebest · 13/10/2022 16:46

Thank you all for your kind words. I think yes now is the time to restart some counselling I really do not want my past to take up any more of my future. I don't miss her and honestly feel relieved she is not in our ĺives anymore she was always different with my kids until they reached a certain age and then lost interest and invested in the next one little more .older children see things for what they are though I guess. My younger 2 when she was at a nice stage went for a sleepover and when they came home it turned out she had had a man whom she had met that week staying over with my kids there. Leopards don't change their spots and it was the first and last time any of the kids went to nanas for a sleepover they were 2 and 4 at the time.

OP posts:
JulieMarooley · 13/10/2022 19:35

This was chilling to read. I’m so sorry you went through all that. She’s an evil monster. I don’t know what to advise, but best of luck with the rest of your life.

momtoboys · 13/10/2022 19:43

Your post made my stomach hurt. I'm so sorry you went through all of that. You are very strong to have reported your SA to the police. Nothing was done but you did it. Be proud. Someone knows.

Royalbloo · 13/10/2022 19:48

I'd recommend some therapy, or counselling. What you have been through is horrendous.

Mellowday · 13/10/2022 20:05

Op, you asked would it be worth having further councelling as you have already had some..
I think that you can have different stages in life.. and the councelling you had then does not mean you sdnt have sessions now.
Having had expereince of trauma myself i had several groups of councelling. Initially i wasnt ready to do the work i needed to do , but found it helpful to be supported , wereas further sessions, when i was older added to.the benefit of the initail councelling amd really helped.
I so hope you get the support you need.
It is a strenght to recognise the need for support. It can liberate you from the past.

HikingforScenery · 13/10/2022 20:10

I’m so sorry, OP. I hope counselling helps you. Yanbu to be angry

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